My marriage is heading south. Dont know what to do.

[newnative]

On 7/4/2023 at 10:07 PM, advancebooking said:

Ive been married near 10 yrs. We have a child under 10 who's in one of the competitive Maths programs at a govt' primary school.

 

I cannot believe how much homework and tests that my child has to endure. Its causing a lot of tension because I dont like seeing my kid getting woken up by my pushy wife at 530am and going to bed a 940pm tonight. So many hours of homework and questions to do from basically 5pm to 930pm tonight. Both of them are stressed by this stage of the night and I feel sorry for my child actually. 

 

I dont know if I can cope with years of this BS to come. 

 

If we divorce I worry about leaving my child alone with my wife who doesnt seem to care about the fact that a child that age needs 9 to 10 hours sleep. Im the one cooking healthy meals and if I go away my child lives off grab deliveries. 

 

My wife will not listen to me at all about these matters. I feel lonely in this marriage. My wife only cares about my childs success at school. 

 

The only thing that would save our marriage and sanity, in general, is if my child moves out of the program into a normal class. But cant see the wife allowing this. 

 

In summary, my wife is so caught up in her ambition for my child to succeed and be n.o 1 that she fails to see that its stressing everyone out and will probably be detrimental to our marriage that she doesnt seem to care about. 

 

If we finish we have to sell assets etc. Its would all be quite difficult. I would not know what to do with myself. Wondering if I should leave Thailand. I feel they both dont value my presence in this family anyway. 

    I think you said 'my child' or 'my kid' nine times if I counted correctly.  Shouldn't that be 'our child'?    I think it would be if you and your wife were in harmony in raising the child.  Obviously, that is not the case, you are both on opposite sides, hence the 'my child', not ours.  My way of doing things, not our way.  The poor child is caught in the middle, not good.  Keeping in mind we are only hearing your side, I tend to think that doing homework and studying can be good discipline for a child.  And, these days, going to bed at 9:40 doesn't seem terribly late for children.  I think I went to bed between 9 and 9:30 when I was a kid.

    I would suggest marriage counseling to see if you and your wife can reach a middle ground.  And, a middle ground definitely is needed, for the sake of both your marriage and the child.  Get to work with her, not this forum.   As far as staying in the marriage, I'll pass along the same thing I said to another poster in another thread.  Ask yourself if your life would be better with or without her.

[Yellowtail]

8 minutes ago, newnative said:

    I think you said 'my child' or 'my kid' nine times if I counted correctly.  Shouldn't that be 'our child'?    I think it would be if you and your wife were in harmony in raising the child.  Obviously, that is not the case, you are both on opposite sides, hence the 'my child', not ours.  My way of doing things, not our way.  The poor child is caught in the middle, not good.  Keeping in mind we are only hearing your side, I tend to think that doing homework and studying can be good discipline for a child.  And, these days, going to bed at 9:40 doesn't seem terribly late for children.  I think I went to bed between 9 and 9:30 when I was a kid.

    I would suggest marriage counseling to see if you and your wife can reach a middle ground.  And, a middle ground definitely is needed, for the sake of both your marriage and the child.  Get to work with her, not this forum.   As far as staying in the marriage, I'll pass along the same thing I said to another poster in another thread.  Ask yourself if your life would be better with or without her.

No, I don't think it should be "our child" unless the father is talking to the child's mother. It's not "our" child, it is the mother and father's child. 

 

If my boss asked me to work late, would I say: No, no boss, I have to go pick up our son? 

 

No.

 

 

Edited July 6, 2023 by Yellowtail
clarity

[tomazbodner]

On 7/4/2023 at 10:36 PM, bignok said:

My gf does.

Your gf knows some Thai who listens to a foreigner?

[Eric Loh]

20 minutes ago, newnative said:

    I think you said 'my child' or 'my kid' nine times if I counted correctly.  Shouldn't that be 'our child'?    I think it would be if you and your wife were in harmony in raising the child.  Obviously, that is not the case, you are both on opposite sides, hence the 'my child', not ours.  My way of doing things, not our way.  The poor child is caught in the middle, not good.  Keeping in mind we are only hearing your side, I tend to think that doing homework and studying can be good discipline for a child.  And, these days, going to bed at 9:40 doesn't seem terribly late for children.  I think I went to bed between 9 and 9:30 when I was a kid.

    I would suggest marriage counseling to see if you and your wife can reach a middle ground.  And, a middle ground definitely is needed, for the sake of both your marriage and the child.  Get to work with her, not this forum.   As far as staying in the marriage, I'll pass along the same thing I said to another poster in another thread.  Ask yourself if your life would be better with or without her.

Sometimes the opposite sides is simply down to different perspective to education. Asian cultures encourage children to conform and work hard towards a predetermined goal while western cultures encourage children to be themselves and figure out what they love to do. A child caught in the middle is traumatic and can scar him for life. Both need to work hard to mend their relationship for the sake of the child. The issue does not warrant walking away from the marriage. 

[soalbundy]

1 hour ago, proton said:

it wont last ????

You're right, nothing does, life is movement and change but it's important just to observe it and not take it personally, it isn't for anybody....it just is.

[renaissanc]

On 7/5/2023 at 7:39 AM, spidermike007 said:

Are you the primary means of support for your wife? If so, you have alot of leverage and must use it. Explain that you are unfulfilled and will consider moving on and asking for custody of the child. Thai courts often grant that. The primary consideration is who is best able to support the child.

 

That will likely wake your unconscious wife from her stupor. Exert some control. 

 

If not, I would try any means possible to fix the problem. And if nothing could be done, I would hit the road. Nothing is worse than an unfulfilled life, except maybe a life with a control freak wife. 

I think that this is sensible advice. The marriage seems to be dead already. 

I'd just like to add: Have you asked the child how he feels about all the pressure? If he hates it, which I expect he does, then you must tell your wife together. If she won't stop, then tell her that this is the end of your marriage. She won't want to have to look for a (badly paid) job.

[Yellowtail]

8 minutes ago, renaissanc said:

I think that this is sensible advice. The marriage seems to be dead already. 

I'd just like to add: Have you asked the child how he feels about all the pressure? If he hates it, which I expect he does, then you must tell your wife together. If she won't stop, then tell her that this is the end of your marriage. She won't want to have to look for a (badly paid) job.

Asking the child is not fair to the child, nor is it in the child's best interest.

[newnative]

23 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

No, I don't think it should be "our child" unless the father is talking to the child's mother. It's not "our" child, it is the mother and father's child. 

 

If my boss asked me to work late, would I say: No, no boss, I have to go pick up our son? 

 

No.

 

 

    I agree in a conversation such as you describe you would naturally say 'my child'.   However, the OP is writing an account of a serious conflict with his wife involving the raising of what should naturally be described as our child.  Not, 'my child'.  We, not me.  That is what struck me immediately as I read the post, the repeated use of 'my child'.  I found it telling.   I don't want 'my child' doing this.  I don't want 'my child' doing that.  There's very little in the way of 'our' in the post, and therein lies the problem.  Both parents should be working harmoniously together for what is best for 'our child'. 

[Yellowtail]

37 minutes ago, Eric Loh said:

Sometimes the opposite sides is simply down to different perspective to education. Asian cultures encourage children to conform and work hard towards a predetermined goal while western cultures encourage children to be themselves and figure out what they love to do. A child caught in the middle is traumatic and can scar him for life. Both need to work hard to mend their relationship for the sake of the child. The issue does not warrant walking away from the marriage. 

While I generally agree with what you are saying, it is traditional "western culture" that is being mimicked in Asia. It is progressing western culture that encourages children to do what they want. 

 

 

[Yellowtail]

2 minutes ago, newnative said:

    I agree in a conversation such as you describe you would naturally say 'my child'.   However, the OP is writing an account of a serious conflict with his wife involving the raising of what should naturally be described as our child.  Not, 'my child'.  We, not me.  That is what struck me immediately as I read the post, the repeated use of 'my child'.  I found it telling.   I don't want 'my child' doing this.  I don't want 'my child' doing that.  There's very little in the way of 'our' in the post, and therein lies the problem.

So, it is your position that when conversing with strangers on a chat-board, one should refer to their children as "ours", correct?

 

And if the OP replaced every "my" with "ours", what would your diagnosis be? 

 

You call it "telling", I call it pedantic. The OP is talking about abandoning his family (or should I say their family) over what does not seem like a major issue. More than anything, the child needs to feel secure in the home, and the mother and father fighting is not helping with that. I do not think excessive homework is a hill worth dying on. 

 

2 minutes ago, newnative said:

Both parents should be working harmoniously together for what is best for 'our child'. 

We don't have a child, they do. 

 

 

 

[bigt3116]

4 hours ago, NORDO said:

Get a passport for your kid and go to your home country without the mom.

You are obviously not aware that the mother would have to provide written permission for the child to be taken out of the country without her.

[newnative]

16 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

So, it is your position that when conversing with strangers on a chat-board, one should refer to their children as "ours", correct?

 

And if the OP replaced every "my" with "ours", what would your diagnosis be? 

 

You call it "telling", I call it pedantic. The OP is talking about abandoning his family (or should I say their family) over what does not seem like a major issue. More than anything, the child needs to feel secure in the home, and the mother and father fighting is not helping with that. I do not think excessive homework is a hill worth dying on. 

 

We don't have a child, they do. 

 

 

 

    Had he used 'our' more often, I would have found his description to be more focused on his child, and his child's well-being, rather than himself.   I used 'our child' in my post to refer to the OP and his wife thinking in the plural rather than the singular when it comes to their child, as I think you knew.  I agree that supposedly excessive homework is not a hill worth dying on.

[Presnock]

I feel sorry for you and the child.  Originally our half-Thai daughter went to Thai schools and at each there were problems (for me and learning) so we kept changing to "better" schools.  But each had its own problems including one which immediately after we joined there, they rid themself of all the farang teachers and even used our daughter on their advertising brochure.  We immediately left there, joined another which was a 12-year plus the Kindergarten, daughter started at 3rd grade.  By the second year, the school dropped grades 7-12 and added more kindergarten as they got more funds for that (extra teachers per each classroom) but the school then had a 2-year waiting list to get into it.  I argued with the teachers and owner about the extremely poor English lessons to the point that we dropped out of that school too and moved to CM from BKK.  At CM we got into a brand new school, just opened, expensive but with a good reputation of the parent university

and the school was on the physical scale of any US high school.  However, poor management meant poor instructions and we decided to leave although offered a full scholarship to remain another year.  But by the 3rd year of it open, almost every student over Kindergarten had left as did most of the farang teachers.  So, daughter tested at several of the better reputation schools in CM and we opted for Chiang Mai International School with daughter starting 6th grade.  By graduation, daughter speaks, reads, writes, and teaches Thai, English, Chinese and Korean.  She taught Chinese at a different high school, worked as the Chinese teacher's aide during her junior year, was selected as the best Chinese student for the entire school, passed the level 4

Korean international language test given by the Korean govt each year (many college-level students cannot pass other than level 3).  She is currently going to the number one university in Thailand (I realize that standards may not meet developed countries but this is a liberal arts program) learning Japanese language and international culture for a double degree.  CMIS has great teachers and programs for all their students whether they will go on to international studies or what ever.  At first, our daughter was bored with most of the schools but I never heard any complaint from her about CMIS and their curriculum.  Every move was discussed with my Thai wife who agreed wholeheartedly with EVERY move!  Best wishes for your daughter.

[Mansell]

On 7/4/2023 at 10:35 PM, bignok said:

Leave Thailand? If that's your no 1 choice do it. Pack up and go. Only you know. We have never met you.

 

Life after age 40 goes downhill mostly. Just aging. Get out while you are still young if marriage is bad.

 

 

Life after 40 is downhill mostly……Wow! You are not the person to ask for advice with such a defeatist and negative attitude. I’ll be 80 next year and having the time of my life. I play tennis, bicycle, swim, and walk most days of the week. Having the best sex ever with a 34 year old girlfriend. Life is a gift to be enjoyed, not to be giving up at 40. Come on, you can do better than that. 
Retirement for me is the best part to be enjoyed.

[bignok]

2 minutes ago, Mansell said:

Life after 40 is downhill mostly……Wow! You are not the person to ask for advice with such a defeatist and negative attitude. I’ll be 80 next year and having the time of my life. I play tennis, bicycle, swim, and walk most days of the week. Having the best sex ever with a 34 year old girlfriend. Life is a gift to be enjoyed, not to be giving up at 40. Come on, you can do better than that. 
Retirement for me is the best part to be enjoyed.

Sounds gross.

[sirineou]

Quote

My marriage is heading south. Dont know what to do.

Separating at this time is not advisable

Best advice is to go south with it  

but wait until after the rainy season , no fun driving in the rain. 

[1FinickyOne]

8 hours ago, soalbundy said:

Can't agree, at 75 I have never felt better.

I was responding to a fellow who was complaining of things going downhill at age 40... 

 

Do you feel better than you did at age 40? And do you expect to feel even better at age 85? 

 

Great for you, but the rest of the population is on a downhill side of the curve as they age. 

[advancebooking]

27 minutes ago, Mansell said:

Life after 40 is downhill mostly……Wow! You are not the person to ask for advice with such a defeatist and negative attitude. I’ll be 80 next year and having the time of my life. I play tennis, bicycle, swim, and walk most days of the week. Having the best sex ever with a 34 year old girlfriend. Life is a gift to be enjoyed, not to be giving up at 40. Come on, you can do better than that. 
Retirement for me is the best part to be enjoyed.

May  I ask if you are on the juice (steroids).... no judgement

[fredwiggy]

1 minute ago, advancebooking said:

May  I ask if you are on the juice (steroids).... no judgement

Why would you ask an 80 year old why they are on steroids? What positive outcome would there be? HGH maybe, which helps older individuals, although it has risks also.

[thaibeachlovers]

On 7/5/2023 at 7:04 PM, fredwiggy said:

Which is why you shouldn't bother replying, or giving advice, because you don't understand what goes on  in a family with your own kids.

Oh dear, another one that thinks they know it all about other posters based on a couple of posts.

I may not have had my own genetic children but I was a stepfather of pre teen children for years.

Any idea that I might like to be an actual father vanished permanently during that time.

[thaibeachlovers]

14 hours ago, Furioso said:

But yes, I can definitely see how you can marry a foreign woman, have a child, and then one parent pushes the child to excess, while the other parent goes along with it until they realize they're in a big mess that's hard to either fix or escape without severe family disruption. 

But yes, I can definitely see how you can marry a foreign woman, have a child, and then one parent pushes the child to success, while the other parent goes along with it until they realize they're in a big mess that's hard to either fix or escape without severe family disruption. 

 

I think that version is more realistic.

Sort of sad reading so many posts from guys that married a Thai woman and had a kid with her, but thought life was going to be the same as the <deleted> place they came from but didn't want to live in.

 

I married a Thai and happy to say accepted that she was from a different culture and wasn't going to try and change that ( would have been pointless trying anyway ). Unfortunately, her mental challenges didn't become evident till a few years after we got married.

[BritManToo]

1 minute ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I married a Thai and happy to say accepted that she was from a different culture and wasn't going to try and change that ( would have been pointless trying anyway ). Unfortunately, her mental challenges didn't become evident till a few years after we got married.

Have you noticed there's 4-5 topics along the Thai woman gambling/unfaithful/violent lines.

Normally there's only 1 ........

 

Has endemic marital unhappiness broken out, or have they employed someone to try and raise the slipping forum ratings? If the latter is the case, can we have some more 'bargirl' threads, they are much more entertaining. 

[fredwiggy]

11 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Oh dear, another one that thinks they know it all about other posters based on a couple of posts.

I may not have had my own genetic children but I was a stepfather of pre teen children for years.

Any idea that I might like to be an actual father vanished permanently during that time.

I, nor anyone else, knows everything about anything. I have 6 children, so I'm in a position to understand the variables of parenting. Being a stepfather does give you some semblance of understanding, if you raised the children from birth to adulthood. You may indeed know some about children. I can only go from what you've said in the past.True, people lie, here and everywhere, so the truth is sometimes not in a few typed words.

[Cereal]

On 7/4/2023 at 10:36 PM, bignok said:

My gf does.

For now, like they all did...until the ring is on the finger that is. Then it's an entirely different world. I'm coming up on 16 years married and it's basically been a roller coaster ride with almost no flat spots. 

[BritManToo]

Just now, fredwiggy said:

I, nor anyone else, knows everything about anything. I have 6 children, so I'm in a position to understand the variables of parenting. Being a stepfather does give you some semblance of understanding, if you raised the children from birth to adulthood. You may indeed know some about children. I can only go from what you've said in the past.True, people lie, here and everywhere, so the truth is sometimes not in a few typed words.

I have 5 children and 1 stepdaughter, and I disagree with almost everything you post.

So clearly being a parent doesn't bring knowledge or understanding, at least for one of us.

But I haven't managed to equal your number of failed marriages yet, so I think I'm ahead on points.

[thaibeachlovers]

4 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Have you noticed there's 4-5 topics along the Thai woman gambling/unfaithful/violent lines.

Normally there's only 1 ........

 

Has endemic marital unhappiness broken out, or have they employed someone to try and raise the slipping forum ratings? If the latter is the case, can we have some more 'bargirl' threads, they are much more entertaining. 

I hadn't noticed that, but I've noticed that the threads that get most posts are the ones about bargirls and ladyboys, though the ladyboy ones seem to have been few in number for a couple of years.

Certainly beat the ones asking where to buy a pizza or complaining that Thailand isn't like where they came from, and would be soooooo much better if only the cops enforced the laws ( it wouldn't be IMO ).

 

As for the sad ones about failing farang/ Thai marriages, we've never really been short of them.

I just wish I'd discovered the marriage and divorce sub forum BEFORE getting married. Life could have been so much better!

[thaibeachlovers]

16 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

I, nor anyone else, knows everything about anything. I have 6 children, so I'm in a position to understand the variables of parenting. Being a stepfather does give you some semblance of understanding, if you raised the children from birth to adulthood. You may indeed know some about children. I can only go from what you've said in the past.True, people lie, here and everywhere, so the truth is sometimes not in a few typed words.

I agree that no one knows everything about anything, but not only did I live through several years of pre teen age children, till I got tired of being in a loveless relationship where I was regarded as some sort of free childcare sucker , but I also worked on a paediatric ward for a year post graduation, looking after children from birth till young teen age. So I think I might have a bit more insight than Joe Blogs who married a Thai woman and ended up having ( the perhaps inevitable ) conflicts over the child(ren) that perhaps he should not have had.

[soalbundy]

57 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

I was responding to a fellow who was complaining of things going downhill at age 40... 

 

Do you feel better than you did at age 40? And do you expect to feel even better at age 85? 

 

Great for you, but the rest of the population is on a downhill side of the curve as they age. 

No, I was obviously fitter at 40 when I had all my own teeth but I still weigh the same 68 kilos but at 75 I still clamber on the roof to clean the rain gutters and go for long walks at 5 in the morning, genetically lucky. What I meant was my mental state; I feel more confident, at peace, grateful, I have made all my mistakes in the past but regret non of them and the future doesn't concern me, it is causal and beyond my control, ("there are paths that guide our way; rough hew them how we may"). it is as it is; I observe what happens with detachment; I am on the stage but also in the audience. I don't expect to reach 85, if I would then no doubt physical ailments would appear but that is a concern of the body and the 'me' that thinks it's real (even now). There is comfort in the inevitability of what will happen eventually.

[fredwiggy]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

I have 5 children and 1 stepdaughter, and I disagree with almost everything you post.

So clearly being a parent doesn't bring knowledge or understanding, at least for one of us.

But I haven't managed to equal your number of failed marriages yet, so I think I'm ahead on points.

You disagreeing means nothing. Your relationships are transactions, besides the one where you left your kids in England ,saying your wife stopped you from seeing them, which is as we all know, BS. You can always see your children unless you have abused them to the point where the court doesn't allow visitation, which is very extreme, because some will still get supervised. No, you gave up on them, so your opinion here means absolutely nothing.  I, along with millions of others, have had failed marriages because I picked the wrong partner. I got custody of my children because I was,and am, a good father, and I was always, including now, good to my wives and now girlfriend. Attraction to women doesn't mean you don't make mistakes ,and staying with the wrong partner happens to most of us, as most relationships either fail or those that stay are miserable. Trying to understand the other side by reading countless books and articles means one thing. I care enough to have a good relationship with the right partner, and I don't purchase them. All relationships are not transactions like you believe. What you live isn't what everyone else lives. You disagreeing with me shows me, by your lifestyle also, that you don't understand what does go on in a normal relationship between a man and a woman, but only pay for your pleasure and her greed. I am good to my partners, and treat them as equals, and do more than my share of work raising the kids and household duties, along with looking at my partner as a partner, and not an object for my pleasure. And by the way, I initiated all three divorces, and the second and third didn't want them, and the third still wants to come back. The second one died last year. You aren't even in the race pal.

Edited July 6, 2023 by fredwiggy

[BritManToo]

1 hour ago, fredwiggy said:

I care enough to have a good relationship with the right partner, and I don't purchase them.

And yet ............

All your relationships still ended in failure, even God couldn't help you!

I only failed once, and didn't have God backing me.

Edited July 6, 2023 by BritManToo