"I've shaved my pubes if you fancy a bit?" My wife asked seductively.
"Alright, give us a bag full", I replied, I'll insulate the loft".

Someone stole all my neighbour's grass last night.

I saw him out there this morning looking forlorn.

I've decided to release a Christmas record called "Duvet know it's Christmas"
It's a cover version.

 

 

I went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating . She said : How does the male know when the female is ready for sex ?
I replied : He can smell she is ready . That is how nature works .

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe . Again my girlfriend asked : How the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex ?
 I replied : It’s nature . He can smell she is ready.

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating the cow .
My girlfriend said : This is odd . They are all at it . Surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready .
I said : Look , it’s nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex .

Anyway and after the walk , I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye . She said : Take care and get yourself checked for Covid-19 .
Surprised , I asked her : Why do you feel that way ?
She said : I think you seem to have lost your sense of smell ...

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

"I've shaved my pubes if you fancy a bit?" My wife asked seductively.
"Alright, give us a bag full", I replied, I'll insulate the loft".

 

Or "I've shaved my pubes , and you know what that means?"

"The drain in the bathroom is plugged again?"

My wife decided she wanted me to cut her pubes.

It knackered the strimmer! 

Really getting excited now, only one more lockdown to Christmas, here is a party game to get us through those cold winter nights.

3 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Uranus is no doubt littered  with will nots 

( will nots = tiny bits of???? that will not wash off )

you know how hungry you get sitting all the way thru a Cooking Programme on the telly... well you need a distraction or two ????   

 

Bang for your Buck ,Risotto

 

 

It's my wife's birthday next week and I've got her a matching bag and belt.

Not cheap stuff either, genuine Hoover parts.

A truck driver is on the motorway doing 60 when there's a tap against his window.

He looks over and, along side him is a biker who's standing barefoot on the bars of his bike, working the throttle with his toes, with his helmet off and stuck on the pillion seat, and this biker's motioning for the truck driver to wind his window down.

He does so, and in the face of the 60mph headwind, shouts, "What do you want?".

The biker raises a cigarette and yells, "have you got a light mate?"

"You bloody idiot!" yells the trucker, "you're going to kill yourself!"

"Nah", comes the biker's reply, "I only smoke 10 a day".

An old fella from the country took his family on the first trip to the big city. Never seen any building taller than 2 stories before. The old man and his son were standing in front of two big shiny metal doors that slid sideways open and closed, and exposed a little room right behind them. Above the doors were numbers that lit up 1-2-3-4-5 etc, then counted back down 5-4-3-2-1. The doors reopened and some people came out of the little room. This fascinated the man and his son. After a while an elderly unattractive woman stood in front of the doors and pushed a button. The doors slid opened and she entered the little room, and the doors closed behind her. The numbers light up 1-2-3-4-5, paused a few minutes, and then numbers went 5-4-3-2-1. The doors reopened and an attractive young woman walked out.
Then the man turned to his son and said "Boy, go get your mother."

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
#9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 - Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

21 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

Or "I've shaved my pubes , and you know what that means?"

Another variation!

How do you know she has shaved her pubes?

Your razor smells funny and is blunt as .......!

On 11/23/2020 at 11:00 AM, Grumpy one said:

Uranus is no doubt littered  with will nots 

( will nots = tiny bits of???? that will not wash off )

Also known as Klingons.

Two scousers are in a posh restaurant and one says, "I'm gonna order the venison".
His mate says, "Don't order dat, it's dead deer!  You should have mutton like me, dat's dead sheep!"

A couple was in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.
The wife said… "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm drinking a beer in the Hooters next to that."

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?'