PART 2 Thai Wife Being Bullied By Family

[Dexxter]

11 hours ago, Furioso said:

I would very simply say "I'm sorry I wish I had some money to give you but I don't".

I would be saying this BEFORE I gave them 50,000 sinsod and 24000 a year for granny. My Thai wife was saying we need to pay sinsod and I flat out refused. That was the end of it and the topic rarely came up again.

[Bday Prang]

11 hours ago, Neeranam said:

2,000 baht a month is not generous, esp from a farang.

Of course it isn't, and  that is not what I said or meant.  Which was that the family, in an attempt to gain face , may well have exaggerated the OP's wealth and the allowance paid   This sort of gossip travels round the village like a dose of covid, with the amounts often increasing further due to the inflationary effects of "chinese whispers"       Eventually the gossipers notice that the allegedly well subsidised family have done nothing to display (confirm )  their new found wealth and tongues start wagging again, leading to a possible loss of face

               I've seen that happen a few times    

[Dexxter]

11 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

These are wise words.

 

My only other comment/question is - OP is considering withdrawing his 2,000 Baht each month for Granny. There is no mention that Granny is demanding more, just other family members. Why should Granny suffer due to the greed of others?

 

You are assuming granny is getting the money and it's not being spent by the family for their own wants.

[BritManToo]

14 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

The short version is my wife and I decided to pay the grandma 2,000 baht a month, and if more money is ever asked for the payments stop. 

I agreed to pay grandma 3kbht/month on the condition the family farm was immediately handed over to my wife.

Shhhhhhhh ...... the rest of the family don't realise they have already lost the farm.

Grandma was happy to go along with it.

[Bday Prang]

9 hours ago, Yellowtail said:

Blood is thicker than water. 

That is indeed what people say   but in Thailand,  money is a damn sight thicker than blood, in case you haven't noticed

[SchuetzRob]

11 hours ago, Neeranam said:

2,000 baht a month is not generous, esp from a farang.

The Thai Government is looking for its senior citizens and provides a monthly payment to the elderly of thb 700. So the thb 2000 paid by OP seems to be fair enough.... 

[stoner]

36 minutes ago, Thingamabob said:

We should, however, hold our own when it comes to certain issues relating to our personal lives eg marriage, work and money.

 

well said. why is it only one side of values is ever talked about in regards to respect. 

[Bday Prang]

11 hours ago, Furioso said:

I would very simply say "I'm sorry I wish I had some money to give you but I don't". That will make them go away quickly

It absolutely will not, they might stop asking him, but if they believe there is money to be had , they will simply apply more pressure to his wife  if that's the kind of people they are

[Bday Prang]

11 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Why should Granny suffer due to the greed of others?

she should not, but even if he continues to pay, granny will inevitably suffer, as she will be put under pressure to subsidise the others

[brianthainess]

They are disrespecting you and your wife, if all they want is money, let them lose face and stop any further contact with her granny/toxic family and tell her why, block her number & don't answer the door. OR Let them organize the wedding party, but don't turn up. Go for a mini break away.

[BE88]

11 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

I’m in my mid-30. I’m not a retiree; I don’t have the kind of money those guys do due to their station in life. So from me, 2,000 baht a month is generous, especially since it’s 2,000 baht more than I give my sick parents. That’s a large part of the problem here: the family’s perception that just because I am a “farang” that I’m loaded. I’m not. The kind of sinsod someone with this attitude would ask for is something I could not afford (as written previously they’re already implying 50,000 baht would be a pittance so I’m assuming they would ask for at least double that). 

 

Yes, I understand that you don't have a lot of money to throw away but I understand that you are aware that you have a Thai wife and therefore everything goes together with the Thai culture which asks for a dowry at marriage.

And this is the reason that they have given their agreement to their daughter to marry you, and if you don't respect it your wife might change his mind about your marriage.

 

[fittobethaied]

It's time to walk away from a few people, and if you have to, take your wife and move away from them! It's just not worth all the grief and stress.

 

[Bday Prang]

12 hours ago, NickyLouie said:

What part of Issan is this in ?

If you think this only happens in Isaan you are very much mistaken.      If you think this always happens in Isaan you are also very much mistaken.

[Yellowtail]

I think it's sad the way all the pikers refuse to pay a sinsod.

 

And it's never the money, it's always the principle don't 'cha know! 

[Bday Prang]

2 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

I think it's sad the way all the pikers refuse to pay a sinsod.

 

And it's never the money, it's always the principle don't 'cha know! 

So come on then , how much money did you pay ,  and how much gold ?

[Bday Prang]

8 minutes ago, BE88 said:

 

Yes, I understand that you don't have a lot of money to throw away but I understand that you are aware that you have a Thai wife and therefore everything goes together with the Thai culture which asks for a dowry at marriage.

And this is the reason that they have given their agreement to their daughter to marry you, and if you don't respect it your wife might change his mind about your marriage.

 

He has already stated clearly that his future wife is not in favour of the dowry

[Kinok Farang]

I also had to pay my fat,ugly and stupid wife's family 50,000 bhat

[Bday Prang]

49 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

I agreed to pay grandma 3kbht/month on the condition the family farm was immediately handed over to my wife.

Shhhhhhhh ...... the rest of the family don't realise they have already lost the farm.

Grandma was happy to go along with it.

That's the way to do it,  nice move indeed.    Things might get a bit awkward when granny pops her clogs and the others discover what's happened, Probably best to avoid the funeral , or at least consider leaving before the serious drinking starts.

[Bday Prang]

8 minutes ago, Kinok Farang said:

I also had to pay my fat,ugly and stupid wife's family 50,000 bhat

Why did you buy a fat ugly and stupid  one?

[stoner]

5 minutes ago, Bday Prang said:

That's the way to do it,  nice move indeed.    Things might get a bit awkward when granny pops her clogs and the others discover what's happened, Probably best to avoid the funeral , or at least consider leaving before the serious drinking starts.

 

wouldn't want to experience some of that tight knit thai family love now would we. 

[novacova]

19 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

I think it's sad the way all the pikers refuse to pay a sinsod.

 

And it's never the money, it's always the principle don't 'cha know! 

Absolutely correct about the principle. I would never forfeit my principles to anyone for any reason, including my wife, is how I maintain self respect and the respect of others. If they don’t like it then fine, at least what is paramount persists.

[thefarangteacher]

1 hour ago, Expat68 said:

Just to say I feel really sorry for you and your wife. The Thai family is very strong, far stronger than from the West, I had the same problem but it pales into insignificant to what you both are going through, as they were never toxic 

Thank you. It really is driving my poor wife crazy. She doesn’t deserve this. 

[thefarangteacher]

2 minutes ago, novacova said:

Absolutely correct about the principle. I would never forfeit my principles to anyone for any reason, including my wife, is how I maintain self respect and the respect of others. If they don’t like it then fine, at least what is paramount persists.

My attitude 100%. That’s what makes it a principle. 

[Yellowtail]

2 minutes ago, novacova said:

Absolutely correct about the principle. I would never forfeit my principles to anyone for any reason, including my wife, is how I maintain self respect and the respect of others. If they don’t like it then fine, at least what is paramount persists.

But you would happily demand she forfeit her principles. 

 

What is the principle that is compromised by paying the parents sinsod? 

[Yellowtail]

3 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

My attitude 100%. That’s what makes it a principle. 

And hat is the principle that is compromised by paying the parents sinsod? 

 

the tt's my money, I earned it, and I'm keeping it principle? 

[thefarangteacher]

41 minutes ago, Bday Prang said:

It absolutely will not, they might stop asking him, but if they believe there is money to be had , they will simply apply more pressure to his wife  if that's the kind of people they are

Exactly the point I’m making to my wife. Toxic people are never satisfied no matter what you do. They’ll never stop demanding more. If we do pay the sinsod then it’ll be “oh the farang didn’t pay enough” or “wow he can afford such a large sinsod he should give larger monthly payments too.” People can say “it’s just Thai culture” all they want, but my feeling is they’re using culture as a bludgeon to extract as much money as possible from my poor wife. 

[thesetat]

12 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

Very true! Worth considering. 

Many Thai parents have a lack of understanding what exactly is sinsod. In reality it is a show of money that you are able to care for the woman financially. But in the North they consider it a payment for their child so they can keep the money. That sinsod should be going into a bank account under your wifes name or both your names. It is security that the woman can live if you choose to divorce her. https://www.thaiembassy.com/thailand/dowry-in-thailand#:~:text=“Sin Sod”%2C or Thai,expected in the Thai culture.

In my traditional Thai marriage, I showed almost 100,000 in cash and gold. Showed is the key word here. This sinsod was placed by the family under our bed because they just wanted to see that I was able to gather money to care for my wife if needed. The family had no interest to keep it. Showing the sinsod was only for the neighbors to see so the family would save face. In the North the Thai twisted it as a payment for their child. Which is not true. You could try telling the family you will show your ability to take care of their child but the family can not keep the sinsod because it is for your wifes security. This is culture in Thailand. The North because so many are poor think sinsod is about paying the family for their daughter same you would pay a mamasan for the bar girl to keep her long time haha..  If you do not want the family to see cash... Show a bank book page haha.. That would really burn them up to be so close to getting all that money and then only find a bank book showing it is inaccessible hmm. But in all reality, the family does lose face if there is nothing shown during the wedding. The hostility will never end unless you find a solution. It will make bigger problems for you with your woman in the future as well. Many foreigners are telling you to show strength. Stand up for yourself. They are correct that if you show weakness then the family will control you through your wife. Also, something to think about would be moving away only far enough that you do not need to deal with the family on a daily basis or their neighbors seeing you together. Just remember one thing. Although you have a good relationship with your wife to be. She is still going to keep her parents as #1. At best you will be # 3 or 4 in her life concerns. So you need to make sure your in-laws discontinue their harassment of her about this. If not then you will suffer the consequences in the future and lose her. 

[Bday Prang]

38 minutes ago, stoner said:

 

well said. why is it only one side of values is ever talked about in regards to respect. 

Probably because respect here only really works one way , respect is only shown to those considered "superior" in status which invariably means those with more money. with the theoretical exception of monks.    To be honest I have never known a people so adept at grovelling  when its considered appropriate.

Unfortunately our status, as foreigners, has already been cast in stone,  generally speaking , our perceived wealth can only buy us "token respect" at best.   

[thefarangteacher]

4 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

And hat is the principle that is compromised by paying the parents sinsod? 

 

the tt's my money, I earned it, and I'm keeping it principle? 

It’s the “we don’t live in the dark ages, my wife is not property that must be bought in exchange for money” principle. 

[peter zwart]

14 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

We can’t move for the time being due to work but my wife would come regardless. She doesn’t think moving away will necessarily solve the problem though. She just wants them to stop treating me and her disrespectfully like this. 

They probably wont. Even if you give them money. Its an ongoing proces and as you know by now money is the only thing they care about. How many people push their daughters to the big city to make money on their back. Mom and Dad just dont care as long the money comes in. Personaly, i Sjh.t on people like that but on the other side, can you blame them? They grow up with almost no education, no feelings (losing face nonsense) and old traditions. The question here is, are you going along with this old fashion behaviour or can you cut the ropes and go with the miss your own way? I would know what i should do and what i did.