Bloke sets the alarm clock for 7.
Wife said, "Why have you done that, there's only the 2 of us ?"

Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?

It doesn’t work, but it stops the squeaking.

Because one liners are so short, accurate spelling is vital.

There's very little margarine for error.

Phoned Smyths Toys and asked if they had the game "Operation.”

They said they did, but there's a 3-year waiting list.

Trainer: What is your fitness goal?

Me: Clipping my toenails and breathing at the same time.

Any computer buffs out there?

 

I changed my Windows password to 'Alcatraz'. Now my Esc button won't work.

1 minute ago, Crossy said:

Any computer buffs out there?

 

I changed my Windows password to 'Alcatraz'. Now my Esc button won't work.

Try S.W.I.M. keys

Just now, Crossy said:

Any computer buffs out there?

 

I changed my Windows password to 'Alcatraz'. Now my Esc button won't work.

Try try resetting to "digdeeper" or "swim"!

2 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Please phone in your response as the Royal Mail computer system is down!

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?

It doesn’t work, but it stops the squeaking.

Wouldn't the use of WD40 on mice increase the population as it would tend to loosen their nuts and also let them slip into their partner more easily?

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Because one liners are so short, accurate spelling is vital.

There's very little margarine for error.

I was going to butter you up with a response but I do not want to spread my one liners too much as they will get sandwiched together and turn it into a real dog's dinner!

 

PS;  Being the pedant I am I should point out that your one liner was actually a two liner!  Full steam ahead and anchors away while I find a new port of call!

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

I was going to butter you up with a response but I do not want to spread my one liners too much as they will get sandwiched together and turn it into a real dog's dinner!

 

PS;  Being the pedant I am I should point out that your one liner was actually a two liner!  Full steam ahead and anchors away while I find a new port of call!

That was stomach churning. I can't believe it's not better.

(Only joking. Don't stop, you're on a roll).

40 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Don't stop, you're on a roll

What uphill or rolling down to a bottomless pit ot similar?

PS; I do hope you really meant "on" a roll and not "in" one to be consumed by someone like you!  If so that really would be an uphill struggle for you!

58 minutes ago, ravip said:

vorsprung durch technik.

1 hour ago, ravip said:

Do I buy this from my local branch of "Herbie's Greens" ?

7 hours ago, dcsw53 said:

I don't wish to be critical, but your first picture is incorrect.

 

Here's the correct version....you're welcome 🤣

 

44 minutes ago, Crossy said:

The response could either be p!ss off or Oh Sh!t!