My marriage is heading south. Dont know what to do.

[advancebooking]

Ive been married near 10 yrs. We have a child under 10 who's in one of the competitive Maths programs at a govt' primary school.

 

I cannot believe how much homework and tests that my child has to endure. Its causing a lot of tension because I dont like seeing my kid getting woken up by my pushy wife at 530am and going to bed a 940pm tonight. So many hours of homework and questions to do from basically 5pm to 930pm tonight. Both of them are stressed by this stage of the night and I feel sorry for my child actually. 

 

I dont know if I can cope with years of this BS to come. 

 

If we divorce I worry about leaving my child alone with my wife who doesnt seem to care about the fact that a child that age needs 9 to 10 hours sleep. Im the one cooking healthy meals and if I go away my child lives off grab deliveries. 

 

My wife will not listen to me at all about these matters. I feel lonely in this marriage. My wife only cares about my childs success at school. 

 

The only thing that would save our marriage and sanity, in general, is if my child moves out of the program into a normal class. But cant see the wife allowing this. 

 

In summary, my wife is so caught up in her ambition for my child to succeed and be n.o 1 that she fails to see that its stressing everyone out and will probably be detrimental to our marriage that she doesnt seem to care about. 

 

If we finish we have to sell assets etc. Its would all be quite difficult. I would not know what to do with myself. Wondering if I should leave Thailand. I feel they both dont value my presence in this family anyway. 

Edited July 4, 2023 by advancebooking

[BangkokReady]

For what it's worth, this kind of thing isn't exactly rare in Thailand.  A lot of Thai kids only get a few hours sleep a night even when they're not staying up to study.

 

Is moving back to your home country a possibility?  Or finding a better school?

 

It just seems a little hasty to think about divorce if it might not even fix the problem.

 

Could you learn to put up with it?  Find ways to support what is happening?

Edited July 4, 2023 by BangkokReady

[Felton Jarvis]

17 minutes ago, advancebooking said:

Ive been married near 10 yrs. We have a child under 10 who's in one of the competitive Maths programs at a govt' primary school.

 

I cannot believe how much homework and tests that my child has to endure. Its causing a lot of tension because I dont like seeing my kid getting woken up by my pushy wife at 530am and going to bed a 940pm tonight. So many hours of homework and questions to do from basically 5pm to 930pm tonight. Both of them are stressed by this stage of the night and I feel sorry for my child actually. 

 

I dont know if I can cope with years of this BS to come. 

 

If we divorce I worry about leaving my child alone with my wife who doesnt seem to care about the fact that a child that age needs 9 to 10 hours sleep. Im the one cooking healthy meals and if I go away my child lives off grab deliveries. 

 

My wife will not listen to me at all about these matters. I feel lonely in this marriage. My wife only cares about my childs success at school. 

 

The only thing that would save our marriage and sanity, in general, is if my child moves out of the program into a normal class. But cant see the wife allowing this. 

 

If we finish we have to sell assets etc. Its would all be quite difficult. I would not know what to do with myself. Wondering if I should leave Thailand. I feel they both dont value my presence in this family anyway. 

A very sad situation, but. I have never known a Thai person who would listen to ANY farang. They respond only to brute force from their superiors. I’ve met many Thai people who had college degrees and are still not able to make ends meet because the wages are so low. Still they run around grovelling to anyone who has a social position deemed “superior” to their own. A sad state of affairs.

[bignok]

Leave Thailand? If that's your no 1 choice do it. Pack up and go. Only you know. We have never met you.

 

Life after age 40 goes downhill mostly. Just aging. Get out while you are still young if marriage is bad.

 

 

[bignok]

5 minutes ago, Felton Jarvis said:

have never known a Thai person who would listen to ANY farang

My gf does.

[FritsSikkink]

30 minutes ago, advancebooking said:

Ive been married near 10 yrs. We have a child under 10 who's in one of the competitive Maths programs at a govt' primary school.

 

I cannot believe how much homework and tests that my child has to endure. Its causing a lot of tension because I dont like seeing my kid getting woken up by my pushy wife at 530am and going to bed a 940pm tonight. So many hours of homework and questions to do from basically 5pm to 930pm tonight. Both of them are stressed by this stage of the night and I feel sorry for my child actually. 

 

I dont know if I can cope with years of this BS to come. 

 

If we divorce I worry about leaving my child alone with my wife who doesnt seem to care about the fact that a child that age needs 9 to 10 hours sleep. Im the one cooking healthy meals and if I go away my child lives off grab deliveries. 

 

My wife will not listen to me at all about these matters. I feel lonely in this marriage. My wife only cares about my childs success at school. 

 

The only thing that would save our marriage and sanity, in general, is if my child moves out of the program into a normal class. But cant see the wife allowing this. 

 

In summary, my wife is so caught up in her ambition for my child to succeed and be n.o 1 that she fails to see that its stressing everyone out and will probably be detrimental to our marriage that she doesnt seem to care about. 

 

If we finish we have to sell assets etc. Its would all be quite difficult. I would not know what to do with myself. Wondering if I should leave Thailand. I feel they both dont value my presence in this family anyway. 

Take some action to protect your child.

Edited July 4, 2023 by FritsSikkink

[gearbox]

Thai tiger mother... probably not a common case here. Usually in Oz they are from Chinese descent. If you divorce you won't have any problem finding a new one who's is too busy with her FB selfies and have no time left to force your next kid to study.

[Felton Jarvis]

43 minutes ago, BangkokReady said:

For what it's worth, this kind of thing isn't exactly rare in Thailand.  A lot of Thai kids only get a few hours sleep a night even when they're not staying up to study.

 

Is moving back to your home country a possibility?  Or finding a better school?

 

It just seems a little hasty to think about divorce if it might not even fix the problem.

 

Could you learn to put up with it?  Find ways to support what is happening?

I greatly respect you for your approach to what you are dealing with. I don’t think there is a counselor alive who could give you sound advice in this situation.

[JeffersLos]

43 minutes ago, Felton Jarvis said:

I have never known a Thai person who would listen to ANY farang.

38 minutes ago, bignok said:

My gf does.

The one paying her monthly salary? 

[bignok]

3 minutes ago, JeffersLos said:

The one paying her monthly salary? 

What is that?

[bignok]

15 minutes ago, Felton Jarvis said:

I greatly respect you for your approach to what you are dealing with. I don’t think there is a counselor alive who could give you sound advice in this situation.

He isn't the op.

[HuskerDo2]

Tell your wife that if things don't change you will leave her and then she won't be able to pay for the school your child attends. It will be a lose-lose for HER.

[proton]

Might be an idea to ask the child what he/she wants and feels about all this

[OneMoreFarang]

I imagine that decent teachers and decent schools know that a child should not study 24/7.

If a school and teacher and mother insist that your child lives like that then they don't have the best interests of the child in mind.

[jak2002003]

If you are the one paying for the school....stop paying and send your girl to another school or keep her at that school and stop paying for the extra maths stuff. 

 

If your wife does not like it, then that's just too bad for her.  If she wants to divorce you over that matter then the marriage is not worth being in anyway. 

 

But, actually, how is your child? Are you perhaps worrying too much about it?  If she gets a nap in the afternoon or sometime in the day that is fine for her to sleep less at night.  

 

Does she get stressed and upset about the extra work or does she just moan about it(like a typical kid would). Or maybe she actually enjoys it?

 

If she seems OK then I would say let her keep doing the extra work. 

 

 

[1FinickyOne]

2 hours ago, bignok said:

Life after age 40 goes downhill mostly

Just wait until you are 65+ 

[1FinickyOne]

2 hours ago, advancebooking said:

I dont know if I can cope with years of this BS to come. 

How is your child coping? 

 

My kid embraces school and the hours are the same for the other students too. That said, I complain about the hours... she is tired all of the time - I hate to see her that way and I do not think it conducive to learning, but she is learning more and having fun less... 

[save the frogs]

2 hours ago, advancebooking said:

I feel they both dont value my presence in this family anyway. 

how did you get from 'my wife doesnt listen to me' to concluding that your child doesnt need you?

 

if you leave, your child will have 2 problems - too much math homework and no father.

 

 

[freedomnow]

Feel for you bro...one issue with my g/f is her bullheaded stubborness when she gets an idea in her head...

 

Try and work it through with a therapist (?) before spilitting soley due to that....

 

Think of the kid.

You are talking about splitting and leaving the country on this one issue.

 

OR

at least lay this out as your next most likely step to the wife aka your 'Trump card' ....especially if she cannot support the kid in this intense extra study/house costs...

[Furioso]

No kid should have pressure like this at such a young age. It isn't healthy. I would let my wife know that it's more important to have a happy, healthy, stress free childhood then an overambitious race to the best university, prestigious career. 

 

Man, if one unreasonable parent is running the show then it's NEVER going to work. The one reasonable parent MUST take charge and if they cannot then IT'S OVER. Ideally both parents should be on the same sheet of music, but that's never going to happen in Thailand. 

[BritManToo]

8 hours ago, advancebooking said:

My wife will not listen to me at all about these matters. I feel lonely in this marriage. My wife only cares about my childs success at school. 

Entirely normal in marriages with children.

Buy yourself some pets or get a girlfriend.

It'll make you feel a lot better.

[thaibeachlovers]

6 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I imagine that decent teachers and decent schools know that a child should not study 24/7.

If a school and teacher and mother insist that your child lives like that then they don't have the best interests of the child in mind.

Sounds like normal for Asian child that has (a) parent(s) wanting them to succeed in life and be able to support them in old age.

 

Perhaps she doesn't want the boy to end up working in 7 11 or some dead end job, and is doing what she believes is in the interest of the child's future.

IMO if the OP doesn't like what is happening shouldn't have had the kid and probably shouldn't have married her- it's not his culture.

 

IMO too many farang guys move to Thailand and marry, have a kid etc without making any attempt to understand the culture.

 

IMO till farangs understand they are not living in THEIR culture this sort of problem will just keep on keeping on.

 

[thaibeachlovers]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

Entirely normal in marriages with children.

Buy yourself some pets or get a girlfriend.

It'll make you feel a lot better.

Every time I read a thread like this I thank the deity I never had a kid(s) with any women. My 2 relationships may have failed, but at least there weren't any small lives created by me to be ruined along with the disasters.

[thaibeachlovers]

5 hours ago, Furioso said:

No kid should have pressure like this at such a young age. It isn't healthy. I would let my wife know that it's more important to have a happy, healthy, stress free childhood then an overambitious race to the best university, prestigious career. 

 

Man, if one unreasonable parent is running the show then it's NEVER going to work. The one reasonable parent MUST take charge and if they cannot then IT'S OVER. Ideally both parents should be on the same sheet of music, but that's never going to happen in Thailand. 

Sooooo, you want the kid to have a wonderful childhood and end up in some dead end job for the rest of it's life?

IMO, in Asia success in life generally depends on success in school. That's because they don't take other people's money to support losers like in the west.

[OneMoreFarang]

5 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Sounds like normal for Asian child that has (a) parent(s) wanting them to succeed in life and be able to support them in old age.

 

Perhaps she doesn't want the boy to end up working in 7 11 or some dead end job, and is doing what she believes is in the interest of the child's future.

IMO if the OP doesn't like what is happening shouldn't have had the kid and probably shouldn't have married her- it's not his culture.

 

IMO too many farang guys move to Thailand and marry, have a kid etc without making any attempt to understand the culture.

 

IMO till farangs understand they are not living in THEIR culture this sort of problem will just keep on keeping on.

 

You have a point.

And in a way it is good when the mother looks that the child gets a good education.

But there is something like too much learning.

For proper development kids also have to play with friends and alone. And when kids didn't have that over the years when they develop nothing can make those kids "healthy normal" again.

He should try to find a solution where the kid learns and plays. 

[RichardColeman]

9 hours ago, Felton Jarvis said:

A very sad situation, but. I have never known a Thai person who would listen to ANY farang.

I have never found that to be true - they mostly listen and then do the opposite !

[thaibeachlovers]

1 minute ago, OneMoreFarang said:

You have a point.

And in a way it is good when the mother looks that the child gets a good education.

But there is something like too much learning.

For proper development kids also have to play with friends and alone. And when kids didn't have that over the years when they develop nothing can make those kids "healthy normal" again.

He should try to find a solution where the kid learns and plays. 

I agree in a perfect world, but we don't live in a perfect world.

 

Way back ( many many years ago ) when I lived in Singapore, every year when the exam results came out, some students that failed were jumping off the high rises because they had no future.

 

The OP, IMO, comes down to a clash of culture, and the OP isn't living in HIS culture.

IMO by trying to stop his kid getting educational success she thinks he is working against the interests of the kid ( and her ) and it's not going to end well for him if he persists.

 

IMO if he really can't take it he needs to leave both and not make the same mistake again.

[thaibeachlovers]

Just now, RichardColeman said:

I have never found that to be true - they mostly listen and then do the opposite !

I never told my wife what to do as I knew it would be a waste of time.

The most I did was offer advice which she never took any notice of anyway.

 

However, I didn't marry her to be telling her what to do.

[spidermike007]

Are you the primary means of support for your wife? If so, you have alot of leverage and must use it. Explain that you are unfulfilled and will consider moving on and asking for custody of the child. Thai courts often grant that. The primary consideration is who is best able to support the child.

 

That will likely wake your unconscious wife from her stupor. Exert some control. 

 

If not, I would try any means possible to fix the problem. And if nothing could be done, I would hit the road. Nothing is worse than an unfulfilled life, except maybe a life with a control freak wife. 

Edited July 5, 2023 by spidermike007

[KannikaP]

9 hours ago, bignok said:

My gf does.

And so does mine. Not listen = no salary!