THE WEEK THAT WAS Committed Bangkokian Rooster joins the bumpkins up country - and comments on “oneupma’amship”

[webfact]

 

OPINION | by Rooster

 

For me Thailand has always been and always will be about Bangkok. I have been to most of the other 76 provinces but never found one I liked.

 

I got off the train at Hua Lampong in 1982 and immediately fell in love. I may not be a Thai but I am a Bangkokian. Till I go up in smoke. 

 

A poster took me to task recently for what he saw as derogatory comments about country bumpkins. Of course it’s just cajolery but I really feel sorry for people who can’t hack life in the best city in the world and who bang on about the Thai countryside. 

 

 

There’s Chiang Mai’s wonderful mountains - if you don’t mind coughing your guts up for half a year - and the beautiful beaches of the eastern seaboard - covered in layers of trash and discarded syringes. Then there’s the oh so friendly villages where there is less than nothing to do except wait for death. 

 

No thanks.

 

They mostly seem to be retirees without any money. So I guess they have no alternative but to pretend that living in the sticks is the way to go.

 

 

By the time you read this - if you’ve got this far, I know how country mice get upset with us sophisticated city slickers - Rooster will actually be on his way to Loei. I usually do the 620 km drive in one go, there’s nothing to visit on the way. 

 

I married a young lady from a village there in 2004 and promised to build her parents a house. As I was flush with cash at the time they got a mansion that is now home to the extended family. I visit once or twice a year to repair things and collect the trash that builds up. I can usually stand it for about 4 days before I’m bored out of my skull and head back to the peace and quiet of northern Bangkok. 

 

 

If it’s not those goddamn roosters waking me up it’s the natives stirring at an ungodly hour. They seem to live by the hours of light. In Bangkok one can live 24/7.

 

I shall be taking all my own food. They live on insects and gristly chicken’s feet. I prefer choice cuts. And tins of Campbell’s soup that can be heated up in a microwave. 

 

If they have microwaves in the sticks. 

 

It’ll be a little different this time. Rooster won’t be the “only farang in the village” to paraphrase Matt Lucas. 

 

 

My sister-in-law has opened a food stall out front of the house and has teamed up with an American from Philadelphia. He’s a nice guy and loves village life. 

 

Everybody loves him, obviously far more than miserable, complaining Rooster.

 

However, I’m hoping to have a conversation with the guy about how his new missus has owed me 300,000 baht for the last six years. I loaned her the money for her last failed restaurant before her marriage to a local Thai man went pear-shaped. I’m adding 2% PA - I’m all heart with a Bangkokian’s financially savvy. We do after all provide 40% of GDP keeping the villages afloat.

 

My young kids love the village and their cousins are very kind as are granddad and the aunties. They are allowed to attend the local school. 

 

But by Thursday it’ll be time to leave and catch a van that does a door to door run.I’m sure I’ll be putting my life in peril but it’ll be a relief to head back south.

 

 As always when I walk back into my 12th floor duplex and survey the view of the city I love, all will be good again. Especially as I’ll be on my own. Unsurprisingly, Rooster has almost no friends and loves solitude and playing Scrabble against himself. 

 

It’s a wonderful life.

 

I do have the odd friend or associate who lives in Pattaya or Hua Hin. Odd being the operative word. They regale me about life on the Eastern Seaboard or Riviera. I smile. I stay for a day or two but the traffic in both places is horrendous even if they have plenty of dope shops now. And I do so hate being approached like a tourist.

 

In Bangkok everyone ignores me. Perfecto!

 

I’m also taking next week off so if the news appears boring and the writing tedious, you’ll know why.

 

Last week I didn’t write the column. Nothing happened, that's why. My readers were probably glad.

This week was slightly better. 

 

 

The tourist police chief asked visitors to call 1155 to report taxi drivers who refuse fares. 

 

Isn’t trying to get a cab in the rain and eventually succeeding part of the fun in coming to Bangkok? Certainly the bumpkins - they must be - who commented on the story had nothing but bad things to say about Krung Thep cabbies.

 

Bless. They afford rent in the city so they have a go at her! All the while thinking that our cabbies are like the miscreants in Pattaya and Phuket.

 

On the contrary, Bangkok cabbies are almost universally polite and honest and offer the best and most value for money service of any city in the world. The cabs are clean and modern and so long as you speak Thai and do a bit of directing they will get you to your destination. They truly are one of the city’s greatest assets though they need to be paid more. That’s in the pipeline. 

 

 

The thread was so full of Bangkok bashers banging on about imaginary friends assaulted, journeys not completed, rude drivers etc etc. Funny peculiar how in 40 years it’s never happened to me. Oh, yes I remember now. I engage in pleasant conversations with the drivers about having several wives making them laugh. 

 

Just so they think I’m nice when I don’t give them a tip. (I keep the change too saying it’s for my kids’ piggy banks).

 

I used to travel everywhere by bus when I was poor. Two baht it cost. I think they want eight now. Bloomin’ scandalous. It was easy to get about as I could read Thai. I learnt that in a couple of weekends - it’s so easy - and helps to make life in Bangkok easy too.

 

Tourists - and the great majority of expats  - have to rely on transliteration. Most expats seem to have a mental block when it comes to reading and writing Thai even though it’s just 42 consonants going left to right. 

 

They also don’t realise how learning to read would help make their appalling tones better. Even if they can speak at all. 

 

A story about place names transliterated on a #60 bus showed the problems for people who don’t read Thai. But Pratuna and Knlongtna were pretty easy to figure out especially if you have acquired dyslexia like Rooster. 

 

 

And, again, isn’t getting lost part of the fun of coming to the big, bad metropolis. I may go off wandering into the fields in Loei. It’s easy to find one’s way back - just follow the smell of pla raa. 

 

A story about a man who parted with 56,000 baht and still didn’t get his “sideline girl” for some short time sex garnered a lot of comment.

 

 

How people are scammed like this beggar’s belief. And the guy was Thai! Why on earth would you send even a single baht to a hooker online? Must need his head examined. Or his purple head. 

 

The “sideline” phenomenon is cute. It’s really just a word for a prostitute but it entices men into believing they are getting something fresh. Titter. She’s not a student, guys, but a tart in a white blouse and a black skirt who may or may not have invested in a uni pin to complete the illusion.

 

You’ll find the tattoos are a giveaway. Nice girls do not have tatts. That’s well known in Thailand. If people tell you otherwise they are in denial, or they married a bar girl.

 

In international news Queen Elizabeth was finally “laid to rest” - actually put in a horrible vault next to other ancient and festering corpses. I find the whole idea of burial or vault life utterly ghastly.

 

Everybody should be compulsorily cremated and the ashes scattered somewhere nice. The funeral on Monday went on and on and on, I kept waiting for something interesting to happen.

 

 

The lack of cultural diversity among the armed forces was appalling, nearly every face was white. One identical procession after another. Rubbish hymns, did I miss “I vow to thee my country”?? Not a patch on Diana’s send-off. 

 

I’ve never felt less British in my life.

 

Then there were the journalists and “royal biographers” harping on about how wonderful the Brits do pomp and ceremony. All of them grovelling and trying to outdo each other in praise for the  British monarchy. As the Guardian’s David Squires brilliantly observed, it was “oneupma’amship”. 

 

The coverage on every channel was so biased giving just a cursory nod to republicans. One nutty royalist said young people need more education to understand all the good the monarchy does. Bloomin’ cheek. I suppose he was just going on the attack because 70% of 18-24 year olds in the UK want a republic.

 

I’m with them. As much as I respected the Queen for her long service to the country and corgis,  she lost a lot of her dominions. Charles will lose even more until there’s nothing left except England to fall back on. 

 

Thankfully, he should bring about the end of royalty in England. He has an overinflated view of himself and his institution and will not receive the support his mother enjoyed. Especially as he hasn’t got half her brains and will meddle in politics until a referendum is announced and he and his like will finally be shown the door.

 

The tourists will still come to visit the palaces and having a properly elected person as head of state will guard against ludicrous buffoons like Charles and mad in-bred loons taking over in the future.

 

 

Back in Thailand Chuwit was up to his usual games on Facebook. This time going on about corruption. Just like last time. And the time before that. He’s good copy but so far past his sell-by date. He was also jailed for corruption. I’ve had enough of him. He got the court decision wrong too…Suthep got off in the police station building scandal. 

 

Probably more court corruption, eh Chuwit? Yawn…..

 

The flooding in Udon Thani caused several students to be electrocuted.

 

 

Posters went on and on about the use of the word “electrocuted” with many saying it’s only used when people die! What nonsense.

 

Rooster, sensing that the story would not be widely read, decided on using “electrocuted”. Bingo - the whole thread became not about the issue but about the meaning of the word, as I thought.

 

How I hate these self-righteous posters who complain about journalists and translators not knowing the English language when it is they who haven’t got the first clue. Look at their posts, full of grammatical errors. Of course, they’re never wrong so it’s lovely to remain in the shadows casting out the bait and reeling ‘em in.

 

 

A Super Poll said that a majority of Thais appreciated Prawit for his flood work. It was 45%.

 

I would urge all readers to completely ignore Super Poll. They are pro-elitist lackeys whose polls are complete balderdash. Rooster puts ASEAN NOW warnings on their findings for good reason.

 

One of the most read stories of the week was about Nazi the Pit Bull who got its owner’s neck in its jaws and wouldn’t let go - as dogs do.

 

Apparently this playful pet that is so good with children, got the hump because a stray called “Whitey” was getting some of his scraps. 

 

 

Nasty for the owner, but par for the course. A bit of a stormtrooper in a teacup to continue the analogy. 

 

Tim Newton even credited ASEAN NOW for the translation on his YouTube channel. Cheers Tim! I might even follow you in the future if you keep that praise up.

 

In Petchaburi a Thai woman is claiming that a farang in a Lamborghini swapped drivers after he drove her egg carrying pick-up off the road. 

 

 

Finally it was reported that when the new dual track opens later this year the journey from Bangkok to Hua Hin will only be two and a half hours rather than the normal four.

 

Meaning an extra hour and a half of one’s life in Hua Hin.

 

 

Whoopy Doo!

 

Rooster 

 

 

-- © Copyright  ASEAN NOW 2022-09-24

 

- Cigna offers a range of visa-compliant plans that meet the minimum requirement of medical treatment, including COVID-19, up to THB 3m. For more information on all expat health insurance plans click here.

 

Monthly car subscription with first-class insurance, 24x7 assistance and more in one price - click here to find out more!

 

Get your business in front of millions of customers who read ASEAN NOW with an interest in Thailand every month - email [email protected] for more information

[bobbin]

Kind of grumpy this week...

[Gottfrid]

33 minutes ago, webfact said:

I have been to most of the other 76 provinces but never found one I liked.

A little bit picky, aren´t we?

[stoner]

you sound like a real a hole pretty much from start to finish of this post. must be a super fun guy to be around. anyone else you want to talk down to or put into groups ? 

 

you represent this forum with a post like that ? unreal.

 

 

[MyFriend You]

Right On Rooster!!   I did my 'up country' living time back in the seventies, went back in the eighties & nineties, and finally in 2014 for visits.......only thing that has changed is there are more chickens, better roads, and hundreds upon hundreds of resturants all serving the same thing.  I always make it back to Bangkok for perspective.  Come 2015, I bought a Condo in Jom Tien, 300 yards off beach, quiet, close enough to the crazieness in Pattaya to visit a couple times a month, unless the songtaw makes the wrong turn, I never need to go.   The pic of the old train station in Lumpang brings back memories of an old Peace Corps flame I had...........Is that the station with the Big Clock in front that was stopped after WWII and never started again??   My last memory cell get Uthradit and Lumpang mixed up.  Keep 'em coming, always makes my Friday mornings go by.      Peace

[roo860]

41 minutes ago, bobbin said:

Kind of grumpy this week...

One of his sprogs writ it for im!

[Gecko123]

Bewilderingly offensive and obnoxious.

[Bobtheblob]

Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed today.

[Gottfrid]

Before I stopped. Now I got the time to finish reading your article. What in the world are you on about? Normally you write only mainstream garbage, but this time you outdone yourself. You managed to come lower than i thought was possible.

 

A regular poster, that spouts this kind of degrading information gets locked out of the forum for quite long time. 

[HighPriority]

Stick it up em, wave it around and then slap their silly faces with it !

But you can keep Bangkok to yourself.

Keep up the good work Rooster ????????

[Golden Triangle]

Biggest load of rubbish I have ever had the displeasure of reading.

[blazes]

Pathetic piece of prose, chum.  Sounds like you read too much of the Daily Mail and have absorbed their style.  A  kind of unconscious plagiarism.

 

No, wait a minute: you sound just like Piers Moron.  As an Arsenal supporter, I am ashamed of him    - and you.

[streetlite]

Tell Philadelphia boy that I'm from Southwest Philly now living very happily in my farming community for the past 12 years, and yes I have a substantial income. Cheesesteaks, hoagies, Eagles, Phillies. 

[HighPriority]

#Mybutthurts

 

????????

[Lacessit]

I'd rather chew razor blades than live in Bangkok, too many people.

 

I'm not sure where Rooster gets his data on smoke pollution in Chiang Mai, the API hasn't got over 50 this year thanks to unending rain since Songkhran. Perhaps he is addicted to the more civilized diesel fumes of Bangkok.

 

Be of good cheer, fellow country bumpkins. Those rains are heading for Bangkok, giving Rooster something else to bitch about when he has to park his car on an overpass.

 

 

[PaDavid]

I don’t agree with most of your column, but you did get two things correct. At least from my limited perspective:
1. Most farangs living in the sticks have little money and, thus, need to rely on agencies for their annual visa extensions - which further reduces the amount they have to live on. But, if living in the capital makes everyone as grumpy as you, I’ll happily call myself a bumpkin - thank you very much. 
2. I’ve always found Bangkok taxi drivers honest and friendly, though I can’t say the same about most of the other citizens I’ve rubbed shoulders with. But, of course, most of the taxi drivers hail from Isaan. 

[Expat68]

Stay in Bangkok, please

[George Aylesham]

50 minutes ago, blazes said:

Pathetic piece of prose, chum.  Sounds like you read too much of the Daily Mail and have absorbed their style.  A  kind of unconscious plagiarism.

 

No, wait a minute: you sound just like Piers Moron.  As an Arsenal supporter, I am ashamed of him    - and you.

Ouch! To be compared to Piers, that must hurt.

[off road pat]

5 hours ago, stoner said:

you sound like a real a hole pretty much from start to finish of this post. must be a super fun guy to be around. anyone else you want to talk down to or put into groups ? 

 

you represent this forum with a post like that ? unreal.

 

 

Unsurprisingly, Rooster has almost no friends and loves solitude and playing Scrabble against himself. 

 

[Nicholas Paul KNIGHT]

Sanctimonious twit, suffers from delusions of grandeur, I will ignore all and every written piece by this person ion future and ensure all my Friends do the same. Why ASEAN Times or even BKK Post put up with his ramblings is beyond me 

 

Maybe he likes being poisoned by the POLLUTION in Bangkok. !!!!Up where I am fresh air would probably kill him, now there is an idea .........hahaha

[Gecko123]

 

Can’t hack life in...

as in 'was smart enough to look for greener pastures', and 'isn't financially forced to live there in order to scratch out a living', right?

the best city in the world ...

yeah, like that's a widely held opinion. Maybe if you took an opinion poll of sewer rats. 

There’s Chiang Mai’s wonderful mountains - if you don’t mind coughing your guts up for half a year...

As opposed to what? Coughing your lungs up year round in BKK?  When I get off the bus in Mo Chit I immediately taste diesel fumes in my mouth. Sukhumvit? Give me a break. Out here in bumpkin land no need for air conditioning, great 4 way cross ventilation, no urban heat, super quiet at night, no noisy neighbors, no barking dogs, tons of privacy, clean air, burning has been greatly reduced in past couple of years.

and the beautiful beaches of the eastern seaboard - covered in layers of trash and discarded syringes...

Ahhh, the pristine klongs and waterways of Bangkok are calling

Then there’s the oh so friendly villages where there is less than nothing to do except wait for death...

Excuse me? I know virtually every single person in my moo ban and am an accepted member of  the community.  How many people do you know in your condominium? If you need constant entertainment to distract and stimulate yourself, that's your problem, buddy. Mastering French, reading, writing, accomplished cook, great gardener, getting regular exercise here in the countryside.

 mostly seem to be retirees without any money...

Do you really want to go there? This from a quote 'celebrity wannabee' unquote? Financially comfortable, and can still afford to comfortably repatriate to my home country. Can you? 

They have no alternative but to pretend that living in the sticks is the way to go...

Not pretending, buddy. Have done ongoing comprehensive comparisons between numerous other locations both in Thailand and abroad, and where I'm at now steadily maintains its favorable standing.

with us sophisticated city slickers...

Again, who do you think you're kidding?

I visit once or twice a year to repair things and collect the trash that builds up.. I can usually stand it for about 4 days before I’m bored out of my skull and head back to the peace and quiet of northern Bangkok...  I shall be taking all my own food.... They live on insects and gristly chicken’s feet... I prefer choice cuts... And tins of Campbell’s soup that can be heated up in a microwave... it’ll be a relief to head back south....

Something tells me the in-laws count the hours before you go back to Bangkok too.

They seem to live by the hours of light...

That's right, early to bed, early to rise, keeps a man healthy, wealthy and wise. It's a great lifestyle. Try it some time.

In Bangkok one can live 24/7...

You mean sleep until noon, right? Last time I checked there are 24 hours in the day and 7 days in a week out in the country too.

[madmitch]

Whilst agreeing with your views on village life for foreigners, I found the rest of the article insulting and insensitive and I'm surprised the mods have allowed it to be published.

 

The Rooster ramblings have become increasingly self-centred in the past months but this has topped the lot!

[Black arab]

Yawn, what a bore.

[Andrew Dwyer]

Stopped reading this tosh about 2 years ago, the above post attracted me to read it today.

Seems like the same old rehashed garbage from 2 years ago …… only worse !!

[CM Dad]

Thankfully, Mr. Cock-a-doodle prefers life in traffic-choked, exhaust-polluted Bangkok.  It's not at all surprising that he has no friends and spends most of his time alone playing with himself.

[hotelbri]

Satire at its best.  

[Partenavia]

I usually enjoy reading Rooster's take on Thai life, however, today's just came across as a rant, as if you were deliberately trying to stir things up. Though for the life of me I don't understand the totally unnecessary rubbish you wrote about the Queen's funeral. Clearly you don't understand the ceremony behind the funeral. 

What a sad person you are.

[ChrisKC]

I love the countryside in which to base myself.

 

I love the city for its hustle and bustle for occasional visits. 

 

For every country bumpkin there is a City Slicker

[mackayae]

Sounds like the rooster needs to be gai yanged.

[Burma Bill]

7 hours ago, webfact said:

Thailand has always been and always will be about Bangkok

Your choice, but certainly not mine  - a dreadful noisy and polluted city IMO! I was always happy to get on a plane, train or bus and travel back up north to join my fellow country bumpkins (my choice)