GF or Wife

[habuspasha]

“In America that means we’re married,” I said.  She had just moved the ring I bought her to the fourth finger of her left hand.  “In Thailand too,” she responded.  That was seven years ago.  Every year since, we spend a few months together.  Then I return home to work and to care for my ailing wife.  This year I’ve retired and the Alzheimer’s has almost finished its damage.  Soon I will be able to get married again, this time in Thailand, for real.  I ask myself if we would be happier being married.  I ask you, so many of you who have had Thai GFs and wives, what you think. 

I’ve never had a positive view of the institution of marriage.   Even experienced it twice as a passion douser.  We’re too old to start a family at 40 and 80.   On the other hand, I want to live with her, and marriage might make it easier for us to travel back and forth between Thailand and New York maybe a few times a year.  Any thoughts?

[sirineou]

Married to my lovely Thai wife 12 years now and could not be happier, Well I could be happier, we do have our moments, , but I am happy enough.

The operative word is "commitment"  not only in relationships but in everything else . Half measures will only get you half way there IMO.  

[OneMoreFarang]

I am not married to my longtime gf and I don't plan to marry her.

Why? Because if I marry her and if it ever goes wrong than that will be very expensive for me.

So if I would marry I would virtually sign something like: If you leave me then you will get a lot of money.

Why should I sign something like that if there is no long term advantage of marring?

We all know that lots of relations fail. And we all know that most of the time that is expensive for the husband.

 

I think if a guy leaves his long time gf because he wants to and she didn't really do something wrong then he should support her for a while.

But if she wants to leave him then the reason should not be: Now I get a lot of money.

If you are not married then you don't have to worry about that.

 

The times when people had to marry to be able to live together are over. You don't have to!

My 2 cents: Marry only if you have a good legal reason to do that. And think about the future - and possible alternative versions of the they lived happily ever after future.

[Guest Isaanlife]

5 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I am not married to my longtime gf and I don't plan to marry her.

Why? Because if I marry her and if it ever goes wrong than that will be very expensive for me.

So if I would marry I would virtually sign something like: If you leave me then you will get a lot of money.

Why should I sign something like that if there is no long term advantage of marring?

We all know that lots of relations fail. And we all know that most of the time that is expensive for the husband.

 

I think if a guy leaves his long time gf because he wants to and she didn't really do something wrong then he should support her for a while.

But if she wants to leave him then the reason should not be: Now I get a lot of money.

If you are not married then you don't have to worry about that.

 

The times when people had to marry to be able to live together are over. You don't have to!

My 2 cents: Marry only if you have a good legal reason to do that. And think about the future - and possible alternative versions of the they lived happily ever after future.

Never understand men that cannot trust their own relationship and commit 100%?

 

Selfish men worrying about their little money and not giving the GF the satisfaction or pride of being a married woman.

 

Getting married and having a huge wedding (500+) in Thailand was the highlight of my wife's life and mine too.

 

I would never ever worry about money over her happiness. Not going to happen.

 

 

[sirineou]

20 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I am not married to my longtime gf and I don't plan to marry her.

Why? Because if I marry her and if it ever goes wrong than that will be very expensive for me.

So if I would marry I would virtually sign something like: If you leave me then you will get a lot of money.

Why should I sign something like that if there is no long term advantage of marring?

We all know that lots of relations fail. And we all know that most of the time that is expensive for the husband.

 

I think if a guy leaves his long time gf because he wants to and she didn't really do something wrong then he should support her for a while.

But if she wants to leave him then the reason should not be: Now I get a lot of money.

If you are not married then you don't have to worry about that.

 

The times when people had to marry to be able to live together are over. You don't have to!

My 2 cents: Marry only if you have a good legal reason to do that. And think about the future - and possible alternative versions of the they lived happily ever after future.

That is wrong in so many levels I don't know where to start. What   I read is  a lot of "me" and very little of us. if your rationalization of your situation. 

From previous posts I know you are a pretty bright guy, so i am sure you could figure out on your own the dangers involved with in such attitude. 

[1FinickyOne]

I have never been a fan of institutions myself and marriage societally seemed no incentive to keep a commitment...

 

My Thai wife of over 20 years now and I had a village wedding, which seemed fine in her book. We had a party in the village, I paid a small sin sod to the family and as it was told to me, she was now able to hold her head high as a married lady. 

 

We visited USA a few times but have no need to go there now. So, that is not an issue... We concentrated efforts on building a family compound here and being part of her huge wonderful family... so, we have no signed papers and don't live in an institution and everything has been fine...

 

I think with your age difference, your wife might be concerned with financial security. We have gradually bought farm land and put money in my wife's bank account and I have a Will in both Thai and English, so that should be a consideration as well...

 

Good luck to you both. 

 

 

[steven100]

1 hour ago, habuspasha said:

We’re too old to start a family at 40 and 80

so you're 80,  don't rush into marriage now will ya    '   

[RichardColeman]

1 hour ago, habuspasha said:

We’re too old to start a family at 40 and 80.

Say that but I know an Irishman in Pattaya pushing 80 trying to become a dad again. - that said, chances of him being around for any kids 21st birthday are pretty remote !

 

 

 

[habuspasha]

23 minutes ago, steven100 said:

so you're 80,  don't rush into marriage now will ya    '   

I assume this is supposed to be funny rather than helpful.  I can't help it that I'm 80, nor that I haven't been able to marry my GF for the 7 years I've known her. I didn't rush into marriage the first time in my 20s or the second time in my 50s.  In fact, both times I stalled as long as I could.  And it worked out fine.  

[HighPriority]

I’m concerned about the age difference, I really think you should consider someone more appropriate.

Maybe her sister has a daughter…?

[OneMoreFarang]

1 hour ago, sirineou said:

That is wrong in so many levels I don't know where to start. What   I read is  a lot of "me" and very little of us. if your rationalization of your situation. 

From previous posts I know you are a pretty bright guy, so i am sure you could figure out on your own the dangers involved with in such attitude. 

We are happy together, since many years. And I take care of her. I also know her family. But I don't like village life and I spend very little time up country.

 

About us and me. I think too many people pretend there is only an us and if there is an us there can't be a me anymore. Wrong! We don't stop to be individuals when we have a partner. And we as individuals develop over time. We all change. And maybe we change in the same direction or maybe we change in different directions. The idea "till death do us part" was invented when people died early. Now the chance that we will stay together forever is not so high anymore, even if we try.

 

And about "i am sure you could figure out on your own the dangers involved with in such attitude": Sorry, I have no idea what you mean. She and her family don't give me any trouble about not being married. What danger?

[RJRS1301]

1 hour ago, RichardColeman said:

Say that but I know an Irishman in Pattaya pushing 80 trying to become a dad again. - that said, chances of him being around for any kids 21st birthday are pretty remote !

 

 

 

or even their 15th

[Fat is a type of crazy]

I was 40. She was 22. Got married and divorced 6 year later. Got a prenup with Australian lawyers in thai and english and it really made the divorce easy. She got nothing but Australian residency, a good business she started, and we are friends. 

I guess you have to think about what you want your financial situation to be if you separate or if you leave stuff in a will. 

I would decide what you are happy for her to have, what you want others to have such as other kids, and give copies of the will and prenup to trusted people.  

In terms of travel between countries it depends if you will just use tourist visas or if you are willing to make her a US resident. Not sure about their rules. Just use tourist visas if that'll be enough. Making my ex an Australian resident was a long drawn out process and could be a bit much to bother with at 80. 

I didn't want to get married and I haven't married my current girlfriend. I look after her and have told her I have no plans to get married. She'd prefer marriage but I think she's happy. If you don't what marriage then don't marry. You'll make her happier if you are happy. If you don't really mind then give her the marriage that may mean a lot to her and her family. 

 

 

 

[itsari]

2 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I am not married to my longtime gf and I don't plan to marry her.

Why? Because if I marry her and if it ever goes wrong than that will be very expensive for me.

So if I would marry I would virtually sign something like: If you leave me then you will get a lot of money.

Why should I sign something like that if there is no long term advantage of marring?

We all know that lots of relations fail. And we all know that most of the time that is expensive for the husband.

 

I think if a guy leaves his long time gf because he wants to and she didn't really do something wrong then he should support her for a while.

But if she wants to leave him then the reason should not be: Now I get a lot of money.

If you are not married then you don't have to worry about that.

 

The times when people had to marry to be able to live together are over. You don't have to!

My 2 cents: Marry only if you have a good legal reason to do that. And think about the future - and possible alternative versions of the they lived happily ever after future.

A lot of logic in what you say on marriage . 

What if you were to die ? What would your long term girlfriend have to sustain her present standard of living ?

[itsari]

2 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I am not married to my longtime gf and I don't plan to marry her.

Why? Because if I marry her and if it ever goes wrong than that will be very expensive for me.

So if I would marry I would virtually sign something like: If you leave me then you will get a lot of money.

Why should I sign something like that if there is no long term advantage of marring?

We all know that lots of relations fail. And we all know that most of the time that is expensive for the husband.

 

I think if a guy leaves his long time gf because he wants to and she didn't really do something wrong then he should support her for a while.

But if she wants to leave him then the reason should not be: Now I get a lot of money.

If you are not married then you don't have to worry about that.

 

The times when people had to marry to be able to live together are over. You don't have to!

My 2 cents: Marry only if you have a good legal reason to do that. And think about the future - and possible alternative versions of the they lived happily ever after future.

A lot of logic in what you say on marriage . 

What if you were to die ? What would your long term girlfriend have to sustain her present standard of living ?

I also point out that a long term girlfriend as you put it has a legal claim to your assets equal to if you were married .

[RJRS1301]

13 minutes ago, itsari said:

A lot of logic in what you say on marriage . 

What if you were to die ? What would your long term girlfriend have to sustain her present standard of living ?

I also point out that a long term girlfriend as you put it has a legal claim to your assets equal to if you were married .

Marriage in Thailand

Couples wanting to formalize their relationship in Thailand must enter into a civil marriage. Thai law does not recognize same sex marriages, common law or 'de facto' marriages or Buddhist marriages. Only when the marriage is officially registered and entered into the marriage register a marriage is created.

https://www.samuiforsale.com/knowledge/thailand-family-laws.html

 

[OneMoreFarang]

22 minutes ago, itsari said:

A lot of logic in what you say on marriage . 

What if you were to die ? What would your long term girlfriend have to sustain her present standard of living ?

She would get enough to live happily ever after.

I am pretty sure she would change her standard of living. Now we live in Bangkok, without me I am pretty sure she would live up country.

[OneMoreFarang]

3 minutes ago, RJRS1301 said:

Marriage in Thailand

Couples wanting to formalize their relationship in Thailand must enter into a civil marriage. Thai law does not recognize same sex marriages, common law or 'de facto' marriages or Buddhist marriages. Only when the marriage is officially registered and entered into the marriage register a marriage is created.

https://www.samuiforsale.com/knowledge/thailand-family-laws.html

I heard of a case of a farang and his Thai "wife" who had a Buddhist ceremony but they were not officially married. At some stage they separated and she wanted money for her divorce. And it seem she got the money. Why? Because she produced pictures of the Buddhist marriage ceremony and that was apparently enough to prove that she was married.

I heard that story years ago from a reliable source. Is it true? I can't be sure. Is it a risk? Sure it is.

[JayClay]

4 hours ago, habuspasha said:

I’ve never had a positive view of the institution of marriage

Yet you've been married twice before and are already planning to marry again as soon as it's legally possible...

[sirineou]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

We are happy together, since many years. And I take care of her. I also know her family. But I don't like village life and I spend very little time up country.

I don't  personally know you two , and hesitate to make definitive judgments, I can only talk in general terms.

From my conversations with you on this forum, I find you to be a nice guy , and as such I don' t doubt that you are happy together, But I suspect that you are a bit happier than she is.

 I suspect that you are getting all you want out of the relationship, and she is not, (if indeed she wants to get married) 

I suspect she would be happier if you were married. and as such the economics of the relationship do not balance. 

I don't see why you would need to live up country to be married , but shat is something you two would need to work out together, 

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

About us and me. I think too many people pretend there is only an us and if there is an us there can't be a me anymore. Wrong! We don't stop to be individuals when we have a partner.

I am sure there are may "us" but there is only one where two people commit to each other. 

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

The idea "till death do us part" was invented when people died early. Now the chance that we will stay together forever is not so high anymore, even if we try.

I hope you realize that the above statement is the antithesis if commitment 

 I don't think it is an invention , as it has occurred independently among different cultures with no contact with each other, I think it is a social  construct that evolved because it has  social survival value to it. 

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

about "i am sure you could figure out on your own the dangers involved with in such attitude": Sorry, I have no idea what you mean.

The dangers are those of living a compromise life for the benefit of expedience .

You dont get all that you need so that "if it ever goes wrong than that will be very expensive for me. " and she dont get all that she needs , if indeed she wants to be married and have a traditional marriage. 

In the final analysis,  In any investment the return is directly proportional to the risk  

[mudcat]

Prior to our U.S. wedding (using a fiancée visa to the U.S.) we signed a pre-nuptial in Thailand.  Because of the difference in our ages (42 and 64 respectively) and assets I needed to think long-term about my responsibilities to my wife would be should our marriage end in divorce without putting my ability to re-start my single life in jeopardy.  Among other things the pre-nuptial did was lay out my wife’s claim to my assets upon a Thai divorce like a vesting schedule for a pension entitlement.  We are now at nine-years and counting until our tenth anniversary on November 1^st which coincidently is also her ‘entitlement’ date for lifetime U.S. Social Security spouse and survivors benefits. 

 

Today, the pre-nuptial settlement would provide enough assets to live on until she can collect Social Security, at which time she will receive between one and three Thai teacher’s salary every month for the rest of her life.  This has worked out well for us – once we got past a few years there was increasing security corresponding to the length of commitment to each other.

 

Legalese

The Intended Wife will be entitled to a percentage of the after-tax cash value of the Intended Husband's net worth upon dissolution of the marriage via an uncontested divorce and the parties' having been married and living together for a minimum of two years. If the parties' have been married and living together more than two years but less than five years the intended Wife will be entitled to 5% of the after tax cash value of the Intended Husbands net worth. Thereafter the Intended Wife wil-1 be entitled to an increasing percentage of the net worth of the Intended Husband upon dissolution of marriage via an uncontested divorce based on an increase of 3% per year for each year for each year the parties' together.

 

Tabular Translation

 

Years                          Percent                       Years              Percent

0 to 1                          0%                              11 to 12          23%

1 to 2                          0%                              12 to 13          26%

2 to 3                          5%                              13 to 14          29%

3 to 4                          5%                              14 to 15          32%

4 to 5                          5%                              15 to 16          35%

5 to 6                          5%                              16 to 17          38%

6 to 7                          8%                              17 to 18          41%

7 to 8                          11%                            18 to 19          44%

8 to 9                          14%                            19 to 20          47%

9 to 10                        17%                            20 to 21          50%

10 to 11                      20%                            >20                 50%

…..

[Hummin]

The only reason I will marry my gf, is because we want family reunion in Eu. I will give her the Budda wedding soon, just to honor her, and her mom and dad. But first we will pass the magic and tragic 7 years curse. 

 

 

[mvdf]

4 hours ago, habuspasha said:

the Alzheimer’s has almost finished its damage.  Soon I will be able to get married again, this time in Thailand, for real.

Unparalleled savagery.

 

[Hummin]

6 minutes ago, sirineou said:

I don't  personally know you two , and hesitate to make definitive judgments, I can only talk in general terms.

From my conversations with you on this forum, I find you to be a nice guy , and as such I don' t doubt that you are happy together, But I suspect that you are a bit happier than she is.

 I suspect that you are getting all you want out of the relationship, and she is not, (if indeed she wants to get married) 

I suspect she would be happier if you were married. and as such the economics of the relationship do not balance. 

I don't see why you would need to live up country to be married , but shat is something you two would need to work out together, 

I am sure there are may "us" but there is only one where two people commit to each other. 

I hope you realize that the above statement is the antithesis if commitment 

 I don't think it is an invention , as it has occurred independently among different cultures with no contact with each other, I think it is a social  construct that evolved because it has  social survival value to it. 

The dangers are those of living a compromise life for the benefit of expedience .

You dont get all that you need so that "if it ever goes wrong than that will be very expensive for me. " and she dont get all that she needs , if indeed she wants to be married and have a traditional marriage. 

In the final analysis,  In any investment the return is directly proportional to the risk  

Aint we all trying to get most out of our relationships? Therefor always keep enough carrots to come to make sure they are staying happy, and do not get everything they want and need at once. That is just common sense. 

 

But, there should be some kind of balance that remind both parths they have something to loose if deleted happens from one side or both sides. 

 

Therefor I was happy to build a small farm, and now I feel we both are more equal. She still young enough to find a new man if she wants, and not a hostage because of me, and I can do whatever I want and she have to control her self. Balance is a good thing. 

[lopburi3]

5 hours ago, habuspasha said:

and marriage might make it easier for us to travel back and forth between Thailand and New York maybe a few times a year.

Likely not to be the case as Thai married to American will be suspect for not returning to Thailand and as you have no tie to Thailand other than her visit will appear to be a shortcut to stay without the normal immigrant visa process..  Non immigrant visa (tourist) likely not to be approved.

[KhunLA]

Keep as GF, as can be as you state, 'passion douser'.  Simply apply for the tourist visa, and she'll be good for 10 yrs.  If that doesn't then can get the 'fiance' visa, and go from there, marriage really wanting.

[OneMoreFarang]

1 hour ago, sirineou said:

I don't  personally know you two , and hesitate to make definitive judgments, I can only talk in general terms.

From my conversations with you on this forum, I find you to be a nice guy , and as such I don' t doubt that you are happy together, But I suspect that you are a bit happier than she is.

 I suspect that you are getting all you want out of the relationship, and she is not, (if indeed she wants to get married) 

I suspect she would be happier if you were married. and as such the economics of the relationship do not balance. 

I don't see why you would need to live up country to be married , but shat is something you two would need to work out together, 

I am sure there are may "us" but there is only one where two people commit to each other. 

I hope you realize that the above statement is the antithesis if commitment 

 I don't think it is an invention , as it has occurred independently among different cultures with no contact with each other, I think it is a social  construct that evolved because it has  social survival value to it. 

The dangers are those of living a compromise life for the benefit of expedience .

You dont get all that you need so that "if it ever goes wrong than that will be very expensive for me. " and she dont get all that she needs , if indeed she wants to be married and have a traditional marriage. 

In the final analysis,  In any investment the return is directly proportional to the risk  

Thanks for your long answer/comment.

 

I am sure if I would marry my gf that would make her happy - for about a month or maybe a year. But then all would be exactly like before. With one huge difference: If we would separate then I would be the one who has to pay. And "has to pay" means I would be legally required to do that. And that is something I am not willing to do if there is no big upside to that. Too many guys lost lots of money because of their divorce. That is reality. Why take the risk?

 

Coming back to the happiness of being married: It seems when people marry they have a big (expensive) party and all is perfect - or at least they want to look as if it is perfect. And then they go on honeymoon and then they settle down and then? Is there any real difference between married couples and couples who live long time together and are not married? At least in my personal experience I don't think I know any couple (here or back home) who are constantly happier because they married. 

But I know a couple of unhappy guys who discovered and found out how expensive divorce can be.

Marriage is a legal contract, not more and not less. If I sign any legal contract I think if it makes sense or if there is a huge risk/downside compared to a small upside.

 

[bkk6060]

All these married guys "kinda happy".

Jeez, I would never get married here too many falling into the purgatory trap. If she is demanding way too easy to find another gf probably younger and cuter.

[habuspasha]

1 hour ago, mvdf said:

Unparalleled savagery.

 

The disease is an unparalleled savagery.  I lose her in pieces. It breaks my  heart, continually again and again.  I am extremely fortunate in being able to keep her at home with excellent care.

[Hummin]

I see marriage for practical reasons as well honor your love of your life. But if you only have a gf for enjoyment, comfort and servant reasons, then I understand why not marry.

 

My self have said, if you still here after 10 years I marry you. Half way now ????