PART 2 Thai Wife Being Bullied By Family

[thefarangteacher]

1 hour ago, Scouse123 said:

@thefarangteacher

 

Hi,

 

I previously had a good business and my other half assisted my in Pattaya and worked hard for me in the business. We sent home, way back when, 5,000 baht a month to the mother for over 22 years.

 

She comes from eight siblings and the mother now is widowed.

 

We never married. I didn't want it, and she didn't care about it. I didn't want children, I have two grown up sons in the UK who are hard-working and decent jobs.

 

We sold the businesses and built a compound of three houses and a store in Kalasin as I had ill health.

 

When everything was set up and completed, we had the usual suspects and spongers over for the opening of the house etc.

 

At this point, I wish to make clear, the brothers and one sister have never contributed one baht. I, in fact, educated the two daughters of the sister, from kindergarten to finishing high school and one is at university now in Khonkaen, and I never one word of thanks, so be it.

 

The eldest daughter ignores her mother, even though she lives 60 metres up the road, and hasn't spoken to her in years.

 

Once we moved here permanently, a good few years ago now, (I have told members this before), we were inundated with people attempting to borrow money although unemployed. Then there were people constantly trying to sell land they had already mortgaged, to the bank or lenders, and every other scam you can imagine.

 

I'll bring in now, the lazy drug addicted brother. He's now in his 40s and still lives with the mother and his fat good for nothing lazy girlfriend (whose actual husband is in prison). Neither work.

 

The 5,000 a month was always being handed over to the Yaa Baa addict by the mother. He's the youngest. The mother then came, asking for more.

 

I offered to employ the son on the land. I said he could do painting, garden work etc. He refused. I now employ outsiders to paint, cut the trees and grass etc.

 

He wants to sit in his room all day, talking to friends, drinking, disappears to the fields for obvious reasons, (it isn't to look after the rice)

 

There were various excuses for asking money, rice planting, etc I pointed out I had built her a house, she had 9 children in total, and it was their duty to help. She was their mother, not mine. I got the old 'look of despair, whilst looking away from me '.

 

I told her sometimes when I visit the UK, my youngest son falls asleep at the table after completing fourteen-hour shifts on rotation. Her son doesn't do fourteen minutes work!

 

I got the usual blank stare from her.

 

The mother only crosses the driveway to our house when she is sick or skint. She never comes to say thank you for anything.

 

I stopped the 5,000 baht after 22 years. The mother went racing to the village for sympathy. She got it from a few quarters.

 

However, a number of them stated she had waltzed around the village doing nothing for 20 odd years, whilst they had been up out of bed daily, selling rice, fruit, BBQ etc to make ends meet.

 

They pointed out that she had a nice house and a spoilt son, who had hands, eyes, and feet but wouldn't work.

 

Case closed buddy. If you give in, you are viewed as weak or a fool and on a slippery slope.

 

They will be disrespectful to your lady, it's bullying to get what they want from you and to make her feel she isn't trying hard enough for them.

Thank you for the comment. Bullying is a good word to describe what they’re doing to my wife. Nobody else in the family is subjected to this bull<deleted>. One particular aunt, the ringleader of the bullying faction, has always had it out for my wife, and will seize on whatever she can to impugn my wife in the eyes of the family and the village. Now it’s sinsod, last year it was not paying grandma, the year before it was “the farang will leave you any day now and you’ll be poor,” the year before that it was “why are you visiting the village, you chose the farang,” etc. If I paid the sinsod (which I’m not going to do), it’ll be something else before too long. You can never make toxic people happy. I’ve tried to make this clear in other comments that this is not about “Thai culture” or “assimilating” or my “refusing to accept Thai cultural practices”; all of those are just excuses used as a weapon to make my wife miserable. 

[Neeranam]

1 minute ago, thefarangteacher said:

Thank you for the comment. Bullying is a good word to describe what they’re doing to my wife. Nobody else in the family is subjected to this bull<deleted>. One particular aunt, the ringleader of the bullying faction, has always had it out for my wife, and will seize on whatever she can to impugn my wife in the eyes of the family and the village. Now it’s sinsod, last year it was not paying grandma, the year before it was “the farang will leave you any day now and you’ll be poor,” the year before that it was “why are you visiting the village, you chose the farang,” etc. If I paid the sinsod (which I’m not going to do), it’ll be something else before too long. You can never make toxic people happy. I’ve tried to make this clear in other comments that this is not about “Thai culture” or “assimilating” or my “refusing to accept Thai cultural practices”; all of those are just excuses used as a weapon to make my wife miserable. 

Where are you from? 

[Bday Prang]

16 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

I feel no need to mix with the locals no matter where I live. Why should that make me miserable or lonely?

As I said , each to their own , but personally I feel happier with a bit of interaction, there aren't many westerners living within walking distance of me, and  I couldn't be very happy with only the mrs to talk to, day in day out.   I quite enjoy having a few beers with some of the locals 

[Nick Carter icp]

7 minutes ago, Bday Prang said:

Are you a southerner?  we have a special way of interacting with them.

 

   Using Stanley razor  blades to slash them ?

What a lovely bunch of people Scousers are 

[stoner]

1 hour ago, Neeranam said:

You keep mentioning a question, what question?

one posed to you originally from another poster. then i also re wrote the question in one of my previous replies. scroll back up and find it. it's literally right in front of your face. 

 

 

 

 

[Neeranam]

Once upon a time in the quaint Scottish village of Drumnadrochit, Ahmed, a Saudi gentleman with a penchant for adventure, found himself head over heels for Fiona, a bonnie Scottish farming lass. Despite their cultural differences, they decided to tie the knot, creating a whirlwind of excitement in the peaceful town.

At first, Ahmed's attempts to integrate into the local community were met with amusement. Sporting a kilt and trying his hand at traditional ceilidh dancing, he often ended up tangled in a sea of plaid, much to the villagers' entertainment. However, when it came to embracing the cherished custom of haggis-eating contests at the annual Highland Games, Ahmed drew the line.

"Spicy lamb biryani is more to my taste," he declared with a twinkle in his eye, bypassing the Scottish delicacy for a meal of his own choice.

The villagers, known for their humor, initially shrugged off Ahmed's eccentricities. Yet, as time passed, his refusal to partake in beloved local traditions began to wear thin on the close-knit community. When Ahmed opted for his daily cup of Arabic coffee over the customary Scottish morning tea, the teapot rebellion began.

Gossip spread like wildfire, and soon, the villagers found Ahmed's antics more puzzling than amusing. They started avoiding him at gatherings, and his once-inviting presence became as rare as sunshine in the Highlands. The locals, a tight-knit group with an affinity for camaraderie, couldn't quite comprehend Ahmed's reluctance to fully embrace their way of life.

In the end, Ahmed found himself living a solitary existence, surrounded by the echoes of bagpipes and the baa-ing of distant sheep. The village that once welcomed him with open arms now cast him aside, leaving him with no friends, no respect, and a longing for the warmth of community that he had unintentionally pushed away.

And so, in Drumnadrochit, Ahmed's story became a cautionary tale: if you find yourself amidst the rolling hills of Scotland, it's best not to scoff at haggis or turn down a dance at the ceilidh, for in the end, the heart of a community beats strongest when all its members dance to the same tune – even if it's accompanied by an occasional bagpipe out of tune.

[Neeranam]

Just now, stoner said:

one posed to you originally from another poster. then i also re wrote the question in one of my previous replies. scroll back up and find it. it's literally right in front of your face. 

 

 

 

 

Who asked me a question?

[stoner]

Just now, Neeranam said:

Who asked me a question?

 

ok. 

[SAFETY FIRST]

1 hour ago, keith101 said:

 a virgin never married and no children

A virgin, with no children. 

 

I don't believe. 

 

[Rimmer]

A general slur and replies has been removed

[Colki]

Concerning the payment of B2,000 to gran. On the assumption that gran had more than one child and your partner is not the only grandchild but she (you both) is giving B2,000 then gran must be living a very good life assuming there are other daughters, sons, grandchildren who have left school if all contributing a minimum of B2,000.

 

The vicious aunt, daughter or inlaw? What is her contribution to her mother or mil.

[GarryP]

2 hours ago, Neeranam said:

OK, I see what you meant, sorry.

Some others think 2,000 baht a month is generous.

My wife gives her mum and dad 1,000 Baht a month, as do her three sisters. I give nothing.

[GarryP]

2 hours ago, Neeranam said:

Regarding the Thai help allowance(not pension), it depends how old gran is, it's 1000 baht if over 90. This is not given to all over 60.

Thai pensions depend on work history.

 

I say tradition as it has been going on for many years.

Before the wedding, the families of the bride and groom negotiate the sinsod amount. This negotiation involves discussions about the groom's financial ability to fulfill this tradition. The groom, or sometimes his family, presents the agreed-upon sinsod amount to the bride's family during the wedding ceremony. This payment is a symbol of respect and gratitude to the bride's parents for raising and caring for her.

Married twice and sinsod was never mentioned either time. The parents just wanted us to be happy together and, no, the families were not well off.  For my latest marriage 6 years ago, I paid Baht 20k to cover the reception at the mother-in-law's house, nothing more.    

[Neeranam]

6 minutes ago, GarryP said:

My wife gives her mum and dad 1,000 Baht a month, as do her three sisters. I give nothing.

My wife gives some also, but doesn't tell me how much and I am probably better not knowing. 

A year ago, my FIL died and my MIL law gave us 10 rai of land. This might not have happened if I hadn't paid Sinsod.

[kingstonkid]

18 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

We can’t move for the time being due to work but my wife would come regardless. She doesn’t think moving away will necessarily solve the problem though. She just wants them to stop treating me and her disrespectfully like this. 

Mine solved this problem because we don't live near her family they don't know about me or the fact that she owns a house in Rangsit

[riclag]

I never heard about me paying a Sidsod . But I did buy a house with land. Perhaps this is considered payment of Sidsod!

Stick to your guns Op! Its your money!

You are supplying your wife /GF with Madam status!

[BE88]

5 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

Exactement le point que je fais à ma femme. Les personnes toxiques ne sont jamais satisfaites, peu importe ce que vous faites. Ils ne cesseront jamais d'exiger plus. Si nous payons le sinsod, alors ce sera « Oh le farang n'a pas assez payé » ou « wow il peut se permettre un si grand sins, il devrait aussi donner des paiements mensuels plus importants ». Les gens peuvent dire « c'est juste la culture thai » tout ce qu'ils veulent, mais j'ai le sentiment qu'ils utilisent la culture comme une matraque pour extraire autant d'argent que possible de ma pauvre femme.

 

I think you still haven't realized that you live in Thailand, this is your problem from the beginning

 

[Scouse123]

1 hour ago, Nick Carter icp said:

 

   Using Stanley razor  blades to slash them ?

What a lovely bunch of people Scousers are 

 

 

Yawn.....

[Scouse123]

2 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

Thank you for the comment. Bullying is a good word to describe what they’re doing to my wife. Nobody else in the family is subjected to this bull<deleted>. One particular aunt, the ringleader of the bullying faction, has always had it out for my wife, and will seize on whatever she can to impugn my wife in the eyes of the family and the village. Now it’s sinsod, last year it was not paying grandma, the year before it was “the farang will leave you any day now and you’ll be poor,” the year before that it was “why are you visiting the village, you chose the farang,” etc. If I paid the sinsod (which I’m not going to do), it’ll be something else before too long. You can never make toxic people happy. I’ve tried to make this clear in other comments that this is not about “Thai culture” or “assimilating” or my “refusing to accept Thai cultural practices”; all of those are just excuses used as a weapon to make my wife miserable. 

 

 

Yes,

 

It's bullying and wearing down tactics.

 

My other half of 27 years had the same threat, “the farang will leave you any day now” with the addition of, “then don't think we will be there for you”.

 

Newsflash, they Are NEVER there for you up here in this village, they simply move on to the next piece of mischief.

 

I am regularly in Cambodia and Vietnam, as well as the rest of Thailand. I never see the level of idleness in these other countries and areas of Thailand, like I see up here.

 

Isaarn seems to be a rule unto itself in terms of bone idleness by many culprits.

 

I see the same suspects motorbikes outside different peoples houses daily, and they don't work, they just flit house to house spreading rumours and gossip.

 

They also always have a story that can't be proven about Jane Doe getting 20 million or 50 million from this or that Farang.

 

I have said before on this site, when they see a car, a motorbike, or a new phone, the question is never' That's beautiful, where did you get it'  it is ALWAYS' How much did it cost '

[Lacessit]

5 hours ago, Bangkok Barry said:

 

Strange how their religion demands that someone or someone should suffer, isn't it. But I suppose it's the same in those countries where assisted dying is illegal, although how much religious beliefs play in that I'm not sure. Probably deep down it does.

If you look at any state or country which has legislated voluntary euthanasia, you will find the fiercest opposition came from the religious entities.

[xtrnuno41]

Know about a Thai woman, who did  a lot for her mom and sister.

Always never enough, so at one point the Thai woman had enough. Leaving the place where she lived, moved far away, didnt tell anyone and also not anymore responding on phone calls. The end.+

You do what you want to do and if its not enough, leave or just stick to your point. 

However your wife is in the middle, so support her mentally and totally. All isnt easy, but stick with your agreement made with wife for the 2000 baht support for grandma.

Lots of people cant appreciate, help you give. Fact of life.

[novacova]

7 hours ago, Yellowtail said:

But you would happily demand she forfeit her principles. 

 

What is the principle that is compromised by paying the parents sinsod? 

I never impose my will on anyone. No negotiation ensued therefore no principles or expectations were compromised. The matter was resolved in a few short minutes. I said no, wife said “okay I go aunt home tell I elope you” she returned a few minutes later and said “no sinsod aunt ok” 

 

The compromise was her not eloping. It’s a forgotten matter.

[Joedoebarinio]

20 hours ago, Neeranam said:

2,000 baht a month is not generous, esp from a farang.

The more they get the more they WANT. They think that the farang ATM is a bottomless pit. Leave town ASAP. If you tell them you are going, that should get them sulking. Sulking is good. 

[novacova]

8 minutes ago, xtrnuno41 said:

Know about a Thai woman, who did  a lot for her mom and sister.

Always never enough, so at one point the Thai woman had enough. Leaving the place where she lived, moved far away, didnt tell anyone and also not anymore responding on phone calls. The end.

I have a friend who was in the same situation, family constantly nagging for money, her drunk brother and his lazy wife carelessly in debt. She finally got sick of it took her kid and younger sister and left, she doesn’t speak to them anymore.

[Dan O]

You have a couple things happening  here. Number one the relatives wouldn't know what the parents are receiving  unless they were talking, which all thai families do. The parents are not helping and may be I directly encouraging all the bs

 

The extended family is often jealous of your wife if you are having a better lifestyle than them on one hand and the other hand probably aren't doing anything themselves to support the parents but by talking trash it deflects from them. The opposite can also happen they can be annoyed your not doing more so they can do less. 

Gossip is very rampant in thailand and everyone I. The family has their idea of what others should do. 

 

I would have the wife ask the complainers what help they are providing and check their excuses.   Bottom line it will probably always bother your wife but she knows the truth of what your doing for her and that's the most important thing. Its hard when your living with or in super close proximity

 

 

[DudleySquat]

20 hours ago, Neeranam said:

You are in Thailand, do as the Thais do. The Sinsod is just for show and should be returned after the wedding. If they refuse, it is a bessing in disguies -  they didn't stick to the rules, so stop the 2,000 a month to grannie.

For show eh? Nonsense. 

 

The money will disappear and some reason will be given and what will you do about it? 

 

NOTHING. 

 

Bad decisions. 

[DudleySquat]

9 minutes ago, Dan O said:

The extended family is often jealous of your wife if you are having a better lifestyle than them on one hand and the other hand probably aren't doing anything themselves to support the parents but by talking trash it deflects from them. The opposite can also happen they can be annoyed your not doing more so they can do less. 

Gossip is very rampant in thailand and everyone I. The family has their idea of what others should do. 

 

Lying is prevalent. Cheating with each other is also prevalent. And being happy for their daughter finding a better life is something to honor, not be petulant <deleted> seething with jealousy. 

[DudleySquat]

9 hours ago, Neeranam said:

huh?

 

Don't be coy. I challenged your "when in Rome" statement with female circumcision as an example of Rome.  Where is your response? You ignored me and I won't have it. 

[thefarangteacher]

42 minutes ago, Dan O said:

You have a couple things happening  here. Number one the relatives wouldn't know what the parents are receiving  unless they were talking, which all thai families do. The parents are not helping and may be I directly encouraging all the bs

 

The extended family is often jealous of your wife if you are having a better lifestyle than them on one hand and the other hand probably aren't doing anything themselves to support the parents but by talking trash it deflects from them. The opposite can also happen they can be annoyed your not doing more so they can do less. 

Gossip is very rampant in thailand and everyone I. The family has their idea of what others should do. 

 

I would have the wife ask the complainers what help they are providing and check their excuses.   Bottom line it will probably always bother your wife but she knows the truth of what your doing for her and that's the most important thing. Its hard when your living with or in super close proximity

 

 

Great comment and thank you, that’s very helpful. 

[kennypowers]

They have your wife's emotions at ransom. They will constantly emotionally blackmail her with reports of neighbors gossiping, her cultural disrespect to her family, not fulfilling her daughter duties, etc. They can't bear the thought that their expectations of their daughter having a "farang" partner have not come to fruition; not the cash cow they expected.

 

They can't get past their selfishness and narcissism to simply be happy that their daughter has found real love and happiness. They aren't mature enough to acknowledge that they have had their lives, that they are responsible for their lives: their happiness, choices and opportunities – not your wife. They use all the excuses in the world to avoid taking personal accountability.

 

They would rather your wife be stressed, depressed and struggling financially so that they can tell the village how much money their daughter sends home, and show off all the goods they bought with the money – goods that they didn't in any way earn. They would rather she loses you and ends up alone. This type of Thai parent is sadly all too common. So many daughters' lives are plagued with this sense of duty that destroys their happiness. 

 

Sadly your wife will continue to suffer the trauma of family enmeshment, unless she is able to develop a very thick skin. Cutting them off completely is not really an option, since this will eat your wife from the inside out. The best way to manage these people is to treat them as they are, like children. Don't get into arguments or entertain any of the emotional immaturity. They love the drama, and feed off it. Don't get dragged down to their level.

 

Any attention is good attention; just like a child. Establish clear boundaries. Be direct and truthful, calmly and politely. Pull them up when they are misbehaving, and let them know the potential consequences.  In essence, take full control. As children, they will naturally begin to gravitate towards and obey an adult who provides fair, consistent discipline. Let them know full well that village gossip and losing face are of no concern to you, as you are above such a childish mentality. Your wife must tell them that she has her own family now, and her priority is to nurture that family. Moreover, that her husband is in control of the family finances and who he gives money to is at his discretion. 

 

Sin sod is common and still very much part of the marriage tradition. But take the lead as I have described. Remember, it must also be agreed by your parents, not just hers. Will it be just for show? Will it be returned? Will it be kept? If so, spent on what? And yes, you can state that since you are sending money home, adhering to a "so-called part of the culture", where Sin Sod is concerned, you will be taking the Western approach and not entertaining this custom. A fair compromise. 

 

Good luck to you both. 

 

 

Edited January 4 by kennypowers