What would you do in this situation - gambling addicted minor son

[PhuketAmerican]

What would you do in this situation

Wife and I live in USA,  I lived in Phuket 2011-2020.  Stepson is 17, almost 18, in a fairly expensive yacht mechanic training program finished in April.

He and his gf live in my 3bdrm townhouse in a modest gated community in Phuket while we both work in the USA since 2021 after I lost my job in Phuket.

I recently learned that he stole and sold 10 baht weight ~5oz basically all his mothers gold jewelry we saved over years and gambled it away on online Baccarat.  He also drained my father in laws savings of 26000 baht.

All internet capable devices have been secured, car titles and keys secured, and he is not allowed to go anywhere but school and home while I make my next step.

I don't want to pull him from the school term where he was doing well, and started making a tourist visa application today because his mother wants him in the USA under her eye and then apply for Green Card here.  It took me 3 years to get GC so I'm scared to apply that first, and will go for the visa.

Anyone else dealt with anything like this?  His late 50s grandparents, my inlaws are coming to stay at the house 5 nights/week now.  They are peasants though and scared of "ghosts" in my big home and also don't know how to take care of it.

Really upset and my wife is distraught, he is an only child and never acted out, did drugs, or drank before.  But apparently is a compulsive gambler now at age 17.

 

Is there anything like gamblers anonymous for Thais or counseling available? He has decent insurance we pay for. 

 

We cannot go to Thailand until mid April due to work constraints.

[retarius]

Teenagers are weird. My two sons are in their 40s and outstandingly successful. Neither did well at school and wasted their teens and 20s on booze and drugs. Both went through addiction therapy, one for heroin and one for alcohol. Sadly it took for them both to hit rock bottom before they realised that they had a problem....my younger son's g/f died off a heroin overdose and my older son's career as a chef crashed and he went to AA. Both got off their habits so it can be done....alcohol is probably more difficult because it is advertised everywhere and very accessible, whereas heroin you have to seek out. Essentially both programs require you to reconstruct your life, getting a regular job, getting into a strong relationship, and saying sorry to all the people you have hurt during your life. They have both been clean for more than 15 years.

A likely problem you will encounter is that your son will not listen to you until he, himself, comes to the realisation that he has a huge problem. Talk to him about even even though he won't listen....eventually the message will get through and he'll have a shot at a decent life. There is zero help being a gambler.  

[itsari]

Stealing is just enough to say I would tell him to remove him self from the house and find your own way in life.

Moving to USA is not going to change him.

[daveAustin]

A shame cannot go in the army here till 20, a two year stint would sort him out. Only child and boy, likely spoiled? Easy done. Dunno if in-laws could help… send the monks around to rid of potential ghosts. Probably better off with you out there. Sort citizenship, then the army. 

[sqwakvfr]

The US has other ways for gambling addicts to get even worse.  1) Sports betting is getting almost out of control 2) Lottery tickets can be bought in most states 3) Once your son turns 18 he can legally  go into any casino. The US has more casinos in more states than most countries. Many of the Casinos not in Vegas or Atlantic City are technically on Indian Reservations.  Once he gets to the US maybe a call to Gamblers Anonymous might be worth it.  Good luck because an addict will always be an addict. 

[OneMoreFarang]

2 hours ago, PhuketAmerican said:

Wife and I live in USA,  I lived in Phuket 2011-2020.  Stepson is 17, almost 18, in a fairly expensive yacht mechanic training program finished in April.

He and his gf live in my 3bdrm townhouse in a modest gated community in Phuket while we both work in the USA since 2021 after I lost my job in Phuket.

Who took care of him in the last couple of years? It seems his parents were in America.

Maybe he behaves the way he does because he thinks his parents don't care. So now it seems he has the attention of his parents.

I suggest first thing contact a psychologist and find out what went wrong. And then it seems your son needs his parents... 

[NoDisplayName]

Secured the car titles and keys?  What's that going to do for you?

 

Wife's sister has a similar problem.  Her mama's boy took his brother's car and delivered it to the local loan mafia until brother paid the ransom.  Mother gave him a stern talking to, so he proceeded to steal his mother's car and do the same.  Man, did that boy get another stern talking to!

 

It won't end.  That would require a little something called taking responsibility.

 

In the meantime, you can expect your townhome to be rented out to Chinese tour groups on AirBnB, or used to house an illegal Taiwanese online casino.

 

I would consider the consequences of taking naughty boy to the states where cops don't take <deleted> from entitled brats.  What will you do when he learns about the easy money to be made moving fentanyl, and doesn't take your advice when you try to explain the cops won't give up when you run from them at 3am with a half pound of meth and a glock in his glovebox?

 

 

Edited February 16 by NoDisplayName

[mikebike]

Support him emotionally, and get him help. Otherwise, cut him out of ANY funds until he has completed a program. It may not be the end of it, even at that. Addiction sucks.

[Etaoin Shrdlu]

Chances of getting a tourist visa may not be so great for your stepson.

 

With a parent in the US and no strong ties to Thailand (no job, assets, etc.) he may be turned down. Consular officials deny tourist visas to people whom they suspect will seek to convert a tourist visa to a green card once they arrive in the US.

[FritsSikkink]

Why on earth do you did you leave your 15 years old alone in another country?

Now you are paying the price of emotional neglecting him. Can't go till April because of work? One of you should go anyhow and sort this out personally.

[Scouse123]

17 hours ago, FritsSikkink said:

Why on earth do you did you leave your 15 years old alone in another country?

Now you are paying the price of emotional neglecting him. Can't go till April because of work? One of you should go anyhow and sort this out personally.

 

 

He's 17 for god’s sake, he can grow up. He has a house, he has an apprenticeship and food on the bloody table and no worries with gas and electric. Obviously, has a smartphone and transportation as well, which puts him a long way in front of many Thais his age.

 

Emotional neglect. I suppose you are one of these that believes in sitting them on naughty steps, and taking their Xbox away for an hour instead of proper punishment. I'd be throwing the Xbox away, and grounding the <deleted>e for two months.

 

This is the pathetic world we live in of molly coddling and not letting them find their way in life, nor allowing them to grow up and face the realities of the world and tough choices in life.

 

The little basket case, is thieving, stealing and lying.

 

He KNOWS what he is doing is wrong.

 

A natural progression down the slippery slope, because he's getting away with it.

 

Thai mothers don't help, so why take a delinquent to the USA to make problems there? What's she going to do? " Give him another stern talking to " 

 

Thai mothers are known for being less than useless with sons.

[JBChiangRai]

I can only say as a single parent of 2 adopted Thai daughters.

 

Nothing could ever be more important to me than my daughters.  I would never leave them at 15 to go to another country, if I couldn't take them with me then I wouldn't have gone.  I would beg on the streets before I would leave them at that age.

 

A 15 year old is a child, more so if it's a boy.  You leave them at your peril.

[Thingamabob]

21 hours ago, FritsSikkink said:

Why on earth do you did you leave your 15 years old alone in another country?

Now you are paying the price of emotional neglecting him. Can't go till April because of work? One of you should go anyhow and sort this out personally.

I entirely agree. Far too young to be without parents around. Now you have some work to do to get him off his addiction. It appears your only option is to try to have him come to the USA, but obtaining a visa will not be easy. Failing that one of you, at least, should join him jn Thailand. I have to say I feel very sorry for him.

[CanadaSam]

I agree with most of the posters, you need to be there, to firmly steer him away from this nonsense.  Nobody else will do it, and I doubt any type of commercial addiction therapy can do it.  Sorry, but it's the reality of the situ, IMO.

[steven100]

On 2/16/2024 at 9:27 AM, daveAustin said:

A shame cannot go in the army here till 20, a two year stint would sort him out. Only child and boy, likely spoiled? Easy done. Dunno if in-laws could help… send the monks around to rid of potential ghosts. Probably better off with you out there. Sort citizenship, then the army. 

 

I totally agree with this ......  OP .. the sooner you can get him into the Thai army the better.

I couple of years in the army will sort him out ......   

 

this plus make him admit his stealing and gambling addiction ...  have him realize the shame he has brought on the family.   Maybe have the head monk / chief  come go around and have a talk with him .....

 

I believe the above suggestions are what's needed ....    not gamblers Anonymous. 

[uttradit]

Stepson - do nothing. Not your business. His life.

[Celsius]

Farang comes to Thailand and works for his loser adopted "family"

[retarius]

22 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Who took care of him in the last couple of years? It seems his parents were in America.

Maybe he behaves the way he does because he thinks his parents don't care. So now it seems he has the attention of his parents.

I suggest first thing contact a psychologist and find out what went wrong. And then it seems your son needs his parents... 

I was involved in addiction medicine 25 or so years ago. My company had a treatment for hereon addiction. The prevailing view of international experts is that addictions are a disease of the brain in which the 'reward' signalling in the brain is screwed up. I believed these experts, because of the experience with my own sons, who were certainly not neglected, and who, if anything, were over-indulged. 

[Andre0720]

While some sources refer to chronic gambling as an addiction, but people gamble because they LIKE IT.

 

So at that age, perhaps giving him in return something that he really does not like. And give him the choice of one or the other...

 

More difficult once he reaches age 18. But cutting access to a family house is always a possibility. And then when he has enough resources, it will all be his own decisions, regarding how he will choose to gratify himself with what he likes.

 

Good luck

 

 

[ChaiyaTH]

Let me get this straight, you left your stepson, who is underage, and was like what, 14 years old when you left in 2021, alone in Phuket to live in your house with his girlfriend? And you are surprised that that ended in stealing some gold, and gambling a bit online? Lol.

 

Even a Thai at 30 years old, can still not be assumed to be a full adult, let alone if you'd leave an actual minor behind in Thailand. Neglecting a child usually ends up in addiction and depression on the kids side.

 

Would not even call it a 'gambling addiction'. All he did is steal some money and play, that is what almost 8/10 Thai guy here does once in their life. By the way, to then now still get him to USA and get him a green card, sounds even more naive. He likely ends up in a usa jail or messes up your wife status.

 

You should have brought him when he was 14, or never left him behind in the first place. Sounds like it is too late now to do that but I am sure your wife will keep nagging you until you do it, and it is gonna cost you more and more money over time, aside from energy.

 

My brother in law prefers stealing somehow too, even a 1 year suspended jail sentence, 2 years in the army and being a monk for 6 months, did not help.

Edited February 17 by ChaiyaTH

[Lacessit]

Cut him loose. Addicts of any description must find it within themselves to beat their addiction, no-one else can do it for them.

 

Anyone who steals should not get a second chance to do so. Sometimes tough love is the only way.

[john donson]

you need a house sitter ? how much you pay?

[brianthainess]

Ground him, with no access to online gambling. 

[OneMoreFarang]

1 hour ago, retarius said:

I was involved in addiction medicine 25 or so years ago. My company had a treatment for hereon addiction. The prevailing view of international experts is that addictions are a disease of the brain in which the 'reward' signalling in the brain is screwed up. I believed these experts, because of the experience with my own sons, who were certainly not neglected, and who, if anything, were over-indulged. 

Ok, I am sure you have your experience.

And it is also well known that kids, and not only kids, want attention. If they don't get as much as they want then they will find ways to get more attention. In this case it seems now he has the attention.

 

Obviously, I don't know any details of this case and it is certainly not always just the usual. But in general, I think we can agree that kids with parents who take care of them are less likely to do attention seeking things. 

[retarius]

57 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Ok, I am sure you have your experience.

And it is also well known that kids, and not only kids, want attention. If they don't get as much as they want then they will find ways to get more attention. In this case it seems now he has the attention.

 

Obviously, I don't know any details of this case and it is certainly not always just the usual. But in general, I think we can agree that kids with parents who take care of them are less likely to do attention seeking things. 

It's probably a genetic thing and upbringing ie nature and nurture. Addiction runs in my extended (Irish) family, but so does caring forepeople, so perhaps the addictions have not destroyed the sufferers, most have coped with their addictions and managed to live decent lives. 

[NativeBob]

stepson? who cares!

sorry, but seriously...

[JBChiangRai]

9 minutes ago, NativeBob said:

stepson? who cares!

sorry, but seriously...

you’re such a warm, caring person

[FritsSikkink]

6 hours ago, Scouse123 said:

 

 

He's 17 for god’s sake, he can grow up. He has a house, he has an apprenticeship and food on the bloody table and no worries with gas and electric. Obviously, has a smartphone and transportation as well, which puts him a long way in front of many Thais his age.

 

Emotional neglect. I suppose you are one of these that believes in sitting them on naughty steps, and taking their Xbox away for an hour instead of proper punishment. I'd be throwing the Xbox away, and grounding the <deleted>e for two months.

 

This is the pathetic world we live in of molly coddling and not letting them find their way in life, nor allowing them to grow up and face the realities of the world and tough choices in life.

 

The little basket case, is thieving, stealing and lying.

 

He KNOWS what he is doing is wrong.

 

A natural progression down the slippery slope, because he's getting away with it.

 

Thai mothers don't help, so why take a delinquent to the USA to make problems there? What's she going to do? " Give him another stern talking to " 

 

Thai mothers are known for being less than useless with sons.

He was 15 when they left.

[FritsSikkink]

13 minutes ago, NativeBob said:

stepson? who cares!

sorry, but seriously...

Shame they didn't rob you.

[cdemundo]

Gambling addiction is terrible.

One big problem is that after a loss the gambler thinks "I gotta go win that back!".

 

Not like the drunk who feels sick as hell and briefly says "I'll never do that again".

Maybe gives a window to kick the habit.