GF or Wife

[habuspasha]

46 minutes ago, lopburi3 said:

Likely not to be the case as Thai married to American will be suspect for not returning to Thailand and as you have no tie to Thailand other than her visit will appear to be a shortcut to stay without the normal immigrant visa process..  Non immigrant visa (tourist) likely not to be approved.

I remember one recent OP writing that he asked a visa official (I think at the American embassy in Bangkok) how he could bring his GF to the US for a visit, and the official said "marry her."

[Guest Isaanlife]

2 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

We are happy together, since many years. And I take care of her. I also know her family. But I don't like village life and I spend very little time up country.

 

About us and me. I think too many people pretend there is only an us and if there is an us there can't be a me anymore. Wrong! We don't stop to be individuals when we have a partner. And we as individuals develop over time. We all change. And maybe we change in the same direction or maybe we change in different directions. The idea "till death do us part" was invented when people died early. Now the chance that we will stay together forever is not so high anymore, even if we try.

 

And about "i am sure you could figure out on your own the dangers involved with in such attitude": Sorry, I have no idea what you mean. She and her family don't give me any trouble about not being married. What danger?

The only people that think like you are the ones that don't have any money.

 

You are so afraid to lose money to the lady you have spent many years of your life with. Why? Can you explain that? Hiding something she might find out about and dump you?

 

There are a lot of people that have stayed together their whole lives.

 

They problem didn't value money more than their own wife and probably weren't ever divorced.

 

Pretty sure if you are in Thailand and so worried about money, you are finished developing.

 

Her family doesn't give you any problems because they know you are a skint and not worth it.

 

Some people get divorced in their own country, move to Thailand, want to start over, then treat their better half less than an equal or even worse.

 

If you are so worried about losing your money, you should stay by yourself and not ruin some one else's life.

 

That way you can be 100% sure you don't lose your money.

 

[Guest Isaanlife]

Just now, habuspasha said:

I remember one recent OP writing that he asked a visa official (I think at the American embassy in Bangkok) how he could bring his GF to the US for a visit, and the official said "marry her."

Difficult to get a tourist Visa these days to the US

[Kwasaki]

Threads like this always remind of some guys thoughts I find amusing.

A man can't live with the same woman for more than 20 years it just ain't natural.

The trouble with getting married is like buying a new car you luv your car for a while and then you you see many more newer model's you would like. 

Why wasn't I borned an Arab I just cannot make up my mind. 

 

As for me I have luved all the women I've been in a relationship in my fashion.

[habuspasha]

5 minutes ago, Isaanlife said:

Difficult to get a tourist Visa these days to the US

Does she apply for a tourist visa if we are married?

[Fat is a type of crazy]

3 minutes ago, Isaanlife said:

The only people that think like you are the ones that don't have any money.

 

You are so afraid to lose money to the lady you have spent many years of your life with. Why? Can you explain that? Hiding something she might find out about and dump you?

 

There are a lot of people that have stayed together their whole lives.

 

They problem didn't value money more than their own wife and probably weren't ever divorced.

 

Pretty sure if you are in Thailand and so worried about money, you are finished developing.

 

Her family doesn't give you any problems because they know you are a skint and not worth it.

 

Some people get divorced in their own country, move to Thailand, want to start over, then treat their better half less than an equal or even worse.

 

If you are so worried about losing your money, you should stay by yourself and not ruin some one else's life.

 

That way you can be 100% sure you don't lose your money.

 

It's not like you to be judgemental Issan Life. 

You make lots of assumptions there. Sometimes it can come down to the woman. In my case my current woman  likes to spend a month or two a year alone at a temple. I have always been one to enjoy spending time apart. When we are together for say 5 months a year it's special and good. 

My partner also has a bad temper that flares only time to time.  Otherwise she's lovely. But I just don't want to marry. I made it clear to her. I help her out financially along the way. But I don't want to be committed. I don't want to risk half my stuff which is not insignificant. My point is there are different personalities that make up the world. For some my lifestyle would not be appealing - especially during covid. But I like it and am honest with her about the future. You are correct to say it's not ideal for her. But I like my life. She has a choice. When we are together she loves it.

Something tells me by your nature that you would be a controlling husband. I am not like that. She loves the way I am and she loves her freedom too. 

[Guest Isaanlife]

14 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Thanks for your long answer/comment.

 

I am sure if I would marry my gf that would make her happy - for about a month or maybe a year. But then all would be exactly like before. With one huge difference: If we would separate then I would be the one who has to pay. And "has to pay" means I would be legally required to do that. And that is something I am not willing to do if there is no big upside to that. Too many guys lost lots of money because of their divorce. That is reality. Why take the risk?

 

Coming back to the happiness of being married: It seems when people marry they have a big (expensive) party and all is perfect - or at least they want to look as if it is perfect. And then they go on honeymoon and then they settle down and then? Is there any real difference between married couples and couples who live long time together and are not married? At least in my personal experience I don't think I know any couple (here or back home) who are constantly happier because they married. 

But I know a couple of unhappy guys who discovered and found out how expensive divorce can be.

Marriage is a legal contract, not more and not less. If I sign any legal contract I think if it makes sense or if there is a huge risk/downside compared to a small upside.

 

Of course there is a difference. The wife is happy and feels secure.

 

Divorce is the fault of both people.

 

Many farangs lie their <deleted> off to get a pretty young thing, then are amazed when she finds out it was all a lie and gets a divorce.

 

You predicate your whole life and way of thinking of "What happens if this doesn't work out" 

 

All you are thinking about is "If we separate"

 

What kind of normal thinking is that?

 

You chose to be with her, why is your only thought about "If we separate"

 

Sounds like you are hiding something and live in constant fear that you will separate? That is not normal thinking at all.

 

Gee, if we separate it is going to be very expensive?

 

Well what do you expect if it is your fault?

 

You should walk away scot-free after wasting years of her life?

 

Your just a selfish old man. Period.

 

Sounds like you ended up in Thailand because you got divorced in your own country and lost your <deleted>?

 

And probably your fault. That is why you are in such fear of How expensive it will be to separate.

 

Feel sorry for her.

[lopburi3]

12 minutes ago, habuspasha said:

I remember one recent OP writing that he asked a visa official (I think at the American embassy in Bangkok) how he could bring his GF to the US for a visit, and the official said "marry her."

Marry her opens road to immigrant visa (to move and live in USA) after approval from a process which normally takes many months and is not really what you want.  If you marry and apply for tourist visa much harder.  I did the marriage and few years later tourist visa but key factor was wife had been approved by immigration for immigrant visa but we decided to live in Thailand and fact wife was of same age and I had already lived here several years married were positive factors - but review of that immigration paperwork was what got a positive response 

[sirineou]

6 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Thanks for your long answer/comment.

 

I am sure if I would marry my gf that would make her happy - for about a month or maybe a year. But then all would be exactly like before. With one huge difference: If we would separate then I would be the one who has to pay. And "has to pay" means I would be legally required to do that. And that is something I am not willing to do if there is no big upside to that. Too many guys lost lots of money because of their divorce. That is reality. Why take the risk?

 

Coming back to the happiness of being married: It seems when people marry they have a big (expensive) party and all is perfect - or at least they want to look as if it is perfect. And then they go on honeymoon and then they settle down and then? Is there any real difference between married couples and couples who live long time together and are not married? At least in my personal experience I don't think I know any couple (here or back home) who are constantly happier because they married. 

But I know a couple of unhappy guys who discovered and found out how expensive divorce can be.

Marriage is a legal contract, not more and not less. If I sign any legal contract I think if it makes sense or if there is a huge risk/downside compared to a small upside.

 

I always enjoy talking with you????. It is my pleasure , and pleas know that everything I say is an opinion . of which everyone has one. 

Thailand is a community property jurisdiction.:

"Thailand is what is known in legal terms as a “Community Property” jurisdiction. This means that, in general, all assets acquired by either the man or wife during the marriage are considered to be the property of both partners. "

http://www.thailand-family-law-center.com/thailand-marital-property-law/#:~:text=Thailand is what is known,the property of both partners.

 

so i don't think you have to worry about losing anything you already have. Anything you acquire while you are together is only fair that you split 50/50 in the event the marriage does not work out. 

  Everyone is different, so I can only talk  about how it worked for us, but i think some of the same dynamics work for most people

Women crave security, especially Thai women , once they feel comfortable and secure , you would see a different aspect of them and the relationship. I did in outs. 

Initially, when we first got married, my wife was a bit defensive and reserved, but as we settled into our marriage,, got comfortable with each other, and realized that this was for real.  you should se how my wife blossomed, how her confidence grew , how she started singing, and even dancing (something that she never did before) .

I dont think you can have that without the commitment.  If as you said the attitude is that we live longer, and we change , and in a few years when we change we might go our different ways, . you might understand why a pers0n might be a bit more reserved, and defensive. 

Don't be afraid of loss ."Tennyson, said  "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all " there is safety in a defensive posture, but also compromise. 

Go for it,!! and even if you were to lose a little, so what. it is the price one pays for a better life. IMO. ????

 

[1FinickyOne]

3 hours ago, Fat is a type of crazy said:

I was 40. She was 22. Got married and divorced 6 year later.

And you think fat is a type of crazy?

 

Maybe the world is crazy and there is no sane way to navigate...?? 

[Guest Isaanlife]

1 minute ago, Fat is a type of crazy said:

It's not like you to be judgemental Issan Life. 

You make lots of assumptions there. Sometimes it can come down to the woman. In my case my current woman  likes to spend a month or two a year alone at a temple. I have always been one to enjoy spending time apart. When we are together for say 5 months a year it's special and good. 

My partner also has a bad temper that flares only time to time.  Otherwise she's lovely. But I just don't want to marry. I made it clear to her. I help her out financially along the way. But I don't want to be committed. I don't want to risk half my stuff which is not insignificant. My point is there are different personalities that make up the world. For some my lifestyle would not be appealing - especially during covid. But I like it and am honest with her about the future. You are correct to say it's not ideal for her. But I like my life. She has a choice. When we are together she loves it.

Something tells me by your nature that you would be a controlling husband. I am not like that. She loves the way I am and she loves her freedom too. 

No sorry. She doesn't love it, that is only you telling yourself she does. No Thai woman wants to have no "Face"

 

If she has a bad temper, well you chose her didn't you?

 

Risk half your stuff? If you have anything worth it at all, you wouldn't have ended up in Thailand.

 

You like your life because you get what you want and you are selfish to do that to her.

 

She probably doesn't have much of a choice because if she did, she wouldn't be with you.

 

You are the control freak. My wife has 100 times more than you will ever have all in her name. 

 

And if she left someday? I wouldn't worry about 1 baht. I would be happy knowing she will be financially secure the rest of her life.

 

I am not to stupid that I cannot make a lot of money back at any age in my life.

 

Maybe that is why I don't worry to act like a man and give my wife the life she deserves.

 

[Guest Isaanlife]

5 minutes ago, lopburi3 said:

Marry her opens road to immigrant visa (to move and live in USA) after approval from a process which normally takes many months and is not really what you want.  If you marry and apply for tourist visa much harder.  I did the marriage and few years later tourist visa but key factor was wife had been approved by immigration for immigrant visa but we decided to live in Thailand and fact wife was of same age and I had already lived here several years married were positive factors - but review of that immigration paperwork was what got a positive response 

My wife is a US citizen now.

 

She put in the time to make it happen.

 

She will always have her own choices in her life after I pass.

 

And she will always be able to come and go, owning property in both countries

[spidermike007]

5 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I am not married to my longtime gf and I don't plan to marry her.

Why? Because if I marry her and if it ever goes wrong than that will be very expensive for me.

So if I would marry I would virtually sign something like: If you leave me then you will get a lot of money.

Why should I sign something like that if there is no long term advantage of marring?

We all know that lots of relations fail. And we all know that most of the time that is expensive for the husband.

 

I think if a guy leaves his long time gf because he wants to and she didn't really do something wrong then he should support her for a while.

But if she wants to leave him then the reason should not be: Now I get a lot of money.

If you are not married then you don't have to worry about that.

 

The times when people had to marry to be able to live together are over. You don't have to!

My 2 cents: Marry only if you have a good legal reason to do that. And think about the future - and possible alternative versions of the they lived happily ever after future.

I only married my wife, because after living together for many, many years, and deciding to definitely not have children, which she was OK with, I realized that she was a keeper, and it seemed like a form of honor for her and her family. Marriage means nothing to me. Just a social institution. But, I did it for her, and she is even a better version of herself now, unlike most instances in the US. 

[Hummin]

How come some of you guys continue to repeat I risk loosing half of what I get if I marry? 

 

I thought it was what you gain together after you marry, that you are risking, not your fortune you have built up before? Your house, your car or whatever you have in your name before you marry, she can not take away from you, or I'm wrong?

[lopburi3]

1 minute ago, Isaanlife said:

My wife is a US citizen now.

 

She put in the time to make it happen.

 

She will always have her own choices in her life after I pass.

 

And she will always be able to come and go, owning property in both countries

Not sure what that is about but OP stated living in Thailand and over 80 years old so do not believe USA citizenship is a consideration - as it was not in our case.  If it is then marriage is a key factor.

[Guest Isaanlife]

2 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

She would get enough to live happily ever after.

I am pretty sure she would change her standard of living. Now we live in Bangkok, without me I am pretty sure she would live up country.

You dont want to get married because you don't want to lose your money, and you are not sure you wont change and move on, or it won't last or whatever?

 

Yet you claim she would get enough to live happily ever after?

 

So you don't trust the relationship enough to get married but you trust her enough to give her a written will making sure she will get enough to live happily ever after?

 

That makes zero sense. Sounds like you are afraid she will take off before you die or some other crazy idea if you get married but if she sticks around till you die you will leave her something?

 

If you don't love enough to marry her, why in the world would you want to leave her enough to be happy the rest of her life? Can you explain that logic?

[habuspasha]

5 minutes ago, lopburi3 said:

Not sure what that is about but OP stated living in Thailand and over 80 years old so do not believe USA citizenship is a consideration - as it was not in our case.  If it is then marriage is a key factor.

I would like the two of us to be able to spend half the year in our future home in Thailand and half the year in my home in the US.  She would probably like that too, at least while I'm alive.  She also has a home and family in Thailand that she would probably return to when I'm gone.

[Fat is a type of crazy]

19 minutes ago, Isaanlife said:

No sorry. She doesn't love it, that is only you telling yourself she does. No Thai woman wants to have no "Face"

 

If she has a bad temper, well you chose her didn't you?

 

Risk half your stuff? If you have anything worth it at all, you wouldn't have ended up in Thailand.

 

You like your life because you get what you want and you are selfish to do that to her.

 

She probably doesn't have much of a choice because if she did, she wouldn't be with you.

 

You are the control freak. My wife has 100 times more than you will ever have all in her name. 

 

And if she left someday? I wouldn't worry about 1 baht. I would be happy knowing she will be financially secure the rest of her life.

 

I am not to stupid that I cannot make a lot of money back at any age in my life.

 

Maybe that is why I don't worry to act like a man and give my wife the life she deserves.

 

That's fine. So many assumptions. Rude, unnecessary, assumptions. 'My wife has 100 times what you have and all in her name'. Ridiculous.  You do though have a point about her limited security and it is something I have to consider going forward. 

I live and work in Australia by the way. I may have been burnt a bit by my first marriage and am careful. It might not make sense to you but she has a small family who like me, she has a good life, and we are happy. She is a beautiful girl who could find someone else if she wanted. In my opinion. 

She tells me she is happy to be with someone who respects her, who is fun, and, as I say, people are different and sometimes it's like her real husband is Buddha. She has buddha days and buddha this and that. Sometimes today is more important than tomorrow. I support her and give her somewhat of a good life today. Covid has made that difficult to be honest. Good for you though if your lady has a good provider and has full security. I hope she's happy each day like my girlfriend is too. 

Edited January 23, 2022 by Fat is a type of crazy

[Hummin]

16 minutes ago, Isaanlife said:

You dont want to get married because you don't want to lose your money, and you are not sure you wont change and move on, or it won't last or whatever?

 

Yet you claim she would get enough to live happily ever after?

 

So you don't trust the relationship enough to get married but you trust her enough to give her a written will making sure she will get enough to live happily ever after?

 

That makes zero sense. Sounds like you are afraid she will take off before you die or some other crazy idea if you get married but if she sticks around till you die you will leave her something?

 

If you don't love enough to marry her, why in the world would you want to leave her enough to be happy the rest of her life? Can you explain that logic?

Sometimes you corner yourself so you can see what's coming, other times you leave your back open so you will sort out and know who will try to attack you from behind. 

 

I like the last one when it comes to women. I give them the bai I'llth, and wait. 

 

But most of the time I'm choosing the chair in the corner where I can see what's coming at me. War and woman, same same but different,,,,,,

Edited January 23, 2022 by Hummin

[OneMoreFarang]

18 minutes ago, sirineou said:

how she started singing, and even dancing (something that she never did before)

My gf can dance - no question about that. About the singing: I prefer if she does that with her friends in a karaoke place far away from me. ????

 

I understand what you write about happiness, but I don't agree. Many people think they would be happy if only they were married, have a big house and a big car and this and that. And yes, if they just marry or just get a new car then they are a little happier than previously. And then, soon after that event, the situation goes back to: I would be happier if only ...

 

I think that is the big issue which we have to understand for ourselves. We are not long time happier with a big car or house or being married, etc. Most of that becomes normal after a short while. IMHO marriage does not make us long term happier. 

[lopburi3]

3 minutes ago, habuspasha said:

I would like the two of us to be able to spend half the year in our future home in Thailand and half the year in my home in the US.  She would probably like that too, at least while I'm alive.  She also has a home and family in Thailand that she would probably return to when I'm gone.

That sheds a new light on intent - believe marriage and immigrant visa process is what you should look at - although may have to stay in Thailand up to a year before process allows travel - she could then live in USA and just visit Thailand until citizenship and would have the options (although in general Thai seem to prefer living in Thailand IMHO) .

[FritsSikkink]

So you met when 33 and 73,  love on first sight from both parties?

[OneMoreFarang]

Just now, FritsSikkink said:

So you met when 33 and 73,  love on first sight from both parties?

Does it matter? And is it only real love when it happens on first sight?

[1FinickyOne]

27 minutes ago, Fat is a type of crazy said:

I support her and give her somewhat of a good life today.

would love to know the definition of that... one other frequent poster defined it as offering her the fantastic opportunity to pick fruit... and he was surprised that she was disappointed in him and chose to dump him and work at Makro... 

 

the somewhat implies that even you don't think you are giving her a good life... 

[Hummin]

11 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

would love to know the definition of that... one other frequent poster defined it as offering her the fantastic opportunity to pick fruit... and he was surprised that she was disappointed in him and chose to dump him and work at Makro... 

 

the somewhat implies that even you don't think you are giving her a good life... 

I have travelled all over Thailand and Europe with my gf, nice hotels, nice cars, fast motorbikes, and experienced the best kitchens with the best food you can dream off, good wines and nice scenery. 

 

But she is most happy home with her family digging in the dirt and grow food, make food and treath me as her king. She want, vegetable, fruit,  flowers and trees in her garden and fish in the pond, thats when she is happy. What is a good life? I think thats up to each and one to decide, and for me, it is contrasts, change of horizon and be able to travel, not being stuck anyplace, but now, I think Im happy making my gf happy, and still have the freedom to travel. 

 

Som will say Im naive, and maybe Im naive, time will show, only time can show. 

[Maha Sarakham]

I'm of the opinion that if you don't think you can trust a woman in a relationship, you shouldn't be considering marriage in the first place.

[Hummin]

2 minutes ago, Maha Sarakham said:

I'm of the opinion that if you don't think you can trust a woman in a relationship, you shouldn't be considering marriage in the first place.

If my gf had been married from before, and we did not have plans to leave Thailand or of any other visa reasons, why marry? 

 

Of course if you both love each other, thats a good reason, but relatioships is often or maybe of practical reasons more than love! But I can not live without love, or feeling love or being loved. Romantic fool maybe, but I need the energy it gives, and I also try to preserve the feeling, and if both trying hard to maintain the love, and not fall back in to routines, it can be done, but it takes mutual work and interest of doing so. To easy to die in a relationship if the couple do not care, or one part fall out and in to daily routines. Nothing is more worse and mood killer than being taken for granted. 

[Fat is a type of crazy]

19 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

would love to know the definition of that... one other frequent poster defined it as offering her the fantastic opportunity to pick fruit... and he was surprised that she was disappointed in him and chose to dump him and work at Makro... 

 

the somewhat implies that even you don't think you are giving her a good life... 

The reason I said a somewhat good life is that we have been separated due to covid. Besides getting some pocket money making some Baisee for the local temple she hasn't worked for close to two years. She used to work at a bank. The Baisee are the things below e.g. blue on left and small ones on right. She also does some flower arrangements. 

 

 

[Robin]

Getting married would give your wife/gf some legal rights and protection when you die.  if not, your family could claim all your assets and leave her with nothing.  Some countries might pay her a pension.  Also helps if you want to go back to your home country and live.  I am not a legal expert, so you should take proper advice from a lawyer in your home country.  Too many tales, which might be true, of Thai g/f being left with nothing after looking after their farang b/f.  When he dies, his family suddenly appear and claim their rights.

How much does your g/f know about your finances/ assets?  Have you made a will legal in your home country.

When I married, I made it clear to my relatives in UK that my wife would inherit and not hem.  They have not spoken to me since; their loss, not mine.

[Blue Muton]

6 hours ago, steven100 said:

so you're 80,  don't rush into marriage now will ya    '   

Maybe he's the one who is 40.