My wife loves more her relatives than me

[Mavrix]

Go awol for a couple of nights....give her time to reflect on her actions.

[bkkgriz]

Ok farang, sit down, school is in session. This is where you are in importance. Pay attention now. You are behind her:

Family

Kids

Her "brother"

Friends

All other Thai people

Buddha

Food

Money

Her smartphone

The dog

Any other assorted farm animals

You

 

You are last. Always will be. Class is over. Hope you took notes.

 

[Emdog]

In cultural lens of the west, you were taken advantage. But you aren't in the west. Things and obligations are different here. I'd hope after 12 years you might know that, but better late than never.

Skip sitting down and explaining it to her in hopes things will change. They won't.

Take charge of main account, put her on some sort of allowance. It's not being mean. You would be doing her a favor. In future if some relative asks for money, she can turn them down with clear conscience.

[gargamon]

17 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

We met in Europe and she is an educated person and works as a government employee here in Thailand.

Well then have her pay you back at 10k per month until it's paid off...

[Tuvoc]

I wouldn't judge your wife too harshly. In Thai culture family are incredibly important, and it seems that she came under incredible pressure to help out. Nothing to do with loving them more than you.

 

My wife had a similar request many years ago - a relative who was unhappy in his job and wanted money to start a new business. My wife said no we weren't able to do it. If the relatives know you have money they will always try it on I guess, but you just have to try and be polite and diplomatic, and not give the impression you are loaded. Of course they think all farang are. We "loaned" 10,000 baht a couple of times over the years, and yes that has never been returned, and that was expected.

[BEVUP]

25 minutes ago, Emdog said:

In cultural lens of the west, you were taken advantage. But you aren't in the west. Things and obligations are different here. I'd hope after 12 years you might know that, but better late than never.

Skip sitting down and explaining it to her in hopes things will change. They won't.

Take charge of main account, put her on some sort of allowance. It's not being mean. You would be doing her a favor. In future if some relative asks for money, she can turn them down with clear conscience.

until they hock everything

[Saltire]

I agree with those who say your wife was under severe family pressure to honour her 'duty', not to you, but the family. You need to accept your wife, in her entire family's eyes, is a lottery winner. (By the way if she ever does win the lottery tell no one!).

 

I'd forget about the 100k and use that debt to remind her what happened if anyone asks her again for a 'loan'. If it gets repaid even in installments you could 'consider' it.

 

It is also not unreasonable to secure your savings. Sort your bank accounts so that this can not happen again. But make sure she has enough money (not too much) so that she is not reliant on handouts. My wife has about 80k in the bank and won't touch it as it's for 'an emergency'. She asks me for nothing as I cover everything anyway.

 

In short i'd move the money around and bury the hatchet. There are many marriage failures between expats and Thai ladies but in your case i'd learn from this one and let it go. She wont or cant repeat it. Not worth the heartache for 100k.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

[Tony125]

17 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

Thank you guys, you gave me very wise advice. She is a good person and we love each other. I think she was taken advantage of but I'll make sure this won't happen again in the future by keeping all the money on a bank account in my name only. 

IMO that is not fair, you say she works at a Government Office so I would presume that some of that money in the joint account is hers (money she earned and deposited). You have no right to that.  Same as title to cars ,if they are not registered in your name they are hers. True in a diviorce  a court can declare a split of assets but do you want to do that? Open a single account in your name and deposit your money into it so she doesn't have axcess to funds of yours to give to others. 

My wife works part time for her sister's company and I give her about 1/3 my pension. What she does with that money is her businees but we will talk about it. My money is mine to do with what I want, if she needs some to loan we would have to talk about it. Gave her sis a loan twice but she has always paid me back in time and originally helped me out when I had a heart attack.

[AgMech Cowboy]

19 hours ago, bwpage3 said:

Any one that comes on here complaining about 100K when they claim to have millions is not telling the truth.

 

Sorry, this is just not a believable story.

 

 

 

 

I believe him 100%.  We had millions of Baht and let me tell you, you can't believe how fast it was gone.  Work dries up, someone gets sick, etc.  I thought we had plenty and then we didn't.

 

You just need to take complete control of the purse and say no for any unnecessary expenses.  My wife has had only one relative ever pay her back.  He's a nephew who went to Israel to work and she loan him the employment fee.  He paid it back, but those are the rarities.  Good luck with your situation.

[Kurtf]

19 hours ago, brokenbone said:

no, why in gods name should i give away anything at all to insignificant others ?

That's what you seem to not understand. This person she loaned money to is NOT insignificant to her. 

[CM Dad]

I have loaned money to Thais on several occasions - not very large amounts, but from 10,000 to 50,000.  I have always been repaid.  Maybe I have been lucky, but I don't think so.  I am comfortable, but not rich and all of my Thai family and friends know this.  They also know that I am willing to help them whenever they have problems just as they would, and have, helped me.  The problem here is the reason for the loan.  The money was not needed, it was wanted.

[wwest5829]

I think too late to help you but for any others out there before founding a potential relationship with a Thai female, allow me to recommend the book, “Thailand Fever”. It goes through many cross cultural differences so it is useful for both a western foreigner and a Thai female thinking about a relationship. There are differences. One page of the book will be in English, the facing page in the equivalent Thai. Even after reading several books about Thai history and culture before retiring here, this book proven very useful, especially trying to explain the difference in cultural outlook. If you find the right traditionally raised Thai girl who wants to understand her partner for a long term relationship, this book is very helpful. 

[maprao]

2 hours ago, HarrySeaman said:

I have been living here for 18 years.  I learned long ago that the hierarchy is parents, children, relatives, friends, temple, dog, husband.

 

I also learned that the term loan has exactly the same meaning as give in Thailand.

 

If you don't want your wife to spend it or give it away don't give it to her.  Money, clothing, jewelry, etc., it is all the same.  If anyone they know says then like it and wish they had one like it or if they say they need it, its gone.  By giving it away they gain face, and face is everything here. 

 

Spot on Harryseaman

+1

Came to that conclusion at the beginning of my 20 year marriage. 

I have lent money as a gift and it came back bonus.

[wwest5829]

19 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

3.000 dollars is not that little in my mind. considering I could have used it to live here for a few months.

My retirement income is $2400.00mper month, transferred in every month so I would agree with it being a significant amount. Bottom line I advise any farang here (actually applicable globally) is that you keep control of the money. No, not to be cheap, but to maintain living within your set idea of living comfortably financially without distress. Ha! But I am retired and have an aversion to stress ...

[4MyEgo]

18 hours ago, timendres said:

Try not to think of it in terms of who your wife "loves more". I am sure she loves you very much. Thais think very differently about love, family and money, and it is not always easy to understand. But there is no question that you must maintain absolute control of your finances, and establish the rules regarding such.

I agree with what you are saying 100%, and the reason that she loaned this money could be that she wanted to save face. 

 

It's obvious that she works and earns money, she had spoken to the husband about wanting to lend money to her relative with him saying NO, and there is nothing wrong with him saying NO, we always say NO, in our household, however my wife has never worked.

 

I think she feels that she has some rights in regard to lending money because she earns money through working, not saying she does or doesn't have any rights, but it all depends on what boundaries you have both set out beforehand, for example, my wife doesn't work, she depends on me, and she knows our family comes first, so anyone looking for a loan, and there have been many, are stopped in their tracks quick smart, i.e. she tells them up front, my husband doesn't lend money, I don't have any, his money is his money, I live off what he gives us.

 

Why just the other day her sister told her that her business is going south because of the Covid-19 and needs to borrow money to pay for the school term that just passed for her young daughter to be able to go back to school (private), my wife told her on the spot, I told you a long time ago, you cannot afford to send your daughter to the same school (face), you have your family and I have mine, my husband supports me, I do not work, maybe you should drink less alcohol and spend less on your daughter everyday at 7/11, slam dunk, the truth can hurt, but it is the truth and my wife won't hold back when it comes to her family, they know it too.

 

I would suggest he sit down with his wife, and tell her how very disappointed he is and that he feels that the trust that he had in her has slightly diminished and suggest that they both have separate bank accounts from now on and see what happens from there, trust is the foundation of any relationship, and that his family should come first, regardless of bank balance, and push harder, e.g. what if the relative doesn't pay back the money, then what ? 

[Burma Bill]

You have my sympathy as I was a "victim" of a similar scam. This was several years ago when the Thai family I was associated with wanted 300,000 baht to buy fertilizer for growing sweet corn. I was told I would get my money back after the harvest and when the corn was sold to a processing plant. Some of this fertilizer was given to other farmers in the village. When I asked for my money back after the crop had been sold, I was told "very sorry, no money as processing plant gave poor money and not enough to pay you"! Not too long afterwards I did "a runner" whilst they were all out shopping for the day leaving them ATM-less!!

[maprao]

2 hours ago, Mavrix said:

Go awol for a couple of nights....give her time to reflect on her actions.

Done that one. Then asked here to come pick me up in Pattaya in the car I bought for her to chauffeur my ass back to Nakhon nowhere. 

 

It works a treat.

* Warning* this approach may be dangerous for some!

[Nanaplaza666]

19 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

Wise words thanks. I didn't really expect this from her to tell you the truth. We met in Europe and she is an educated person and works as a government employee here in Thailand.

Educated person and a government employee so that 100k could as well be her own money that she gave away . She must make enough money then ,so you can tell her it's her own money that she borrowed(gave) them . I don't see the problem . 

[Stevemercer]

19 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

Wise words thanks. I didn't really expect this from her to tell you the truth. We met in Europe and she is an educated person and works as a government employee here in Thailand.

 

It's funny how a Thai lady can seemingly fit in any modern, western country and appear capable and reasonable.

 

However, as soon as she moves back to Thailand, and the influence of her family and friends, she reverts to form within a year or two.

 

I liken 'Thainess' to being a cult. You can leave the country, but the cult will drag them back in once they return to Thailand. And it doesn't matter how long a foreigner lives in Thailand, they can never join the cult.

[TGIR]

18 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

Thank you guys, you gave me very wise advice. She is a good person and we love each other. I think she was taken advantage of but I'll make sure this won't happen again in the future by keeping all the money on a bank account in my name only. 

You said your wife works.  I would think this would at the least give her unfettered access to her own earnings, and I'm not seeing that in your posts.  I don't think she would be very happy to hear you distrust her so much you've "stolen" her money and put it in an account with only your name on it.  If you love her very much and have been together twelve years I would think discussing the issues bothering you to be more productive than your proposed actions.  Money can cause a lot of problems in relationships....don't let it ruin yours.

[WhereIsMyRyeBread]

19 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

I feel she prioritizes her family over me all the time

If you take this social pressure to support family and relatives and conclude your wife doesn't love you as much, you're mistaken. It's also the the Asian group think versus western individualism.

She knew she wouldn't jeopardize the relationship by taking out the 100 k without your consent. So she can have the cake and eat it too.

If you have a couple of mil in one account you could use the excuse that the bank's insurance level per account and bank is actually just 1 million, which happens to be true for most banks.

So it's wise to arrange so each book bank is not more than 1 million anyway. Plus for migration and/or if you ever want to incorporate a company (need around 2 million) its always wise to keep the money in your name for those reasons too.

 

But I feel ya, At one stage I had a bag of 40 or 50 Megadeath and similar t-shirts I kept for some reason sitting in my Mrs and my house.

One day while I was away my wife generously gave the whole bag of t-shirts away to her sister to donate to random peeps or for selling at local markets or anything. She didn't even tell me and I didn't realize until 6 months later.  Trust me, I did not approve of this maneuver!

 

But to avoid her taking the shirt off your back like me, keep your savings separate!

 

 

 

[Liss Camber]

That's quite normal. Thai family is closer to them than a foreigner that doesn't have the same mentality nor does he speak her language. Relax...that's the way it is, always was and will be.

[Skeptic7]

Not only her family...but her friends and all Thais. She even loves the dog, cat and buffalo more. Welcome to Lie-Land! 

[KhaoYai]

20 hours ago, jastheace said:

hide any vehicle green books, and house /land papers.

Absolutely, I wonder how many guys on here don't know their Mrs has 'put the car in the bank' as they say. If she 'can't find' the registration, its 'in the bank'.

[PatOngo]

20 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

Wise words thanks. I didn't really expect this from her to tell you the truth. We met in Europe and she is an educated person and works as a government employee here in Thailand.

This is the LAST TIME, OK!

 

 

 

[xtrnuno41]

When i was young, you think you are married and therefor have all together.

You are in trust with each other as it should be.

However in time you learn it is not always like that. Specially with money.

In all those years after being young and having the struggles in life, you know you have to separate money from any relation. THey dont work together in a relation, its evil.

Not only experienced myself, sadly i have quit some of that experience, but heard and seen it as well with others. After my second relation, i was always in control of my own money, separation !  

And it doenst matter if she is Thai, it is everywhere.   

Marriage or having relation in fact doesnt say all, it can easily change in time and you have to be aware of that. In my first relation, marriage, i didnt see it coming. I thought i was doing ok with wife and kids, however it turned out totally different, just like that.

 

[Isaanbiker]

OP, sorry for your misfortune, but please see it as a lesson learned.

 

 My wife and I have been together for 18 years, but I still have my bank account in my own hands.

 

  It turned out to be the best decision ever. Not that I cannot trust her, but too many relatives have nothing or little.

 

  It's time for you to make her understand that she's hurting you a lot by giving away your money without your agreement. 

 

Your wife is a civil servant, and she could quickly get a cheap credit and pay the money back. Or the relative could pay it back. 

 

  Please ask yourself and perhaps her why she didn't go that way?

 

Maybe she already took credit for this person without telling you?

 

  Now is the time for the truth. I understand your point, and if you can't trust your wife, then you've somehow lost the game. 

 

  But I also understand the "privilege" when a Thai woman is married to a relatively "rich" foreigner.

 

  This relative wasn't the first person, and it won't be the last one asking your wife when times are hard.

 

   If she's as educated as you said, there's no way that she doesn't understand it.

 

 Perhaps you will get the money back, but it takes some more time?

 

  If you find out that it's only the money why she's staying with you, it's time to end the relationship.
  
  But lending a relative this amount of money is not the worst a woman can do to you.

 

  I've seen wives of foreigners who were gambling his money away, and I finally stopped telling them the truth about their wives. 

 

In the end, I'd be the bad guy once they're back together.

Not even mentioning the ones who had one or more boyfriends or Gigs. 

 

Considering that you're the one who lives with your wife, use your common sense, and see if your relationship is worth fighting.

 

 

 

 Maybe you do get the money back, and the relative only needs some more time?

Best of luck! 

 

   

  

 

 

 

   

 

 

  

 

  

[Isaanbiker]

22 minutes ago, Skeptic7 said:

Not only her family...but her friends and all Thais. She even loves the dog, cat and buffalo more. Welcome to Lie-Land! 

Not all women are like that. You are bashing Thais now, the finest art.

 

BTW, why are so many people ALL around the world divorced?

 

Love is a terrible thing. It comes and goes. 

[marquis22]

You have joined the foreign husband brigade, enjoy the ride!

[natway09]

Her money, your money ?

My Darl has her own money & can spend it how she likes.

My money to spend on something becomes a discussion