divorce yes/no

[charleskerins]

On 10/22/2023 at 5:14 AM, Pistachio said:

I'm sorry, but messing things up and spending most of the day on the bed with your cell phone in your hand is not the right habit. 

 

WTh do you want her to do? She left her country and family for you.  She agreed to leave the kids?  "but you have no one to watch them "  Is this satirical?

[charleskerins]

On 10/22/2023 at 6:23 AM, bob smith said:

What a mess! 
 

Just leave her mate. 
and move somewhere else far far away. 
 

next time don’t rush into a relationship with an uneducated girl. You didn’t meet her in a bar, did you?

Please ignore this terrible advice

[save the frogs]

On 10/22/2023 at 5:45 AM, Pistachio said:

We have no system as a family as breakfast lunch dinner we don't eat together. She's always making her Thai food and the whole fridge is filled with her sauces. ....

 

her not taking care of her health I get is frustrating. 

eating together as a family ... i get that might be important for some very traditional people. although it really isn't necessary all the time. 

but so what if the fridge is filled with her sauces? that sounds silly. 

 

and the tablet thing i don't agree with -- every kid has a tablet these days. you are going against modern culture and trends by denying the kid a tablet. you can install some interesting apps and games on there. some games are mentally stimulating for kids. 

[charleskerins]

On 10/22/2023 at 8:52 AM, Fat is a type of crazy said:

If there is a possibility it can be worked out here are some thoughts: 

Many men are married to women who talk too much and are controlling and nag and have a temper so having a quiet lady who maybe looks at her phone too much ain't so bad. 

Try having fun with her, buy her flowers, surprise. Not because you are in the wrong but so you can add some fun. You do sound too serious - could be due to life being tough so fair enough. 

You say you forbid ipads ...  try not to forbid stuff .. sounds authoritarian and over the top. You can allow them but have rules about their use. 

You compare your household to your youth. We have idealistic memories of our youth - best not to compare.  

She may not be the affectionate motherly love type - Thais can be reserved - let her be her. Don't judge her and compare step by step. 

You say house is a mess but talk about a mess on a book shelf - seconds to clean up - and that there is no system in things - she feeds and clothes the kids and if the house overall is kept clean sounds not too bad. 

 

 

Take this very good advice

[charleskerins]

24 minutes ago, save the frogs said:

 

her not taking care of her health I get is frustrating. 

eating together as a family ... i get that might be important for some very traditional people. although it really isn't necessary all the time. 

but so what if the fridge is filled with her sauces? that sounds silly. 

 

and the tablet thing i don't agree with -- every kid has a tablet these days. you are going against modern culture and trends by denying the kid a tablet. you can install some interesting apps and games on there. some games are mentally stimulating for kids. 

She's always making her Thai food!    This has to be satirical    what is she supposed to make Italian?

[newnative]

      It sounds like only you want to be in Europe.  Your kids don't even want to go out and play.  Contrary to what you say, your wife does seem to be taking some interest in the kids--she dresses and feeds them and I assume gets them off to school--plenty of work right there, by the way, and she takes enough interest that she wants them to have tablets so they can keep up with their peers and new technology. 

    You mention your shelves are a mess.  Clean them up, then!  It's the 21st century--there's no such thing as 'woman's work' anymore.  Sorry to say it but you sounds like you were raised a bit spoiled if you can't even clean up after yourself. Clean the rest of the house, while you're at it, and throw a load in the washer.  As Dear Abby or Ann Landers used to say, 'wake up and smell the coffee'.

    But, that's just my take, from your one side of the story--and it doesn't even matter, anyway.  Either Dear Abby or Ann Landers also used to answer questions such as yours with this:  Ask yourself if you are better off with or without this person, in this case, your wife, and go from there.  It really just comes down to that, in the end, and doesn't matter whether you both are saints or anything else.  I will just add, be brutally honest with yourself when answering that question.  Once you have your answer, either way, you need to make the necessary changes to accommodate your answer. 

[ignore it]

Well Pistachio you've taken that all important first step towards realizing that happy life you deserve.

 

All of us here at AN are here to help.

[charleskerins]

On 10/23/2023 at 1:33 PM, TroubleandGrumpy said:

Yes and No - we are what is called 'in conflicting agreement'. 

 

The kids are the most important thing right now, but in 15-20 years they will not be. They will hopefully be healthy stable adults and will have their own lives to live. That is my point.  Sure, absolutely make sure the kids are fine now and until they are able to live their own lives, but also at the same time make sure you will have a reasonable comfortable life in retirement - do not focus 100% on them and not think about your future after the kids.  Far too many blokes forget that the kids will grow up and leave one day, and then it is far too late for themselves to prepare for their own life after work/family.

 

Absolutely agree with you - the OP should make a legal separation agreement and let the wife go back to Thailand - if there is zero chance of saving the marriage - and if the Mother wants him to keep the kids.  Win/Win.

Yes kids without their mother  win win     NOT

[save the frogs]

6 minutes ago, charleskerins said:

She's always making her Thai food!    This has to be satirical    what is she supposed to make Italian?

not sure. maybe they had an arrangement where she is meant to be cooking his food. he's czech? 

[charleskerins]

14 minutes ago, save the frogs said:

not sure. maybe they had an arrangement where she is meant to be cooking his food. he's czech? 

He sounds selfish. He doesn't mention one important aspect of a relationship.

[save the frogs]

8 minutes ago, charleskerins said:

He sounds selfish. He doesn't mention one important aspect of a relationship.

I have ADD, so I didn't read everything. 

The sauces in the fridge caught my attention as a non-important issue. 

 

[charleskerins]

20 minutes ago, save the frogs said:

I have ADD, so I didn't read everything. 

The sauces in the fridge caught my attention as a non-important issue. 

 

Sauces in our fridge too -not a fan .

[save the frogs]

2 minutes ago, charleskerins said:

Sauces in our fridge too -not a fan .

but its not a deal-breaker

[charleskerins]

11 minutes ago, save the frogs said:

but its not a deal-breaker

 

11 minutes ago, save the frogs said:

but its not a deal-breaker

Hell no    

[The Theory]

The problem is many men just get married to an "unknown" woman for whatever the reason is. Women get married to a man that they believe he is a good provider or at least he can pay for what she needs. The rest, who cares. 
That's not enough to keep 2 together for long.

[SportRider]

On 10/22/2023 at 2:48 AM, Skipalongcassidy said:

Open your mind and heart... she is isolated... like it or not there are many people who when taken away from their natural surroundings and what they know about concerning life who cannot cope and they withdraw into a shell... and it doesn't sound like you have done much in supporting the fact that that is exactly what you have done to her... it's all about what you want... how old are you...12

Yes she sounds like she could be depressed and needs some help.

[xtrnuno41]

No clue if you have conversations, you said she doenst want to learn language. Guess she knows somehow English?

You are in EU, not stating country.

Could it be, she is really homesick?! She misses Thailand and therefor act in this way?

Also she became mother, post natal depression? IF you combine 2 together, then you have a bad situation.

You dont understand and get angry on all little to bigger things, which also dont help.

 

She could do it now even on purpose, so you divorce her and she could go back to Thailand.

The kids are in between the 2 of you and are the most vulnerable in this situation.

A miserable situation, you have tried to talk about all? Not easy, as she can or maybe still will not open up.

Then maybe a visit to a shrink? Someone strange to whom she can spit it out.?

Cant tell you what to do, you have to figure it out yourself. I can relate to your problem, but it si between you and her.

Open your mind on maybe hidden issues.

 

[atpeace]

On 10/22/2023 at 5:14 AM, Pistachio said:

I'm sorry, but messing things up and spending most of the day on the bed with your cell phone in your hand is not the right habit. 

 

Been where your at to a lesser extent but see where you are coming from.  You f'd up and married someone that was probably mentally unstable  and had two kids.  I doubt she was a go getter in Thailand.  I myself married the wrong woman but realized that having kids would leave me with much more complicated choices.  

 

If she offered to leave and your only concern is who will watch the kids, you are insane not to take her up on it.  Do you want to keep stacking up your bad choices? Get her out of the country and put your life back together and hope she never comes back and complicates your new life.  Once she is in Thailand other opportunities are available.  A divorce in Thailand is accepted  in many countries, USA for example,  which has obvious benefits.

[Jaggg88]

OK, I'm not going to judge you or tell you what you have done wrong as others have done on here but I will try and give you some practical advice. Your wife doesn't seem remotely maternal and as she had agreed to go back to Thailand and leave the kids with you then that would be best for the kids. I lived in the UK and was in the same situation a number of years ago so I hired a live-in nanny/au pair from an agency. It was very affordable but the first girl was a nightmare and I had to dismiss her but the second girl was a delight and my children are still in touch with her 24 years later. She was from Lithuania. PS Try and pick an unattractive one or you'll end up in the same situation 🤣 Once your wife has returned to Thailand you must seek legal advice to secure your situation as your wife will be getting lots of advice from Bar Girl lawyers back in Thailand and may return in an attempt to fleece you using the children as ammunition. Chok dee

[scorecard]

On 10/22/2023 at 6:23 AM, bob smith said:

What a mess! 
 

Just leave her mate. 
and move somewhere else far far away. 
 

next time don’t rush into a relationship with an uneducated girl. You didn’t meet her in a bar, did you?

Stupid response.

[bbko]

On 10/22/2023 at 8:13 AM, bob smith said:

If I knocked up a bar girl I would run a million miles.

 

Just sayin.

Disgusting comment, welcome to the ignore list.

[bob smith]

4 minutes ago, bbko said:

Disgusting comment, welcome to the ignore list.

You married one then?

[save the frogs]

On 10/24/2023 at 10:51 PM, The Theory said:

The problem is many men just get married to an "unknown" woman for whatever the reason is. Women get married to a man that they believe he is a good provider or at least he can pay for what she needs. The rest, who cares. 
That's not enough to keep 2 together for long.

So what is enough to keep 2 people together for long?

 

Don't answer. It's too complicated and not many people even know.

 

A lot of people are deluded and think it's "love" that holds together a relationship. It's not.

 

Relationship counsellors who have had a lot of experience counselling couples may be the few skilled people who know. 

 

Now I am beginning to study psychology and relationship issues, but maybe this stuff should be discussed in schools instead of all the mostly useless crap we are taught. 

 

All we have is love songs and romantic Hollywood films and feminism teaching women to hate men. 

 

And then we all have difficulties in relationships because we don't know what we're doing and we've never been taught anything about it. 

 

 

[save the frogs]

5 hours ago, bob smith said:

You married one then?

It's one of the best ways to insult someone on here. 

Never gets old. 

[geisha]

The OP doesn’t say his age ( he could be over 60!!), or his wife’s age which is important, or the age of the children. This could explain the fact that the OP is too old to care for the kids. His wife might be very young and want a «  young » lifestyle. Or too old to adapt to a foreign way of life. I find his comments very cold / hard, did he help his wife to adapt, does he show her around , does he educate his children ( that’s the job of both parents but he can do it better being a national of his country !) Why doesn’t he clear up his own mess ? Or has he married a woman only to have a cook and  cleaner and look after the kids on her own ? This would make me think he’s an older man with old fashioned way of thinking as it was before the 80s in many families. I would tell him to make a big effort, cherish his children and make a good life for them with or without a mum. If she wants to go back help her to. She must be unhappy with you. The OP can hire a child carer, most working mums do this all over the western world. And while he’s at it he should put his ego in his pocket.

[fredwiggy]

On 10/27/2023 at 1:43 AM, save the frogs said:

So what is enough to keep 2 people together for long?

 

Don't answer. It's too complicated and not many people even know.

 

A lot of people are deluded and think it's "love" that holds together a relationship. It's not.

 

Relationship counsellors who have had a lot of experience counselling couples may be the few skilled people who know. 

 

Now I am beginning to study psychology and relationship issues, but maybe this stuff should be discussed in schools instead of all the mostly useless crap we are taught. 

 

All we have is love songs and romantic Hollywood films and feminism teaching women to hate men. 

 

And then we all have difficulties in relationships because we don't know what we're doing and we've never been taught anything about it. 

 

 

I, along with millions of others, failed in marriages because of a few things. I got into studying relationships, narcissism, psychology in regards to relationships, child rearing and more for a very long time,reading over 65 books and thousands of articles, and it didn't matter one bit because of the choices I made from attraction, and not getting to know them longer. There are a few things that keep people together,the first being commitment. Commitment to each other to make the marriage work no matter what. This means being faithful, honest, non abusive, caring, loving and having future plans that coincide. This with a few mutual interests will make any relationship last. Mental illnesses, narcissism, and depression, which are both illnesses, will ruin most relationships so if one partner has them it will be very hard to make things work, especially if they don't recognize their problem or admit that they have one if they do. It's true that most schools do not prepare children for life's lessons. They teach basics that we will use, but not the most important things, like interpersonal relationships and child rearing. That everyone learns by trial and mostly error.

[save the frogs]

7 hours ago, fredwiggy said:

That everyone learns by trial and mostly error.

school of hard knocks