Just braved a few days with the Mrs family

[Nino3]

2 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Poorer village upbringing though and the poorer they are the more entitled they seem to be in my experience. 

I completely agree. My wife's family, falls into this category and it seems they believe they walk on water. Well, at least when interacting with me.

[Chris.B]

6 hours ago, KannikaP said:

Mine is the same. Yesterday Mrs & daughter went out and bought 4kg of pork for a BBQ because there were 10 people involved! Plus loads of salad stuff and a 500Bht bucket of KFC for the kids. I asked if there was enough food! It all got consumed.

Offered a bottle of (home made ) wine which was accepted. Visiting members of the family made a point of saying bye bye this morning, especially the ones who had done a LFTest before coming.. Am I lucky or what?

Finger licking good!! ????

[RichardColeman]

My wife's family (mother, father, and sisters and daughters) all live in Nan whilst we live in Pattaya - so I guess about an excellent 400 miles away.

 

Mother and father never visit and I do not go there - just as well as her father basically threatened to shoot me as he daughter married a farang - only as he was ashamed his daughter would not go back to the hi-so wife beating, drunken, smoker and adulterer she was married to before.

 

The sisters and the daughters come stay and even though they cannot speak any English, we get along fine. (though nearly grabbing my sister in laws bottom thinking it was my wife was a close call that may have changed things).

 

I sit with the younger male relations that visit and watch tv or the footie, and the continually look after me with free beer and top ups ! None speak English, but everybody is friendly, we even all go fishing.

 

Our family certainly is given more in beer and food than we ever pay out. They arrive with crates of beer, whiskey, half a pig, sea food and somtom that i make them eat outside ! 

 

So, for me visits are fine and I think it good the wife see her family, I just don't visit them.

 

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

2 hours ago, rattlesnake said:

The solution to this problem is to learn Thai. I used to feel like that a long time ago but for the past few years, I can spend time with my wife's parents, uncles etc., drink with my brother-in-law and his mates at the village and actually enjoy myself, because I speak Thai. The moment you will master the language, every frustration you have mentioned in your post will disappear.

Really?

My Thai is good enough to have a basic conversation. But apart from hallo and how are you it seems we all don't know what to talk about. And somehow I can't imagine things would improve while getting drunk.

[cdemundo]

Wide range of manners from in-laws in my home country as well.

Some gracious and accepting, some envious and rude.

I am going by my past in-laws and the in-laws of my 4 sisters and my brother.

My brother is very successful and has a nice summer home on a lake.

I don't like to visit any more because his in-laws are always there acting like my brother's family are intruders there.  Don't really understand it. His FIL and MIL are great, but his wife's brothers and sisters are unfriendly and snobbish.

 

Other in-laws families are nice enough, some nicer than others.

So it's luck of the draw as other posts here seem to indicate.

Edited January 2, 2022 by cdemundo

[tonray]

I get off easy, a couple of lunches with GF and her Mom per year, usually New Year's Day and Mom's Birthday. Grandmom died last month up in Issan so the one issue (why you have never met my Grandmother ?) is over and done with (with dirt floor housing, no heated showers and toilets in the outhouse ...can anyone wonder why I never wanted to visit ?) (mind you...all of Grandmom's kids are driving 1 million baht plus cars or trucks...but Granny can't have heated showers or indoor plumbing....don't start me)..

 

Anyway...GF's mom is a happy sort, never any issues...runs her own small restaurant in Bangkok...never much trouble from family.

[EVENKEEL]

I feel for the expats living in Issan next to your lady's family. You followed her to her village instead of you choosing the area in which you wanted. You dumped a bunch of money into land and home and feel like you need to stay. I'm sure many really do enjoy the rural life in Issan and I'm sure more regret their choices. I've been there and done that in Issan. I'm glad that I was still working and making good money and could afford to move my family far away and start over in an area of my choosing.  

 

Now I gladly buy airfare for my family to visit Issan a few times a year. Money well spent.

[Henryford]

I never enjoyed trips to the family, thankfully not often. I think i must have become invisible when i entered their house or maybe turned into a piece of furniture. Totally ignored. I know language is a problem but hard to believe anyone doesn't know how to say hello and acknowledge your presence. The only compensation was they have many dogs, and i got a great welcome from them.

[473geo]

We have siblings working away visit mama across the road, they all sit in the communal meeting point under our mango trees 

Most of the time they were tidying up the house and surroundings of mama, brother in law without any suggestion from me fitted a camera in the truck. 

Family are good people, I fully accept until I have conversational Thai communication is awkward for them, and me, so don't expect a great deal of contact. 

For a few days we have people doing things that allow them to feel they are a valuable part of the whole, don't mind it is important for them, also they would get really bored as everybody based at home has their daily tasks and everyday life continues.

I get the impression most of them would be back to stay given the opportunity which no doubt makes those family that are here doing ok, feel good too ????

 

[robblok]

8 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Yeah I gotta say I hear these stories and think huh. I know or have known at least 30 farang guys in my time here and none seem to have wonderful relationships with either their wife or families. As a matter of fact mine far from perfect but one of the better ones I have known about. These family aren't money grubbers like some I have met, nor that expectant to be honest. Maybe ambivalent? or in my culture unappreciative but maybe that's a lack of understanding or something on my part. Maybe it's shyness on their part? But I have travelled a lot of the world and a lot of the stuff here gets passed off as culture doesn't seem to occur ad nauseum elsewhere. My missus is an accountant by the way, not a bar girl. Poorer village upbringing though and the poorer they are the more entitled they seem to be in my experience. I have quite a few educated middle / upper class Thai friends in Bangkok / Chiang Mai and they are a completely different kettle of fish. Very kind thoughtful people who wouldn't dream of asking for a loan etc. true friends where you can just spend time with them for the pleasure of their company. From what I gather a woman of that class wouldn't generally want to be with a foreigner, particularly an older one. I genuinely don't think they see having a farang as an upgrade or a step up, in fact I believe its the opposite...for whatever reason. Some will accept the downgrade to farang if there is wealth and bragging rights involved. I have lived with a wonderful Thai extended family, where they all really did pitch in and play a part but it is the only one I have seen. I have had relationships with bar girls, Govt workers, teachers, nurses....a doctor.....and to be honest there are pros and cons for both. Usually in my experience the ones that have positions have bigger debts and therefore higher monetary expectations. And usually why they are targeting foreigners. A lot easier to converse with and a lot more balanced in their temperament though. I have always made an effort to get involved, try to get to know people and sometimes it works other times it doesn't. Usually when family visits now I am welcoming and willing to take them here and there but I do realize as foreigners we are never going to be Thai, or think like a Thai or even close to it. I leave them to it. Most of the time they seem to want to do nothing more than play with their phones, eat or take selfies anyway and that's fine by me. I let em have at it.  

To be honest I have had good interactions with Thai family of the two girls i was seriously involved with. Not with my first wife so i seen both sides. 

 

For a large part it depends on the class of people they are and education. Then a lot depends on your wife and yourself. After seeing the disaster the first time i made some changes plus the other girls being better and spoke more English it just worked.

 

The paying thing is a grave you dig yourself if you don't set boundaries. Also again depends on the relation you have if its build on money then of course the family will expect their cut. The i make the most so i can pay attitude does not change that. Now I would not moan about paying for a meal like that once in a while as that seems perfectly fine and not something i would even care about. If its a regular thing that is different story. A lot depends on the wife how well she shields you and involves you. I would be most <deleted> off by the not being involved / acknowledged. But that again is of your own making because of limited Thai and a family with a low education background (quite normal not that strange so can't blame people) at least i can hold small talk in Thai enough to joke and have fun. No deep conversations of course)

 

Look middle class BKK woman been with them you can't have the age gaps you have with poorer girls. Its a fact of life but one that many will never acknowledge. Those girls and families have options why go with a farang unless you really like them. I had a time with a girl who was highly educated and middle class at least brother a vet in training she worked at a big company. I never had to pay stuff was included in family stuff too i still get invited. Social background and money makes lot of difference.

 

Like i said a lot of your own making, you chose your wife im sure she has many good sides but she comes with baggage its a full package and there is no perfection anywhere. Now im with a Singaporean girl makes money then me her company pays for the house we live in in Thong lor. Gone was my power of being the better once financially made me a bit unsure at first. But at least she does not stay with me for money. But it does mean the relation works different, less power to the guy more equal. Plus she is really bright id say close to or above me. So again not something i come across a lot. Makes for a totally different relationship, one that i had some trouble adapting too at first. 

 

Sure the Thai woman i was with i never gave a salary and they were independent. However I did have a car and paid more for the house and stuff like that so i certainly had more power. Their English levels were good but with this woman my English is inferior. As i said there is no perfection just find something you can live with and be happy.

 

If your wife is great and this happens once in a while, then i see no problems. If your milked for cash like what my first wife tried. Then yes there is a big problem.

[CrunchWrapSupreme]

11 hours ago, KannikaP said:

Yesterday Mrs & daughter went out and bought 4kg of pork for a BBQ because there were 10 people involved!

For me here in the moo ban, 6 people. Hit up the Makro, got 3 kilos of shrimp, 900 baht, 2 kilos of pork, 200 baht. Case of Tiger tall cans, 500 baht. ???? The in-laws happily do the cooking once they see the food arrive.

[CrunchWrapSupreme]

2 hours ago, cdemundo said:

in-laws in my home country as well.

Some gracious and accepting, some envious and rude.

Haha, don't miss that about the home country at all either. Awkward holiday meetups. You feel the tension in the air from the obvious indifferences, those who are doing well and those who aren't. Then the alcohol/drug probs. As much as we like to point the finger at such folks in Thailand, it's really just as bad if not worse in the States. Fortunately we finally cut it off with some, and haven't seen/heard from them in about a decade.

[Gecko123]

From what I've seen, there's not a ton of conversation during meal times even with just Thais present. After eating, the guys break off into a group to shoot the breeze, maybe with after dinner drinking. After cleaning up, the women form a second group, chatting among themselves, waiting on the guys, maybe doing a little light drinking themselves.

 

The other guy was his wife's brother. If he came from a rural background, he probably had little to no experience interacting with foreigners, and even if there wasn't a language barrier, the usual topics of conversation for rural guys runs to tractor repair, price of corn, crop yields, weather reports, insect infestations, local gossip, cock fighting, etc. Some Thai guy's are extremely reserved and quiet no matter who's in the room. The brother's wife probably couldn't go overboard trying to make conversation with Kenny out of concern that she was flirting with another man in front of her husband, or trying to steal her sister-in-law's husband.

 

Unless the OP has some dietary restrictions, preparing and eating his own meals separately from the house guests sounds like a serious faux pas to me. I think a lot of Thais would be privately offended by that. OP needs to work on his Thai. In the meantime, encourage the wife to play translator and conversation starter/hostess role. At the very least, OP could play court jester by constantly asking house guests to teach him Thai words for at-hand objects.

 

 

 

Edited January 3, 2022 by Gecko123

[BritManToo]

12 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Mind you muggins pays for it all of course.

They can't speak English at all and don't understand my attempts at Thai (no ones fault really). I am the chauffer as well running everyone around, keeping them entertained.

Her relatives, I ignore them, they ignore me.

But I don't drive them around or buy them anything.

Back in the UK I used to drive the previous lot around and pretend they were friends, total waste of my time. Come the divorce they all hated me and all I previously did for them was instantly forgotten.

 

The Thai way is better IMHO, much more honest.

Edited January 3, 2022 by BritManToo

[CrunchWrapSupreme]

1 hour ago, EVENKEEL said:

I feel for the expats living in Issan next to your lady's family. You followed her to her village instead of you choosing the area in which you wanted. You dumped a bunch of money

Heh, I solved that prob by being a poor teacher hah. They know my salary and that's it. No fat pension or savings to raid. Then I'm financing a car, which they need since they no longer had one, so they know they can't ask for much more.

 

Having the Issan option was a godsend for me. Fortunately the in-laws are great. Wife and I had to get out of BKK. Could no longer stand the traffic jams and 2 hr commutes each day. And most of all, the disgustingly arrogant BKK private schools. The world would be a much better place with most of those admins and hi-so students/parents blasted out into space.

[BritManToo]

7 hours ago, rattlesnake said:

The solution to this problem is to learn Thai. I used to feel like that a long time ago but for the past few years, I can spend time with my wife's parents, uncles etc., drink with my brother-in-law and his mates at the village and actually enjoy myself, because I speak Thai. The moment you will master the language, every frustration you have mentioned in your post will disappear.

My rellies don't speak Thai (in normal conversation), the ones in Nan speak Lanna, the ones in Lomsak speak Laos.

Mother speaks some odd village language almost no other Thais understand.

Why would I want to learn a language they don't speak with each other?

[OneMoreFarang]

3 hours ago, tonray said:

Grandmom died last month up in Issan so the one issue (why you have never met my Grandmother ?) is over and done with (with dirt floor housing, no heated showers and toilets in the outhouse ...can anyone wonder why I never wanted to visit ?)

Maybe grandma was smart and preferred to live without lots of visits from other people. Like: Let's keep this toilet and I don't have to worry about intruders. ???? 

[fondue zoo]

I get drunk with uncle, have a great time... the younger members get me to help with English homework which is a laugh...  then we all get yelled at by auntie and go to the pool.

Fun ????

[Nojohndoe]

15 hours ago, 1FinickyOne said:

It is not part of the culture - like shaking hands - they just don't do it... just like you don't say 'zipidee doo dah' at the appropriate time. 

 

The thank you is assumed, especially amongst family. 

To a degree. It can be of two ways in my experience. Either a quite formal and deliberate "thank you" from newer or less familiar visitors or just a wai with smiles from frequent visitors . Outside of reasonable expectations of polite hospitality I have never succumbed to the status of being assumed involuntary benefactor.

If that inhibits visitation to our household it is no problem .

[toofarnorth]

4 hours ago, Henryford said:

I never enjoyed trips to the family, thankfully not often. I think i must have become invisible when i entered their house or maybe turned into a piece of furniture. Totally ignored. I know language is a problem but hard to believe anyone doesn't know how to say hello and acknowledge your presence. The only compensation was they have many dogs, and i got a great welcome from them.

Very much the same from me. It must be over a year since visiting the wife's family in Tha Wang Pha which is on the road in to Nan. I know she hasn't seen them in a while so a long chat is on the cards.

I am giving a small table with a Chang on it , a plastic chair to sit on then told her sister will make me a curry later. After the curry I sit and wait.  Once , last visit maybe I saw a glow worm across the road and befriended that. After looking at the different paint schemes on the wall I need to get back to the hotel.  I suppose the hot springs next day help , but the evenings , pah !

[JimHuaHin]

Sorry to reply, but I have read and heard it all before over the decades.

 

Best solution - go on a holiday or check-into a hotel by yourself, and pray that all your belongings are still there once the relies have departed.

 

You are a farang, thus you are rich, thus you are used as an ATM.

[Brick Top]

I must say your post as amused me and also made me feel a lot better as I thought it was only me who was treated in exactly the same way as you described.

 

[dlclark97]

19 hours ago, ThaIrish Sean said:

I don't have the same problem. My Thai family try to learn a little bit of English just as I try to learn a little bit of Thai.

I do pay for meals if we go out and I buy the whiskey but I always get a thank you and a wai.....not a why ????

The same for me.  I have a great Thai family, am well accepted and treated.  I do joyfully pay the very few times we go out to eat but more often than not, mom tries to slip me a little under the table that I of course refuse.  Yes, the language is a slight problem but we seem to make the best of it.  Grandad in his late 80's and very forgetful continues to try his Thai on me but to no avail.  Just bought the step daughter a new Honda City hatchback and mom wanted to contribute 200K that I also refused. 

[Expat68]

19 hours ago, Isaanlife said:

I learned enough Isaan to converse with my wife's rather large family.

 

I joyfully pay for everything because I know they can't and they are my family now too.

 

Get along great, that is what a real family is suppose to do.

 

Lots of support, feel very safe and enjoy the large get together's.

 

Very close because I see them everyday.

 

Wouldn't have it any other way.

Same here, if I see them out and about, they always make a point of coming up to say hello

[TroyC]

I feel just as close to my Thai family as my UK one. Been together with my gf for 4 years, she's been to stay with me in the UK for a couple of 6 month visits, and I've been back and forth to Thailand many times, luckily just got back here before Xmas and the TP problems.

Have stayed with her parents and brother many times and they are the kindest caring people I know. All hard working, don't touch alcohol, go out of their way to make me feel welcome, never ask for money. They also make a point of never inviting other family members to their house whilst I'm staying, as they've told me some brothers and uncles are not good people. I can just feel the good energy and love around this close family and I feel blessed to be part of it.

When I do help out with shopping or maybe some gasoline for her brother the genuine gratitude they show me is so touching. Such a refreshing change from all the selfish, cynicism that the UK seems to perpetuate. 

[ThaiFelix]

16 hours ago, talahtnut said:

A bunch of Thais, friends or family, hopitable, noisy, and hilarious,

they're all nutters, love 'em.

Yeah have to agree with you.  I have felt like the OP has but the last few years things have done an about turn for some reason.  The last 2 New Years we have celebrated at the in-laws next door and its been an absolute blast.  This year the old man was treating me like a best mate and tho I understand little Isaan just as he understands no English, we got drunk and joked with each other the whole 3 days.  I think that understanding has to be made on both sides, which takes time plus I also think they are now becoming aware that all farangs are not all filthy rich.  I think the whole time there cost me 2 bottles of whiskey and a few smokes.  Everybody was very welcoming and the perfect hosts.  A couple of the older family friends now shake my hand whenever we meet as though trying to be extra friendly.  I was most impressed but as I say it wasnt always like this.

[chilly07]

Covid is an excellent excuse to avoid the outlaws. Wife visits without me anyway as I have to stay in a hotel when we both go-bit pointless really. Family gatherings for weddings and funerals are usually 3 day affairs and I can't spend 3 days at the Temple. BILs always trying to get me drunk on lao kow and when they are there is always a fight just before they flake out!

[Golden Triangle]

17 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Yeah I gotta say I hear these stories and think huh. I know or have known at least 30 farang guys in my time here and none seem to have wonderful relationships with either their wife or families. As a matter of fact mine far from perfect but one of the better ones I have known about. These family aren't money grubbers like some I have met, nor that expectant to be honest. Maybe ambivalent? or in my culture unappreciative but maybe that's a lack of understanding or something on my part. Maybe it's shyness on their part? But I have travelled a lot of the world and a lot of the stuff here gets passed off as culture doesn't seem to occur ad nauseum elsewhere. My missus is an accountant by the way, not a bar girl. Poorer village upbringing though and the poorer they are the more entitled they seem to be in my experience. I have quite a few educated middle / upper class Thai friends in Bangkok / Chiang Mai and they are a completely different kettle of fish. Very kind thoughtful people who wouldn't dream of asking for a loan etc. true friends where you can just spend time with them for the pleasure of their company. From what I gather a woman of that class wouldn't generally want to be with a foreigner, particularly an older one. I genuinely don't think they see having a farang as an upgrade or a step up, in fact I believe its the opposite...for whatever reason. Some will accept the downgrade to farang if there is wealth and bragging rights involved. I have lived with a wonderful Thai extended family, where they all really did pitch in and play a part but it is the only one I have seen. I have had relationships with bar girls, Govt workers, teachers, nurses....a doctor.....and to be honest there are pros and cons for both. Usually in my experience the ones that have positions have bigger debts and therefore higher monetary expectations. And usually why they are targeting foreigners. A lot easier to converse with and a lot more balanced in their temperament though. I have always made an effort to get involved, try to get to know people and sometimes it works other times it doesn't. Usually when family visits now I am welcoming and willing to take them here and there but I do realize as foreigners we are never going to be Thai, or think like a Thai or even close to it. I leave them to it. Most of the time they seem to want to do nothing more than play with their phones, eat or take selfies anyway and that's fine by me. I let em have at it.  

Paragraphs would have made that so much easier to read. Sorry

[Will B Good]

Guess I am fortunate.

 

Wife's family, with one exception, her step father, who is no more than a little cool towards me, are incredibly friendly.

 

None of them speak a word of English and I can't speak a word of Thai, but it doesn't stop them talking to me endlessly, sitting with me and even holding my hand and hugging me???? This is after 15 years of visits.....oh and by the way I have never been asked for or have ever offered a single satang.

[flossie35]

Just a thought; when your in-laws leave do you get a Wai? That may be a thank you.