Wife's brother-in-law set fire to our land

[nerjaron]

My wife and I are having a house built on our land at Nonsung (near Korat). Ever since the foundations were laid my wife's sister and her husband (both 70's) have been regular (almost daily) visitors to our building plot where they frequently interrogate the builders and act as if they own the place.  I have often complained to my wife that I don't like this behaviour and it's our house not theirs, but my wife says it's normal Thai behaviour and I shouldn't worry.

 

Today we have returned from the city to find that a 20m section of our makeshift wooden fence and a large amount of straw have been completely destroyed by fire. The sister was at a house nearby and said that her husband had set a fire on our land but it got out of control and he couldn't stop it.  The fence was quite dense and almost impenetrable to keep out the cows from next door. 

 

I was furious and told my wife that I didn't want her BIL anywhere near our building plot, but she became upset with me and said she couldn't say that to her relatives. I modified the statement and said that I didn't want him on our land unless I was present, but this still didn't sit well with my wife and she said that she would only go so far as to tell him that he "shouldn't do anything on our land". 

 

Does anyone have any constructive advice on how to keep this guy away from our property without causing an international incident? I am well aware of the folly of building near the wife's relatives but this has been her lifelong dream, but I am sick to death of these people interfering with our build, and now also our land in our absence. I am also aware that I can't own land here but I do own the house jointly with my wife. Thanks in advance.

[OneMoreFarang]

Three options:

Get used to it.

Sell it.

Continue to have headache.

 

I know that is not what you like to hear. But I would be very surprised if there is another option.

Some things are just impossible in Thailand.

Sorry for no better news. I know why I have a condominium in Bangkok far away from "the family". 

[n00dle]

There is very little you can do short of attending to your build full time.

  

[BritManToo]

17 minutes ago, nerjaron said:

Does anyone have any constructive advice on how to keep this guy away from our property without causing an international incident? I am well aware of the folly of building near the wife's relatives but this has been her lifelong dream, but I am sick to death of these people interfering with our build, and now also our land in our absence. I am also aware that I can't own land here but I do own the house jointly with my wife. Thanks in advance.

Go alone to Pattaya for a week or twos holiday.

No funding for the misses and home while you're away.

 

Just the threat of that removed my MiL from our family home.

Money Vs parents/siblings = money wins every time.

Edited March 20, 2023 by BritManToo

[Mac Mickmanus]

Go and tell the guy yourself .

Stop using your Wife as a middle man and go and speak to the BiL yourself , take your wife along to interpret if necessary 

[Fat is a type of crazy]

I would use this as an opportunity. He's clearly done wrong so politely discuss it with him, let him know you accept it is an accident, but please stay off the land unless you and your wife are there. You need to stand up in a situation like this even if you cause a bit of a ruckus in the short term. 

[watchcat]

21 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Three options:

Get used to it.

Sell it.

Continue to have headache.

Divorce.

[n00dle]

13 minutes ago, Mac Mickmanus said:

Go and tell the guy yourself .

Stop using your Wife as a middle man and go and speak to the BiL yourself , take your wife along to interpret if necessary 

Do not bring the wife as a translator, it is highly unlikely she will translate accurately.

[userabcd]

Call everyone together and talk politely and directly with them. Use a third party to translate if you want. Ask them why, what happened and explain your rules and that they will agree.

Edited March 20, 2023 by userabcd

[Woof999]

A reasonable solution requires both parties to be reasonable. It already looks like your in-laws can't be reasonable.

 

If the BIL cannot accept that he is no longer permitted onto your (wife's) property without you being there, even after he's caused damage, then to hell with him. The ground rules need to be made crystal clear and upheld right now or it will only get worse.

 

Imagine what he'll be like once it's built. Perhaps he already has his eyes on one of the bedrooms.

[LomSak27]

19 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

 

Just the threat of that removed my MiL from our family home.

Money Vs parents/siblings = money wins every time.

A brutal, savage, some would say, heartless approach to the problem. Others say, you now have your answer. Thailand is a 'tough love' kind of place. Might as well put the cards on the table, come what may. If it all goes bad, easier to walk away right now than later. As always our hopes and prayers are with you.    

BTW They're in their seventies. In good health, spry? Lot of times oldsters can have accidents, unfortunate but they do occur. Hopefully it doesn't but just saying. 

[OneMoreFarang]

I think it's funny that many comments here assume it is possible to do this with logic and reason.

What gives you that strange idea?

 

IMHO there are some things in Thailand that just are, no question of why or why not or whatever. It's like trying to argue with the sun that it should be up for an hour or two longer. It won't work. And everybody involved will think something like: What stupid idea is that. TiT

[markclover]

Sell the land to a homeless guy for 10 baht then leave the country for a while.

[riclag]

36 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Go alone to Pattaya for a week or twos holiday.

No funding for the misses and home while you're away.

 

Just the threat of that removed my MiL from our family home.

Money Vs parents/siblings = money wins every time.

For falang respect especially when it comes to their funding ! This suggesting to go alone to Pattaya has worked for me in the past!

Good idea!

[Sheryl]

28 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Three options:

Get used to it.

Sell it.

Continue to have headache.

 

I know that is not what you like to hear. But I would be very surprised if there is another option.

Some things are just impossible in Thailand.

Sorry for no better news. I know why I have a condominium in Bangkok far away from "the family". 

I am afraid this is pretty much correct unless you are in position to stay up there fulltime until building is complete, and speak fluent Thai. 

 

You should also consider that he meant well  and that, even with the fire, things are probably better with his oversight than they wouod be without it. 

 

One really, really cannot leave builders in Thailand unsupervised.  Not without major adverse consequences anyhow. Many of which you will discover only after moving in, as the negative effect of all the substitions in material (cheap instead of whatever had been  agreed on to increase their profit msmargin) and shortcuts they took make themselves felt over time. Ceililing collapses, electrical fires, roof leaks,  plumbing w9es among many other things thst just looking at the house won't tell you in advance. Thai builders  are expert at making things look good on the surface while being uttetly shoddy beneath it.  Absolutely guaranteed to occur unless there is a strong hand overseeing things constantly.

 

I speak ftom bitter experience here. 

 

All Thais know this. Your wife knows this  and her family does too, and they are trying to protect the investment (for her/their sake, not yours, but it serves your interest as well as the last thing you want is to have to constantly shell out money later  for avoidable repairs).

 

You also need to consider future family relations and consequences of antagonizing your inlaws when you will be living near them. Esoecially when, from  from their point of view (and also likely your wife's)  they have done you a big favor.

 

As for the fire -- at this time of year it easily happens. I have done it myself. A sudden unexpected upturn 9f wind and a small controlled fire easily goes 9ut of vontrol. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

[HampiK]

41 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Go alone to Pattaya for a week or twos holiday.

No funding for the misses and home while you're away.

 

Just the threat of that removed my MiL from our family home.

Money Vs parents/siblings = money wins every time.

 

2 minutes ago, riclag said:

For falang respect especially when it comes to their funding ! This suggesting to go alone to Pattaya has worked for me in the past!

Good idea!

 

This will not work. Maybe even backfire. 

 

I would first try to understand what exactly happened! why Brother-in-law start the fire in the first place?

 

 

[Gecko123]

The BIL's behavior is in no way normal Thai behavior, and his and his wife's acting like they own the place, with your wife's acquiescence is actually alarming, and suggests to me that something is going on behind the scenes where the extended family might be thinking the OP might not be in the picture much after the house gets built. Unless the OP is exaggerating the BIL's sense of entitlement, something is seriously wrong with the picture. 

 

My suggestion would be to politely tell the BIL not to come onto the property unless you are present while construction is on-going. Don't forget the power of the purse-string: you can threaten to halt, or actually halt construction until this is resolved. 

 

I'm warning the OP straight up: there is something seriously wrong with the in-law's entitled attitude and something even more seriously wrong with the wife's deference to her extended family. I strongly suspect that the family paradigm vis-a-vis the OP is seriously out of wack and OP needs to get to the bottom of this before proceeding any further. My advice is to slam on the brakes on the construction until you have a quantumly higher degree of confidence and comfort about where you stand not only with your in-laws, but your wife as well. All of your power is going to evaporate once construction is completed, and your ability to assert yourself down the road will be greatly diminished. The time to act is now.

 

Edit: I strongly agree with Sheryl's advice that the OP needs to be at the construction site practically full time. Buy a tent, if need be, and camp out on location. 

Edited March 20, 2023 by Gecko123

[BritManToo]

15 minutes ago, Sheryl said:

As for the fire -- at this time of year it easily happens. I have done it myself. A sudden unexpected upturn 9f wind and a small controlled fire easily goes 9ut of vontrol. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

I thought any burning was a criminal offence at the moment?

No fires to be lit under any circumstances.

[VinnieK]

57 minutes ago, Mac Mickmanus said:

Go and tell the guy yourself .

Stop using your Wife as a middle man and go and speak to the BiL yourself , take your wife along to interpret if necessary 

Old codger will get offended by the dressing down.

Thais don't like to be told what to do by farangs.

Lesson to all...stay the <deleted> away from family...even better, don't marry.

 

[asf6]

nerjaron, have you asked your wife why your SIL and BIL spend so much time at the plot? 

[Sheryl]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

I thought any burning was a criminal offence at the moment?

No fires to be lit under any circumstances.

Maybe. But practically speaking, with all the trash that typically accumulates at a building site and probably not yet having trash pick up service , it may gave seemed necessary to the BIL. My point being, give him benefit if the doubt and consider that overall he may be doing more good than harm, even with the fire.

 

People are still burning trash etc (small fires)  from time to time out where I live. If there is a nationwide ban  on all burning, it is not being enforced nationwide.

[BananaStrong]

1 hour ago, nerjaron said:

how to keep this guy away from our property

HER property.    HER land.   SHE owns it all.

 

Soon we may find out if she allows you to stay there or chooses family!!!!  

[richard_smith237]

Its impossible for anyone to know the intentions of the BiL except you. 

Do you have a good relationship with him ??... does he respect you ?...  was he trying to do something to help out ?... i.e. making sure the builders do good work while you are not there ???

 

Or, is this a situation where you hardly get on and he’s trying to ‘take over’ and is getting in the way.

 

It also seems that the wife is not backing you up and enables further issues due to her avoidance of any possible confrontation at any cost. 

 

You need to get the ‘wife on side’ before you can achieve any resolution - this is more important if you can’t speak Thai. 

 

But, also take a step back and make sure you haven’t over reacted or exaggerated the goings on. 

 

 

[connda]

1 hour ago, nerjaron said:

I was furious and told my wife that I didn't want her BIL anywhere near our building plot, but she became upset with me and said she couldn't say that to her relatives.

Watch out.  My wife would have excoriated her brother including demanding compensation.
You wife isn't being "Thai."  She is working against you - farang.  My wife's brothers and sisters don't come over or allowed on the property without an invite.  They don't supervise any the the construction projects we've done over the last decade.  They have their own land and houses. 
So you better ask yourself "Why am I the 'odd-man out'?"

I'd stop right now and reassess your marriage before you're over your head (possibly literally in the back woods somewhere).  My wife wouldn't stand for this, soooo - Occum's Razor - the family is working together and you are not obviously a part of the family, but just the source of funds.

Best of luck.  But?  Personally it sounds like you are being taken for a ride.

Edited March 20, 2023 by connda

[marin]

14 minutes ago, BananaStrong said:

HER property.    HER land.   SHE owns it all.

 

Soon we may find out if she allows you to stay there or chooses family!!!!  

But his money!! I would normally never say this but its a fact. Take into consideration your wife's feelings but let her know who is paying, and who burned down a portion of your land. Everyone in general has been very polite in their responses which is great. 

 

BS nobody is going to be staying there if the OP does not keep funding this project. UP2U mate.

[connda]

37 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

The BIL's behavior is in no way normal Thai behavior, and his and his wife's acting like they own the place, with your wife's acquiescence is actually alarming, and suggests to me that something is going on behind the scenes where the extended family might be thinking the OP might not be in the picture much after the house gets built. Unless the OP is exaggerating the BIL's sense of entitlement, something is seriously wrong with the picture. 

Exactly.  My thought too (posted above) - you're right over the target imho.  ????

[jacko45k]

1 hour ago, Mac Mickmanus said:

Go and tell the guy yourself .

Stop using your Wife as a middle man and go and speak to the BiL yourself , take your wife along to interpret if necessary 

She would likely not talk to the family nor say what he wanted to say. 

She would certainly tone it down, or maybe just stand there dumb.

He has less standing than her family.

Hope they do not plan to ease him out of the picture when the build is completed. They do like to start fires but this nut could burn the new house down!

 

My Mrs is from Korat area and her family seems more agreeable.

 

 

 

Edited March 20, 2023 by jacko45k

[glegolo18]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Three options:

Get used to it.

Sell it.

Continue to have headache.

 

I know that is not what you like to hear. But I would be very surprised if there is another option.

Some things are just impossible in Thailand.

Sorry for no better news. I know why I have a condominium in Bangkok far away from "the family". 

For us actually living here in Thailand there is certainlya fourth option. Just confront the guy yourself when he is in action and just quite him down, silence him with gestures if you cant the lingo.... Make it clear what you think about it and his mingeling in your business...

[Muzzique]

1 hour ago, nerjaron said:

Does anyone have any constructive advice on how to keep this guy away from our property without causing an international incident?

I free lifetime pass to the Kinky GOGO show bar and a bucket of viagra should do it.

[EVENKEEL]

No sense worrying about 20M of crappy wood fence. Take the opportunity, tear it all down and build with concrete posts and barbed wire. Come on, it's no big deal.

 

Him coming around and giving orders on construction is another deal. I been there and your first mistake was building next to her family. Been there, done that. If you haven't paid out too much money there's still time to go elsewhere. I did. And I paid out a bit.