Relationship advice

[cavallerio]

Hi chaps.

 

Be grateful for your thoughts on my situation. I live in the UK, never visited Thailand. Met a Thai lady on Tinder. She's a single mom lives in Bangkok with two kids, works for a government ministry. Originally from Isaan. We've been video chatting for a three months now, and Ive booked a trip to Bangkok later this month to meet. I'm 53, she's 38... would be way out of my league in the UK. She speaks good English and is quite open that she's looking for a European partner, and dated a few European guys in the past, has a lot of friends married to European guys. 

 

She ticks a lot of boxes for me, she's smart hard-working and straightforward. I understand that a big part of her attraction to me is financial, as she's wanting a good education for her kids, and up to a point I'm okay with that. I'm probably about 5 years away from retirement here, and wouldn't be averse to moving somewhere warmer permanently. Got no real ties here, divorced and kids grown up.

 

I guess I am just a little bit wary about being played. I'd be interested to hear from anybody who has been in a similar situation, any red flags to look out for, other advice, thoughts, etc? 

[smutcakes]

Good luck with it. Dont listen to all the negative responses you will get. Just take it slow and steady, dont transfer your life savings to her or more than you can afford to lose... go for it, you have nothing to lose, just take it slowly and be sensible.

 

There will always be an element of finance about this type of relationship so just be open and honest and if she is genuine hopefully she will be the same. It wont take long for red flag warnings if she is a scammer, and if she is just say thanks but no thanks and cut contact.

[AlexRich]

Many red flags, unfortunately. You have already raised a family, why take responsibility for someone else's? You state that you are "not in her league" - you've already put her on a pedestal. That's a mistake. You already acknowledge that a big part of the attraction is financial ... another red flag. 

 

By all means go over and see her, but don't leave your brain at home. For the first time in decades you are free from obligations, so why not spend a few years in Thailand and have a bit of fun ... you've earned it? 

[thaibeachlovers]

1 hour ago, cavallerio said:

She's a single mom lives in Bangkok with two kids,

Run, run like the wind, run faster than the wind.

 

Your life will never be about you and her, it will always be about the 2 kids that are not yours. That's as it should be- a mother should put her kids first, but YOU don't need someone else's kids in your life.

 

I've been there, got the T shirt, and never never never again.

[scubascuba3]

With internet dating it's totally different when you meet in real life, so generally it's a waste of time chatting for long, i used to have one phone call then meet up.

 

As for Thailand others cam fill you in

[Dmaxdan]

1 hour ago, smutcakes said:

Good luck with it. Dont listen to all the negative responses you will get. Just take it slow and steady, dont transfer your life savings to her or more than you can afford to lose... go for it, you have nothing to lose, just take it slowly and be sensible.

 

There will always be an element of finance about this type of relationship so just be open and honest and if she is genuine hopefully she will be the same. It wont take long for red flag warnings if she is a scammer, and if she is just say thanks but no thanks and cut contact.

This is the only advice you need to listen to. Ignore everything else.

 

 

[GammaGlobulin]

TINDER Thai Girls are better than Pattaya Bar Girls, any day of the week.

 

Or, any hour you choose.

 

Just make sure your Tinder Girl has an advanced degree.

 

Do you speak passa Thai?

 

Why not?

 

You come to Thailand to go BOOM-BOOM?

 

 

[BritManToo]

2 hours ago, cavallerio said:

I guess I am just a little bit wary about being played. I'd be interested to hear from anybody who has been in a similar situation, any red flags to look out for, other advice, thoughts, etc? 

Enjoy the fantasy, don't send her money (or at least not more than the fantasy is worth).

It's OK to give her money when you're here visiting, but don't overpay, the going rate is around 40 pounds a go.

[fredwiggy]

Believed in what a Thai woman told me when we met here in Thailand. She was very pretty and charming, spoke a little English, had a 5 year old daughter and worked at a hotel laundry in Isaan. Came back after having a great month with her, and talking daily until I returned. vIsited again, returned home. Got married, traveled back and forth, honeymoon, pregnant with our daughter, waiting to sell my house in America. Started building house, red flags came on, but ignored mostly because miscommunication was the real problem. After house was built, small arguments over very little had her kidnap my daughter 4 times before I had to file for a divorce to make her return my daughter. In America she wouldn't have gotten past the first time and been jailed. Joint custody, although now she works in Pattaya and I have my daughter full time, until I can return with her to America. She had another daughter I didn't find about until after we were together. She gave her up at age 9 to ex's family, second at age 10 to another ex's family, got her back, now she's with first daughter and her husband while ex works in Pattaya. Grandma had second daughter for awhile also, just like 1/3 of the other children here in Thailand. This is to show you what can happen, not that it will, because there are some women here that are more sincere, although money is always in the front. They want a better life, and you can't blame them, because the local men are usually not responsible enough to stay with a woman, besides the farmers. My advice would be the same as a few before. Visit, get to know here for as long as you can before you commit to staying with her here and marrying.Rent, don't buy., a house or condo.  Helping her with money isn't a bad thing, as that's what the majority of farangs do that don't just buy their women. Her working (if true) is a good thing. Do her kids live with her, meaning do you see them most of the time while video chatting? Many live in Bangkok while their kids are back in Isaan with grandma, which is a red flag as to being a responsible mother. Her being 38 puts her in a league where she isn't wanted by many, and having 2 kids puts her out of the ballgame as far as locals are concerned, except to being used by them. That's why a farang is a better choice, more likely to stay after sex. Just like any other relationship, and I speak from experience, take your time!!

[Jimjim1]

No matter what anyone says here you will go to meet her, so go with an open mind but remember that some very pertinent points have already been made by others that you would do well to take on board and keep in mind, there is no reason to get yourself committed to a relationship immediately because it is so easy to meet a multitude of ladies other than bargirls and freelance, just take a look in Thaivisa.com and you will see what I mean.

Back to the lady you are talking about, ALL Thais think that foreigners are rich irrespective of whether you are or not and she has two children by a Thai guy who takes NO responsibility for the children he has made and does not support them so you will be expected to do that, Do you really want to do that?

She says she works for the government so her salary is between 15 to 18,000 baht per month which she manages to run her household so any BIG money you give her will take her out of her comfort zone and make her life difficult after you have moved on, Thais do not think about or like to save money they spend it immediately and usually more than you have given because they think you will pick up the bill.

Lastly if she directly asks you for money she considers you to be her ATM so look to the horizon .

Best wishes and enjoy your stay in Thailand

[save the frogs]

1 hour ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Run, run like the wind, run faster than the wind.

 

Your life will never be about you and her, it will always be about the 2 kids that are not yours. That's as it should be- a mother should put her kids first, but YOU don't need someone else's kids in your life.

 

I've been there, got the T shirt, and never never never again.

 

I wouldn't say never.

There are some advantages. As kids are grown up, you can see if they're good kids and worth investing time and money.

But you would have to treat them as your kids. And so what? Unless you don't have a nurturing bone in your body, it's a good project to take on. 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

2 hours ago, cavallerio said:

I'm 53, she's 38

 

2 hours ago, cavallerio said:

she's looking for a European partner, and dated a few European guys in the past, has a lot of friends married to European guys

 

2 hours ago, cavallerio said:

I understand that a big part of her attraction to me is financial, as she's wanting a good education for her kids

 

Probably she is in many ways better compared to what's available in the UK.

But think about the following:

Decent education for kids in Thailand is very expensive. If you want to do that then you will spend more money for the education than for you and her living together. Is that what you want? Do you know the kids? Do you expect that they will love you?

 

Why is she looking for an European partner online, and maybe someone who was never in Thailand? You write she has European friends, if she is desirable then I am sure a friend of the friends would be interested.

 

Her age compared to your age is good for UK relations. But in Thailand few guys are interested in old women. 

And maybe ask yourself, do you really want a 38 year old woman with kids? Or would you prefer a younger one without kids?

In Thailand you can easily find a younger one without kids.

So, imagine you marry her and then you come to Thailand and find out what you miss and what you could get (without much effort).

 

If you are serious, then come to Thailand and get used to it. Don't marry the first woman you see. Take your time. You will be amazed what you can get. And don't marry before you have a better idea about Thais and "the Thai mind". I suggest wait at least 2 or 3 years before you make any life changing decision. 

 

 

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

1 hour ago, thaibeachlovers said:

OP, copy this picture, enlarge it, print it, made a dozen copies and place them in your house so they are the first thing you see when waking and the last thing you see before sleeping, while eating  and in the toilet. Carry a small copy in your wallet and whenever you wonder about this take it out, look at it and get someone to slap you like that.

But then, when I met my one, I knew she is different. She is. ;) 

[OneMoreFarang]

47 minutes ago, Dmaxdan said:

This is the only advice you need to listen to. Ignore everything else.

Why is that?

Are all guys who meet a Thai woman online happy?

[Celsius]

If you are 53 you could meet many single Thai women in their late 30s WITHOUT KIDS. 

 

I am not raising some drunk Thai guy leftovers. 

[mokwit]

3 hours ago, cavallerio said:

she's wanting a good education for her kids

This is your function, to provide for this. She may well fulfill he half of the bargain, but this is the driver.

[Lacessit]

I don't know if it is already too late; however, do not disclose the state of your finances to her.

Test drive at the first opportunity. If she holds out for a commitment, walk away.

Bear in mind her family will take precedence over you, always.

If she starts talking cars and houses after a couple of close encounters, walk away.

At age 38, most Thais will regard her as past her prime. You are well and truly in her league, viewed through an Asian lens.

[mokwit]

As an aside, I must say Aseannow's marketing seems to be doing very well, there seem to be no end of new posters.................

[KhunLA]

That would be all fine & dandy if you were retiring within the next few months, but 5 years away from it, wouldn't work for me.  I've been in a long distance relationship, in country, USA, worked for an airlines, and it still sucked.   Basically a 2 week rotation at locations, and flew basically free.  Couldn't get any easier and still was hard.  How often can you realistic visit the next 5 years ?

 

I guess she'll be expecting 5 yrs of some sort of financial support, little extra for kids, especially if near Uni age.  If all goes tits up before you retired, you wasted a lot of time & money.

 

Do you really want to help raise another family after doing once already.  Limits your play funds, and time to enjoy your retirement.  Leaving one grind to another.

 

Lastly, since never been here, TH is not for everyone.  Weather might seem like a nice break from damn & cold, but it gets brutally hot & humid here, and wears on you at times.  Definitely not for everyone.

 

Half the country has horrendous air pollution 4-6 months a year, from Hua Hin and northward.

 

There's quite a lot to consider.

[Georgealbert]

1 hour ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Run, run like the wind, run faster than the wind.

 

Your life will never be about you and her, it will always be about the 2 kids that are not yours. That's as it should be- a mother should put her kids first, but YOU don't need someone else's kids in your life.

 

I've been there, got the T shirt, and never never never again.

It is not often i agree with you, but you are not far off with this comment.

 

Mixed culture relationships are always going to difficult, but starting from an online only relationship, could spell trouble.

 

Not all expat/thai relationships are bad, I know many successful and happy couples, but they took time to develop, not jumping in feet first.

[GinBoy2]

Really too many questions to give any practical advice.

 

The age difference isn't terrible, so that's a plus.

 

Is she looking to you as a way to get to the UK?

 

Kids. Well how old are they? Speak any English?

 

Little kids, well I've known a bunch of guys that have taken that on, and basically to all intents became their Dad

 

Teenagers, especially boys can be a minefield, especially if their is no common language

 

So go for your vacation, tread carefully but try to figure out at least the questions I would have, and don't just get overwhelmed by the situation, which for men can make us lose any common sense!

[gargamon]

22 minutes ago, mokwit said:

As an aside, I must say Aseannow's marketing seems to be doing very well, there seem to be no end of new posters.................

Or they're making more bots to generate new traffic/members. 

[NextG]

3 hours ago, cavallerio said:

Hi chaps.

 

Be grateful for your thoughts on my situation. I live in the UK, never visited Thailand. Met a Thai lady on Tinder. She's a single mom lives in Bangkok with two kids, works for a government ministry. Originally from Isaan. We've been video chatting for a three months now, and Ive booked a trip to Bangkok later this month to meet. I'm 53, she's 38... would be way out of my league in the UK. She speaks good English and is quite open that she's looking for a European partner, and dated a few European guys in the past, has a lot of friends married to European guys. 

 

She ticks a lot of boxes for me, she's smart hard-working and straightforward. I understand that a big part of her attraction to me is financial, as she's wanting a good education for her kids, and up to a point I'm okay with that. I'm probably about 5 years away from retirement here, and wouldn't be averse to moving somewhere warmer permanently. Got no real ties here, divorced and kids grown up.

 

I guess I am just a little bit wary about being played. I'd be interested to hear from anybody who has been in a similar situation, any red flags to look out for, other advice, thoughts, etc? 

TINDER?? Where’s that Batman & Robin meme?

That’s already the first ‘red flag’. That, to me, is like hoping to meet your Thai wife on central Pattaya’s beach promenade. 
But of course the ‘elephant in the room’ is that you are on TINDER too. Already dated European guys?? Come on…. are you really as desperate as it seems here?

 

[Elkski]

Sounds like a nice gal. 

 But why haven't you kept looking and been talking to 3.   Should have 2 lined up per week of stay.  Only tell 1st one  when your arriving and last one when your departure flight is. Test drive all the first hour after the motel door closes.  Why wait?   Most will help you get to bus, train or airport for your onward travels.    Just say you are going to check out Thailand on your first trip. 

I dated many with kids.  The kids never seemed interested in getting to know me.  Most could barely speak English or if so, like many Thai people they were just to insecure about their proficiency.  

 The best advice I got was from spider mike.  He says this often.  "Time is on your side."   The longer you spend to get to know them only has positive outcomes.   I also want to say that it's true that "there are 1000 more!" 

 

 

I don't agree that government employees only make 18k/ mo like one guy said.  I met teachers near retirement who made 65k and showed me the salary list and  the 10 top teachers made 55k +.    I talked to a receptionist for a interior design company that made 40k.  

Plan 

3 days each and you can always  bail on day 1 and go spend extra time with the best one.    Its cheap to fly and travel around Thailand. 

 

Depends on your preference but a 55 yr old fit  decent looking guy could easily have fun with many childless 30 yr olds.   They dont mind bald or a bit of a belly .  I had neither so that probably helped. At 30 they know they are considered past prime to any local man.  

And one last point. My belief is that there are many low milage gals at 30 in Thailand.    Many work to much to go bar hoping much.

Obviously your pick isnt low miles.    Make sure her kids only have one loser father as one would be bad enough. 

Edited January 3 by Elkski

[Barnet1900]

Save your money for a holiday here and experience it for yourself. Thai women looking to be taken care of is very normal for Thailand but doesn't make it right. There are plenty of others here that take care of themselves without asking for handouts.

 

People that start paying like this end up like they would in a casino. Never again, no more money...oh but maybe just one more throw and my luck will change. The more you give the more they want, usually the family get involved and golden goose appears.

 

These ladies are experts on getting money from all sorts of ventures, and losing it. It's not strictly a scam but a way of life learnt from people passing on stories of their own. Mostly all myths but they believe each other and try to copy suit. Foreign men = £££ 

 

If my dad was thinking about doing something as risky as this at his age I'd be doing everything I could into talking sense into him. How does your family think about it?

 

In a nutshell why on earth would any sane person send money to a person they'd never met before?

[Elkski]

He didn't day he sent money yet.   

Dated a few foreigners, that means 3+ to me.  

It sounds like its to late to cancel so  just enjoy her like they did.  Then plan for your real exploration trip at a later date. 

Did you say  she has said she hooe to find a man so her kids can get better than government schooling?   Ouch.  

[LogicThai]

I concur with much of what was said before. No obvious red flags yet, probably worth a test drive, but plenty more and better fish in that sea. At worst, that 38 years old lady can be a gateway to Thailand and Thai ways, especially for a newbie. But absolutely avoid any sort of commitment for now.

[Olmate]

And why the marriage talk.. WTF! 

[Prubangboy]

4 hours ago, cavallerio said:

would be way out of my league in the UK.

 

 

This attitude guarantees doom. There was a famous book called The Road To Serfdom. Your's is The Road to Simp-dom.

 

The guys here who ended up in happy Thai-deals all say the say the same thing: Don't buy the first banana you see at the market.

 

Get over here, check out all of the banana's. 95% of the misery tales here stem from disaterous banana one-itis.

 

 

[BigStar]

1 hour ago, Jimjim1 said:

Thais do not think about or like to save money they spend it immediately and usually more than you have given because they think you will pick up the bill.

 

And OP you can ignore this stereotype. Thais are individuals. As in any country, some manage their money well and some don't; nothing so far suggests she doesn't. And why shouldn't she look on a dating site for a partner? A government employee stuck in office won't find it easy to meet a new partner, esp. a foreigner. Most members here seemingly know only uneducated lower class Thais, and many of those women used to work in bars or massage parlors.

 

As said a few times already, just take it slow and easy, get to know the lady, the kids, the extended family before making any commitments--and also before hopping into the sack. Her playing the sex card early would be a warning sign. Keep your options open. Re: the kids, they could be wonderful and add a lot of meaning and purpose to your life. Or they could be horrors. :)

Edited January 3 by BigStar